health & body, loss, musings, pregnancy

Then vs. now.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different this pregnancy is from my last one, and yet, in some ways is also very familiar. I know every pregnancy is different, but I have to admit I’m clinging to the differences in hopes that it’ll have a different outcome this time.

My outlook…

Then: I was always worried about the possibility of miscarriage, but I think deep down I felt like it would never happen to me. I was instantly bonded to my baby and I thought a lot about the future. I was scared but mostly looking forward to our 8 week ultrasound so I could get the reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

Now: Not only am I worried about miscarriage, but deep down I almost expect it to happen again, even though statistically I know I’m more likely to have a healthy baby this time. I’m sad to say I don’t feel bonded to this baby — yet — but I hope that will happen if/when we can get past a successful 8 week ultrasound. I don’t put a lot of thought into the future this time – I’m just taking things one day at a time. I’m not so much “looking forward” to our 8 week ultrasound, as I am just wanting it to be over with already. Either rip the band aid off or let me start moving forward. I just feel like I’m in limbo right now.

Morning sickness…

Then: At first the only thing that really got me queasy was the smell of dog food. That was my first sign I was pregnant, actually, and I had to make D start feeding the dogs for me. The actual throwing up didn’t start until about 5 and a half weeks, and once it did, it was always in the shower in the mornings. Then, around 6 weeks, walking started making me nauseated. On the occasion that the nausea would hit me at work, I had candied ginger in my desk that I munched on to help it go away.

Now: I started throwing up instantly, and it was morning and night (but felt fine during the day). But that only lasted a few days and then it went away for a few days. Then the nausea came back and now I have the occasional vomiting in the mornings and just a general queasy feeling that lasts all day. I have gagged a couple times over dog food this time, but it doesn’t seem to be as strong of an aversion as last time, as some days I’m fine with it. I still have D feed the dogs regularly, but on the occasion he’s been out of town or gotten home late, I have usually been able to do it with no problems. I haven’t been able to stand ginger since the miscarriage as it reminds me too much of my last pregnancy, and I’m not a huge fan of ginger to begin with, so I’m sticking with saltines as my work nausea remedy.

Food cravings/aversions…

Then: All I wanted last time was anything healthy. Couldn’t stand sweets, especially chocolate or anything artificial. Coffee didn’t sound good, but I would have a tiny bit every morning just to wake me up and to stave off the inevitable caffeine withdrawal headaches.

Now: I’m still craving healthy foods, but for some reason lettuce sometimes tastes really bitter to me. I’m also loving fruit, especially peaches. And while I’m not craving chocolate, I did see a commercial for Wendy’s the other night and wanted a Frosty like no one’s business. Funny, since my mom always craved Frostys when she was pregnant with me. I also had a huge hankering for cottage cheese a few nights ago, but then when I bought some last night it tasted gross. Could have been the fact that it was from a health food store and they may make it a bit differently than the big brands. Similar to last time, coffee doesn’t sound good. This time I’ve been able to cut out caffeine altogether, though. I started tapering down my caffeine use while we were trying to conceive, and then I tapered down even more once we got pregnant so that within a week I had completely quit.


Then: My skin was bright and clear last time. I think I had that whole pregnancy “glow” thing going on.

Now: Not so much. I look like a hormonal teenager.


Then: I got a little teary a few times, but nothing that seemed to interfere much with my day-to-day life.

Now: I will be the first to admit I have turned into a raging beyotch! Poor D. I have such a short fuse and feel cranky all the time. Yesterday he called me and asked me to look up directions to somewhere on my phone and I got all snippy and went off on him about how he always relies on me to know where we’re going and never takes it upon himself to do so. After we hung up, I started crying because I don’t like the person I’ve turned into. I feel like such a loony!

Gender gut feeling…

Then: I felt like I was having a boy.

Now: I feel like it’s a girl. Neither of these are based on anything but just a gut feeling. I never got to find out if I was right last time and am just praying I get to this time.

Other stuff…

Both times I got extremely bloated and had really sore boobs. Like last time, I’m hungry all the time, but seem to not want to eat as much in one sitting. I also have trouble sleeping and wake up multiple times per night to pee. I think I’m more tired this time, and I get frequent headaches, which I didn’t get last time. Again, just really hoping any differences are good signs that I can expect a different outcome! 16 days until our ultrasound…

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