Category: loss

dreams, friends & family, health & body, loss, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

27 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

A couple nights ago I had a dream that I went in for my 28 week appointment and our baby no longer had a heartbeat. It was devastating, to have to relive our loss all over again, only this time having to break the news to everyone. In my dream, I was in some sort of a school, and in each classroom were people from different areas of my life (family, college friends, people from work, etc.), and I remember just being numb as I had to go to each room and announce that we were no longer pregnant (in my dream, I had already had a D&C again by the time I told everyone, which is odd, since if I were to lose this baby now, I’d actually have to give birth this late in the game). In my dream, dealing with everyone else’s grief was one of the worst parts about the whole experience. Everyone cried and demanded to know why it had happened, and I had no answers. All I wanted to do was run away from everyone so I could actually address my own grief without feeling like I had to take care of everyone else’s feelings. I woke up and had that weird half-still-in-my-dream moment where I wasn’t sure if it had all been real or a dream. I felt the baby move, realized it had all been a dream, and then I just started sobbing. Even after I was fully awake and well-aware it wasn’t real, I just couldn’t stop crying.

On a lighter note, I had a very productive weekend working on the nursery. I bought some pegboard and painted it with a chevron pattern and hung that above the changing table, and I finished the crib mobile I started a few weeks ago. I also painted a canvas to hang on the wall with some song lyrics I love and started a few other DIY things that I’ll give an update on later. I was feeling super crafty and productive this weekend. Pretty much all we need now is a crib and a rug (and a baby, of course!). I know I keep saying this, but one of these days I am going to get around to doing a post on the nursery decor. I really am happy about how it’s coming together!

Okay, so here’s what’s happening with baby and me at 27 weeks…

Baby is about 2 lbs. and 15 inches long now. That’s almost as long as a full-term baby – now he just needs to beef up! His eyelids can now open and close (they had been fused shut since about 11 or 12 weeks), and he has all five senses developed. I’ve even read he can start developing preferences on taste, as my amniotic fluid (which he is constantly swallowing) will taste different depending on what I eat that day. Baby is is kicking up a storm and I’m still loving it. I read that now is when kicks can start getting painful, but so far they aren’t (knock on wood), though I wouln’t say they’re subtle anymore either! I wonder how much the non-painful kicking has to do with my anterior placenta. Next appointment is Friday the 15th, where I’ll take my Gestational Diabetes test. Let’s hope all the sweets I’ve been craving (and giving into) lately haven’t sent me into a diabetic state!

Mama is officially in the third trimester now! Crazy how fast time seems to be moving. The first trimester dragged on forever, but the second feels like it just flew by, and suddenly I am in the third. Wow! Countdown to baby is now just 90 days. And we still don’t have a name, thanks to D’s indecisiveness. I actually have one that I love but D didn’t initially like. We came up with about 5 others that we would both be okay with, but every time I try to talk to D about which ones I like more than others, hoping to narrow it down further, he freezes up and says he can’t make a decision, and that none of them really feel like “the one” to him. Though he did say that the one I liked most (that he initially wasn’t crazy about) might have “a slight advantage over the others” since I like it so much. I’m trying not to push him too hard to go with that name since he originally didn’t like it, but secretly I’m hoping it continues to grow on him. But honestly, I’d really be okay with any of the names we’ve narrowed it down to. I am just ready to make a decision already – or at least feel like we’re moving towards a decision. At this rate, we’ll be deciding in the hospital. Oh well — at least this way I can easily skirt the name question since we honestly don’t know. We don’t plan on sharing with anyone until after he’s here, anyway.

I’m still dealing with some pretty bad sciatic pain. Honestly, that has been my only major complaint this pregnancy. I haven’t gained too much weight (1.4 lbs this week for a total so far of 14.6 lbs.), I still have quite a bit of energy, no swelling, no stretch marks. Really, if it weren’t for this darn sciatic pain and a large belly, I’d hardly even notice that I was pregnant. I started sitting on an exercise ball at work last week, and I think that’s helping some. I’ve also booked a prenatal massage for this weekend, so hopefully that helps too. Speaking of the large belly, I’m starting to get more and more comments from strangers asking when I’m due, which for some reason always catches me off-guard. I’m still not used to the idea that other people can tell I’m pregnant, for some reason. I guess it’s because depending on the outfit, I still feel like I just look like I’ve had too many hamburgers. Plus, I’ve had numerous occasions where I’ve had to stand on the bus without anyone offering me their seat, so I do think that with my coat on, sometimes you can’t tell. Either that or people are just selfish. Although, I did notice last week that one of my jackets only covers about half of my belly. 😐 I guess I just never look at myself in the mirror after I put my coat on in the mornings, but last week I stopped in the bathroom at work before dropping my stuff off in my office, and realized it may be time to retire this particular jacket, even if I can still zip it. Not the most flattering look!

26w3dcoat
With coat…
Without coat. (Good lord, my boobs are almost the size of my head.)
loss, musings, pregnancy

The last milestone.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

This pregnancy has been filled with both excitement and trepidation. And as much as I try not to compare this pregnancy with my last one – and believe this one will have a happier ending – it’s only natural to reflect on prior experiences when navigating anything in life. In the beginning of this pregnancy, I couldn’t help but compare my feelings and symptoms to what I experienced last time. And then we made it past 8 weeks for the first time, and suddenly we were in uncharted territory gestation-wise. In many ways it was freeing to not be able to compare what I was going through to the last time. Things started looking up, and I started feeling more confident.

But while the gestational milestones were officially behind us, significant dates were not — certain dates that have been ingrained in my mind. We had already passed the anniversary of our previous due date. That one was the hardest to get through, mostly because we weren’t pregnant yet. But even after getting pregnant, some other anniversaries have come up that caused me to reflect on our previous experience. October 6 was the day we got our first positive pregnancy test. Then last week, there was November 7 – what I consider to be the anniversary of our loss – the day we went in for our first ultrasound and found out our baby had died. Now today, November 14, is the anniversary of when I had my D&C. To be honest, I’m not as sad today as I thought I might be, though the significance of the date did not go unnoticed.

I hope that the freeing feeling I felt passing our 8 week milestone will only increase now that all of our previous pregnancy and loss milestones are truly behind us.

friends & family, health & body, house, loss, musings, pregnancy

10 things Tuesday…

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I stole the title of this post from another website. Just seemed like an appropriate way to round up some random thoughts/experiences I’ve had lately.

  1. Pregnancy brain is in full effect. Last night I went to the grocery store and on my way out, fished my car keys out of my purse and pointed the clicker at the sliding doors of the store. You know, to open them? Um, yeah…
  2. Went to our usual taco truck for lunch today with coworkers (we go every Tuesday). It didn’t really sound that great to me, but I was hungry and didn’t have a good excuse for not going with them, so I went. I figured once I ordered my usual quesadilla I would gobble it right up like normal. Nope. For some reason it tasted disgusting today. I couldn’t eat more than a few bites, no matter how hard I tried. I’m still hungry, now slightly nauseated, and cranky because I didn’t just go somewhere else like my gut (literally) was telling me to.
  3. I’m on a bagel kick for breakfast lately – especially blueberry. I know it’s not the lowest calorie breakfast I could be eating, but I’ve only gained about a pound and a half so far, so I’m going to cut myself some slack. It also seems to be the only thing that keeps me full until lunch. Come to think of it, a blueberry bagel sounds damn good right now, after my disappointing revolting quesadilla.
  4. When I stopped at the grocery store for my morning bagel today, they were giving away free cookies. I ate that cookie around 9:30 a.m. Sounded like a good idea at the time, but then the nausea hit and I immediately regretted that decision. Come to think of it, that may have contributed to my lunchtime aversions.
  5. D found out yesterday he has shingles. Ouch. He is a tough guy and never complains when he’s sick, always powers through it and goes to work, etc… and he is home on the couch in a lot of pain right now. I was a little concerned when we found out, but I called my doctor and she says since I’ve already had the chicken pox (it’s the same virus), that it’s not contagious to me or the baby… but that I shouldn’t touch any rash or sores just in case. So I washed all our bedding in hot water last night and poor D had to sleep with a shirt on (it’s on his chest, side and back). He never sleeps in a shirt, which I’m sure that only added to his discomfort. I hope he gets better soon, but I have heard it can take quite a while to run its course. Poor guy.
  6. 13 days until our next doctor appointment. It can’t come soon enough. On the other hand, after that appointment is when we plan to start letting the cat out of the bag for real, and that terrifies me to death too.
  7. I’m conflicted over how I want to handle my next doctor appointment, work-wise. For our last appointment (which was on a Friday), I took a personal day and told work I had some friends coming into town (which was also true). After our first pregnancy and ultrasound resulted in a loss, I knew there was no way I’d be able to go back to work if it were bad news. I’m glad I did that again this last time too, because even though it was good news, going back to work was just one less thing to stress about. Plus, it avoided the “I have a doctor appointment” conversation, which, when you’re a woman in prime child bearing years, seems to always raise pregnancy suspicions. Not that I’m that concerned about this next appointment raising suspicions, since I’m planning on coming clean afterward anyway, but if it does turn out to be bad news, there’s no way I’d be able to return to work afterward. I do have plenty of days off I need to use up by the end of the year, so it’s not like I can’t take a day off – I’m just not sure what I say when coworkers ask what my plans are. I can’t outright lie, especially since I’ll be outing myself as soon as I get back. I think as of now I’m just planning to be truthful and tell them I have a doctor appointment and I’ll be in late. If worse comes to worst, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
  8. I’m wearing a belly band at work today for the first time. Sooo much more comfortable while sitting down, though I now have to hike up my pants after I stand up. Clearly it’s not a perfect solution, but it’s better than the muffin top my pants give me while buttoned, not to mention the uncomfortable indentations in my belly when I sit.
  9. I have a major case of paranoia and I feel like my coworkers just KNOW I’m knocked up, even though I don’t think I’ve done anything to tip them off. Sure, I haven’t been drinking coffee lately, but that change also coincided with our move and I had mentioned to them that I’ll probably need to start drinking coffee at home before work in order to survive the commute. Other than that, I can’t imagine what would give them the idea. I’m sure I’m just being paranoid.
  10. I have no idea what we’re going to do for Halloween this year. Our friends are having a 1994-themed party. We were thinking of trying to incorporate some sort of a pregnancy announcement into the costumes, but can’t come up with anything, given the theme. Too bad our friends didn’t do this theme last year – our costumes would have been perfect.

Well, that’s all for now!

health & body, loss, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

8 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

This is as far as we made it last time, and I’m terrified. Actually, technically, the baby didn’t live past 7 weeks, but my last weekly update last time was at 8 weeks, just a couple days before we got our bad news. I know the odds are in our favor now that we’ve had one ultrasound and seen the heartbeat, but I am still terrified of getting bad news at our first official appointment on Friday. Four more days… can I make it?

At 8 weeks…

Baby is the size of a raspberry or a kidney bean. He/she is growing webbed fingers and toes this week, in addition to eyelids, breathing tubes and lungs. The tail is almost completely gone, and the brain continues to develop, beginning to form the most basic neural pathways. Baby should also be moving quite a bit by now, even though I won’t be able to feel it for several more weeks.

Mama is still tired and nauseated with sore boobs and the occasional headache. It’s the new normal, I guess. The nausea comes and goes, though it got so bad last week that I actually got sick at work three times in one day! Hasn’t been that bad since, though. Mostly I just get waves that come and go throughout the day, which is tolerable. I went to go get measured for a new bra this weekend and I’m already up a full cup size! Holy cow. The girls are going to be giant by the time baby gets here. I had dinner with a couple friends on Saturday night, one of whom just had a baby two months ago and is still nursing. I couldn’t help but comment to her on how huge her boobs were! You know you’re good friends when you can talk about each other’s boobs freely, right?

Speaking of that dinner with friends, I spilled the beans to them, which felt good. My friend brought over champagne to celebrate the other friend’s birthday and when I declined the champagne, they just knew. They were very excited, but I made them promise to keep it a secret.

Four more days until we can have some more reassurance, though I wish I could say there would be a definitive point I’d stop being so scared. At least getting past our last loss milestone should help, I think.

health & body, loss, musings, pregnancy

Then vs. now.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different this pregnancy is from my last one, and yet, in some ways is also very familiar. I know every pregnancy is different, but I have to admit I’m clinging to the differences in hopes that it’ll have a different outcome this time.

My outlook…

Then: I was always worried about the possibility of miscarriage, but I think deep down I felt like it would never happen to me. I was instantly bonded to my baby and I thought a lot about the future. I was scared but mostly looking forward to our 8 week ultrasound so I could get the reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

Now: Not only am I worried about miscarriage, but deep down I almost expect it to happen again, even though statistically I know I’m more likely to have a healthy baby this time. I’m sad to say I don’t feel bonded to this baby — yet — but I hope that will happen if/when we can get past a successful 8 week ultrasound. I don’t put a lot of thought into the future this time – I’m just taking things one day at a time. I’m not so much “looking forward” to our 8 week ultrasound, as I am just wanting it to be over with already. Either rip the band aid off or let me start moving forward. I just feel like I’m in limbo right now.

Morning sickness…

Then: At first the only thing that really got me queasy was the smell of dog food. That was my first sign I was pregnant, actually, and I had to make D start feeding the dogs for me. The actual throwing up didn’t start until about 5 and a half weeks, and once it did, it was always in the shower in the mornings. Then, around 6 weeks, walking started making me nauseated. On the occasion that the nausea would hit me at work, I had candied ginger in my desk that I munched on to help it go away.

Now: I started throwing up instantly, and it was morning and night (but felt fine during the day). But that only lasted a few days and then it went away for a few days. Then the nausea came back and now I have the occasional vomiting in the mornings and just a general queasy feeling that lasts all day. I have gagged a couple times over dog food this time, but it doesn’t seem to be as strong of an aversion as last time, as some days I’m fine with it. I still have D feed the dogs regularly, but on the occasion he’s been out of town or gotten home late, I have usually been able to do it with no problems. I haven’t been able to stand ginger since the miscarriage as it reminds me too much of my last pregnancy, and I’m not a huge fan of ginger to begin with, so I’m sticking with saltines as my work nausea remedy.

Food cravings/aversions…

Then: All I wanted last time was anything healthy. Couldn’t stand sweets, especially chocolate or anything artificial. Coffee didn’t sound good, but I would have a tiny bit every morning just to wake me up and to stave off the inevitable caffeine withdrawal headaches.

Now: I’m still craving healthy foods, but for some reason lettuce sometimes tastes really bitter to me. I’m also loving fruit, especially peaches. And while I’m not craving chocolate, I did see a commercial for Wendy’s the other night and wanted a Frosty like no one’s business. Funny, since my mom always craved Frostys when she was pregnant with me. I also had a huge hankering for cottage cheese a few nights ago, but then when I bought some last night it tasted gross. Could have been the fact that it was from a health food store and they may make it a bit differently than the big brands. Similar to last time, coffee doesn’t sound good. This time I’ve been able to cut out caffeine altogether, though. I started tapering down my caffeine use while we were trying to conceive, and then I tapered down even more once we got pregnant so that within a week I had completely quit.

Skin…

Then: My skin was bright and clear last time. I think I had that whole pregnancy “glow” thing going on.

Now: Not so much. I look like a hormonal teenager.

Emotions…

Then: I got a little teary a few times, but nothing that seemed to interfere much with my day-to-day life.

Now: I will be the first to admit I have turned into a raging beyotch! Poor D. I have such a short fuse and feel cranky all the time. Yesterday he called me and asked me to look up directions to somewhere on my phone and I got all snippy and went off on him about how he always relies on me to know where we’re going and never takes it upon himself to do so. After we hung up, I started crying because I don’t like the person I’ve turned into. I feel like such a loony!

Gender gut feeling…

Then: I felt like I was having a boy.

Now: I feel like it’s a girl. Neither of these are based on anything but just a gut feeling. I never got to find out if I was right last time and am just praying I get to this time.

Other stuff…

Both times I got extremely bloated and had really sore boobs. Like last time, I’m hungry all the time, but seem to not want to eat as much in one sitting. I also have trouble sleeping and wake up multiple times per night to pee. I think I’m more tired this time, and I get frequent headaches, which I didn’t get last time. Again, just really hoping any differences are good signs that I can expect a different outcome! 16 days until our ultrasound…

friends & family, health & body, loss, pregnancy, TTC after loss

Am I?

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

So, I took a test this morning and I might be pregnant.

Honestly, I’m not sure what to think. I promised myself this cycle I would actually wait for my period to show instead of testing early. I’m 10 DPO today, so it’s pretty early to be testing, but I have just not been feeling like myself lately. My allergies have been out of control and the Zyrtec is doing jack squat for that. I’ve also been really nauseated off and on the past couple days. So last night I laid out a test that I planned to take first thing this morning (it’s best when you’ve been holding your pee overnight). Of course, at 2 a.m. I woke up and had to pee. I made myself go back to sleep and had restless off and on sleep, complete with multiple dreams about peeing on tests, in one of which I got my period at the same time. Super.

Finally, I got up around 6:30 and took the test. I went back to bed for about 5 minutes to wait for it to develop, and then got up and looked at the test. Big Fat Negative. Of course. I almost threw it away, but then I looked again and I swore I saw just the faintest shadow of a line. I stared at it in different lights and the more I stared, the more I swore there was something there.

Can anyone else see the line or am I seeing things? (and please ignore the dirty sink – how embarrassing!)

I went back to bed and told D I think I might be pregnant… but that I wasn’t sure. His eyes popped open really wide and he said, “Really?” I then explained how I thought I saw a line, but it was so faint, but then again, they say a line is a line… I asked if he wanted to come look at it, and when he said, “not really,” I was pretty put off. Come on, this is a big deal! But then he said he was worried about getting his hopes up again.

I do understand his hesitation. First of all, I’m not even sure if it’s really a positive test. I’ve read about “evaporation lines” that look a lot like really faint positives. Even if it is positive, we’re painfully aware that a positive test doesn’t always result in a baby.

So many thoughts running through my head right now. I really hope I am pregnant, but if I am, I can already tell it’s going to be a lot different than last time. I’m sure part of my lack of excitement has to do with the uncertainty of whether it’s really a positive, but I also think I’m going to have a hard time getting excited until we get past that first ultrasound. I think I’m subconsciously protecting myself from the extent of the pain from last time.

Hopefully testing again tomorrow will show a more clear result. Until then, I’ll remain in limbo…

loss, musings, songs, quotes & poems, TTC after loss

How do you measure, measure a year?

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Right now RENT is playing at the 5th Avenue Theater, so I have been seeing references to this song everywhere lately.

This morning I realized that a week from tomorrow will be a full year from when we started this journey. A year. It feels like just yesterday, and ages ago at the same time. I am not the same person I was a year ago, that’s for sure. This experience has definitely changed me, changed my outlook, changed how I see the entire process of having a baby. I’m now painfully aware of just how long it can take, and that time sort of stands still when you’re living your life in two week increments (period to ovulation, ovulation to  pregnancy test. Lather, rinse, repeat). I also know that a positive pregnancy doesn’t always equal a baby, and whenever I hear about someone else’s pregnancy, I am automatically guarded for them, because I know just how much it hurts to go from being over-the-moon excited to more devastated than you’ve ever felt in your entire life in a matter of seconds. I’ll also never again ask someone when they want to start having kids, because I know how much of a loaded question that seemingly innocent topic is. Not to mention, even when you finally “decide” to start a family, sometimes you find it’s not your decision to make.

In short, I’m jaded. I’m broken. That’s what a year will do to you.

health & body, loss, musings, planning, TTC after loss

Today is June 15.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Today was supposed to be my due date for my angel baby. I’ve been dreading this day for a while now, but surprisingly, I think I’m doing okay so far. As I was getting ready for work this morning I felt a sudden pang of sadness when I realized what today was, but other than that, I’m all right. Actually, last week was much harder on me, as my coworker who was due around the same time as us had his baby (a couple weeks early). While I’m so happy for them and can’t wait for them to bring their baby girl into the office for a visit, it’s impossible not to think about the fact that we should be having a baby right now and I had myself a good long cry last week.

But, like I said, I think I’m doing okay. And while the day isn’t over yet, I think the anticipation of today was much worse than the day itself. I even found myself whimsically browsing baby names websites last night while in front of the TV and dreaming about our next baby. I think I’ve started to round a corner where I’m dreaming more about the future than mourning the past. And I think taking a step back from being obsessive has helped me out a lot. As I mentioned in my last post, I gave up ovulation tests, obsessive internetting, any special foods, drinks or herbs that are supposed to help with fertility, and only tracked my temperature until I could confirm ovulation and start my progesterone pills prescribed by my doc. I’m excited to say that I ovulated Monday and so I have put the thermometer away… hopefully for good this time. I’m going to try my very hardest not to think about how many “DPO” (days past ovulation) I am throughout this part of my cycle and to not allow myself to even think about peeing on a pregnancy test until Sunday, the 24th at the earliest. I even had a beer last night and am trying to just live my life without putting it on hold for what may or may not be right now.

Oh, and I got the results back from the bloodwork I had done with my regular doc (mentioned here) and everything is normal. No thyroid issues, no low Vitamin D and apparently I have “excellent” cholesterol. So, with a clean bill of health and our due date behind us, I feel both physically and emotionally ready – now more than ever. Bring on the baby.

loss, musings, TTC after loss

A different approach.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I have mentioned before that I can sometimes be a little obsessive.

Let’s face it. I am the queen overanalyzer. And while I hate it when people say, “just relax and it’ll happen,” the truth is, I do need to relax. It’s not that I think relaxing will magically get me pregnant — it’s just that I’m not doing my own sanity, health and wellbeing any favors by getting wound so tightly.

Last cycle I attempted to relax by doing a meditation podcast series. While I did find myself able to physically relax for those 15 minute podcasts each day, I think adding more to my routine and getting me actively thinking about things on a regular basis just contributed to my obsession more than it helped me to relax, overall.

So, this cycle I’m forcing myself to take a break from everything but the “essentials” – that is, sex, vitamins and the progesterone prescribed by my doc. Caveat: since I can only start progesterone after ovulation, I do still need some way to track ovulation, so I’ll keep charting my temperature. It’s pretty much become second nature to me, at this point. I simply pop my thermometer in my mouth when the alarm goes off and then I go back to sleep. The only time temping causes me any stress is after ovulation when I overanalyze my chart looking for any signs that I might be knocked up. So, to avoid this, I’m only going to temp until I can confirm ovulation so I can start my progesterone, and then I’ll put the thermometer away.

In addition to the abbreviated temping, here’s what else I’m giving up (even though very few people read this blog, I figured making a list will help keep me accountable):

1. OPKs (ovulation predictor kits): In previous cycles, I had been using OPKs in conjunction with charting to pinpoint ovulation. You see, OPKs tell you when you’re likely to ovulate, but don’t confirm when it’s actually happened. Conversely, charting your temperature confirms ovulation after the fact, but gives very little indication when it’s about to happen. As a result, using the two together typically makes for a pretty good predictor/confirmation routine.

Problem is, you have to start peeing on these ovulation sticks twice a day several days before you expect to ovulate so you don’t miss it. This leads to awkwardly testing in the bathroom stall at work, squinting at the tests to try to determine whether they’re negative or positive (they can be a bit ambiguous), and then feeling the pressure to get busy once you see a positive (which can make things feel a bit clinical after a while). I think giving up OPKs will save me some obsession and force us to keep at least some of the spontaneity and romance alive.

2. Online message boards: This is one of the biggest things I’m giving up. After our miscarriage, I found a wonderful online support group that has been a godsend throughout this process. Not many people in my real life even know what we’ve been through, and even those who do can’t always relate or know the right things to say. This message board has been a huge source of support for me since no one there judges me for breaking down in tears just from seeing a pregnant lady on the street or wanting to punch the next preggo who says she’d give anything for a drink. The ladies on this message board have all been through what I’m going through – from the heightened emotions and “bad days” that creep up out of nowhere, to the low tolerance for those who complain about what we would quite literally give our right arm for. They know what it’s like, because they’ve been there.

Unfortunately, despite the tremendous support I get from this group, I am also fully aware that being entrenched in this community may be keeping me from moving on. Not to mention, many of these women have it so much worse than me. Some have been dealing with infertility for years and/or are on their third, fourth or even fifth miscarriage. As awful as our situation is, it’s probably only a minor setback in the grand scheme of things. Being surrounded by so much pain and struggling has left me feeling pretty gloomy about our future – to the point where I just expect to have trouble getting pregnant and/or will inevitably miscarry again. And while that’s certainly a possibility — and I’ll never be as naive or innocent as I once was — dwelling on worst case scenarios isn’t helping me to stay positive.

3. Dr. Google: Um, yeah. Hypochondriac overanalyzers like me should not be allowed to google anything medically-related, and should be banned from WebMD. From low Vitamin D, to hypothyroidism, to endometriosis, to Asherman’s Syndrome, to blood clotting disorders, I’ve run through a gazillion scenarios in my head as to why we miscarried and/or why we haven’t been able to get pregnant since. Of course, reading up on all those things just gets me all wound up unnecessarily. Is it possible that I have any of the aforementioned afflictions? Sure, anything’s possible. But more than likely, my miscarriage was a chromosomal issue (very common) and we haven’t gotten pregnant yet because it’s only been four cycles and it takes the average couple six months. In other words, at this stage in the game we’re still in the realm of normal. No need to go looking for problems. So I’m banning myself from googling anything pregnancy-related for one full cycle. This one was specifically requested by D, too. I think it upsets him to pick up the iPad and start to type something in, only to see my obsessive search history pop up.

4. “Hippie witchcraft”: This is D’s terminology and applies to things such as drinking pomegranate juice to thicken your uterine lining, drinking green tea to aid in conception, and eating pineapple core to assist in implantation. Yeah, I’ve tried all those things. As mentioned earlier, I even recently spent $40 on a meditation podcast series specifically designed for those trying to conceive. While I actually did enjoy the meditation and it certainly helped me sleep better, I know that I’ve gone off the deep end, looking for some silver bullet to help us get pregnant. None of the aforementioned things are harmful by any means – in fact pomegranate, green tea and pineapple are all good for you – but they aren’t helping me to stop obsessing either, so they’ve got to go.

I’m 11 days into this cycle, and I must say, I am obsessing quite a bit less, so hopefully this helps. I do still stare at the calendar every day and dream of how different my life might be a few weeks, a few months, a year from now. And I still think about the baby we lost and the baby we’re trying for multiple times throughout the day. But as our original due date approaches (just a week and a half away), I’m also starting to feel perhaps the beginning stages of some sort of closure? I can only hope.

health & body, loss, planning, TTC after loss

Taking charge.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I was soooo sure this month was it. But it’s not.

I’ll admit, I’m taking it pretty hard. Why was it so easy to get pregnant the first time, and now it’s not? I know 4 months isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things, and is still in the realm of normal, but we’ve had great timing each month, I know I’m ovulating, and I know since we’re capable of getting pregnant that there’s no reason to believe there’s anything wrong with D’s swimmers. So what’s the hold up?

I decided to give my doctor a call to see what she thinks. She pretty much confirmed what I suspected – that 4 months isn’t anything to worry about. But she did say she wants to see me if we aren’t pregnant in two more months, and to go ahead and make an appointment (I can always cancel if we get pregnant before then). This makes me feel a little better. At least I feel like we have a plan of action and we’re not just sitting around until September (a year from when we originally started trying) or November (when we had our loss). I know most doctors make you try for a year before they start doing any testing, and I’m not sure whether that year starts from when you originally started trying, or if the calendar resets after a loss. Either way, it’s not like I’m expecting my doctor to do extensive testing or anything after six months, but hopefully she can at least rule out any complications from the miscarriage or the D&C as culprits.

In the meantime, I’ve set up an appointment with my general doctor for a regular whole body physical, just to make sure I’m healthy otherwise. I know I tested low for Vitamin D a couple years ago and never got my levels re-checked after starting treatment. There has been some research linking low levels of Vitamin D to miscarriage, so this is definitely something I want to rule out. I’m also a little concerned about hypothyroidism after reading something about low temperatures being linked to it. Not that I’m looking for problems (though I’ll be the first to admit I can be a bit of a hypochondriac), but I think if nothing else, it would be good for my peace of mind to know that I’m healthy and that there’s nothing going on with my body that’s keeping me from getting or staying pregnant.

So I have my general physical scheduled for June 4 – a little over a week away, and then a little over two months until my OB appointment on August 2. With any luck, I don’t even end up needing my appointment with my OB. But at least I feel like I’m being proactive and taking charge in the meantime.