loss, musings, TTC after loss


A few days ago I got an email, titled “Week 34 of your Pregnancy.”


I must have gotten on some mailing list a while back, and clearly they didn’t get the memo that I am in fact NOT pregnant anymore.

34 weeks. I should be huge right now. Uncomfortable. Swollen ankles. Unable to sleep. Just ready to get this baby out of me already. (sigh) That sounds wonderful. Instead, I’m coming up on another ovulation soon and hoping that just maybe this will finally be our cycle. Because if it isn’t, I won’t be pregnant when our original June 15 due date rolls around. (Well, theoretically we could conceive just a few days beforehand, but there would be no way we’d knowingly be pregnant when D-day arrives.)

June 15. That date has been at the forefront of my thoughts for the past 7 months, ever since we got our positive test on October 6th. First it was a date I was looking forward to — this was to be our baby’s birthday! (or at least close to it). And then after we lost the baby, it was a date that was looming over me like a dark cloud on the horizon. I knew I would be sad when that day came around, but of course I would be pregnant again by then, so maybe by that time it would only be a bittersweet day. I’d be sad about the baby we lost, but that sorrow would be overshadowed by the excitement about the new baby I was carrying. And there would be a new date permeating my every thought.

But here I am, with June 15 just around the corner, and not pregnant yet.

While a big part of me feels like I NEED to get pregnant before then in order to physically survive the day, a small part of me just wants the date to get here already. Rip the band-aid off. I know that day will be hard on me, but perhaps the anticipation of the day is worse than the day itself? Maybe afterward I’ll feel less pressure and anxiety for it to happen by a certain time. I sort of went through similar emotions with trying to have a baby by the end of the calendar year, for insurance reasons. When we lost the baby in November, I figured we had until March to conceive and still have a 2012 baby. Easy peasy, right? We would start trying again in December, giving us a whole 4 months to get pregnant. We did it in the first month the first time, so how hard could it be? Well, then I had some complications from the miscarriage and we didn’t even get to start trying again until the end of January, shortening our window of opportunity. Still, I had hope. But the months went by and — nada. Interestingly, once I had resigned myself to the fact that we wouldn’t have a baby in 2012, I felt less pressure. If not for this looming due date, maybe I’d feel even less pressure? Who knows… What I do know is that time pressures or not, I do want to be pregnant again as soon as possible… and that’s something that won’t ever change.

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