The Snowball Effect

Let’s refinish our hardwood floors!

Hmm… as long as we’re refinishing the hardwoods, let’s rip out the carpet and extend the hardwoods throughout, including up the stairs.

Except now the stair rail doesn’t match. We should probably redo that while we’re at it.

Of course, we’ll need a stair runner so Theo doesn’t hurt himself.

And as long as the appliances are out of the kitchen because of the floors, maybe we should just go ahead and replace them.

Before we put the new appliances in, now is probably the time to redo the backsplash.

Except, before we tile, we should probably paint the kitchen.

Come to think of it, the whole house really needs painting.

But before we paint, we should fix the drywall.

As long as we’re painting, let’s replace all the baseboards with white trim.

And paint the crown molding to match.

Hmm… now all that white trim doesn’t match the doors. Better replace those.

Of course, we’ll need a new rug for the living room now that we have hardwood floor in there.

Should probably get new couches that go with the rug.

Maybe we’ll build a window seat instead of replacing the love seat.

With the new living room arrangement, everything would really flow a lot better if we mounted that TV.

You know, TVs are so cheap these days, let’s just upgrade our TV while we’re at it.

The dining room set doesn’t really go with anything anymore. Better replace that.

Oh and let’s finally finish the deck we started over a year ago.

…and that’s how you accidentally remodel your whole house.

 

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29 weeks.

29 weeks down, 11 weeks to go…

Baby is about 2 1/2 pounds and over 15 inches long now. Muscles and lungs are continuing to form, and he is putting on more fat. That translates into more energy, which I am definitely feeling. Not only is he kicking up a storm, but I also feel him flop around and stretch now too, which is a really strange feeling and a tad uncomfortable. I also felt my first foot (or hand?) all the way up in my ribs at my doctor appointment on Friday. That was a strange feeling. I pushed back on him and he moved out of the way. But he’s done it a few more times since then. I guess I should get used to it.

Mama is feeling large and uncomfortable. Did I mention I still have 11 weeks to go? I can’t imagine how much bigger and more uncomfortable I’m going to get. I’m up 2 lbs this week for a total weight gain now of 17 lbs. My belly button is officially an outie. My stomach muscles are feeling really stretched, as I mentioned last week. I just feel really achy. I had a prenatal massage on Sunday, which was heavenly. I’m definitely going to book a couple more before baby gets here. I still have sciatic pain, so it didn’t magically erase that, but it felt great anyway, and maybe the sciatic pain is something that would get better after a couple more sessions?

I had my glucose tolerance test on Friday, which wasn’t nearly as bad as I had heard it would be. I felt a little sleepy afterward and had a tiny bit of a headache, but it was honestly nothing I would have even noticed if I hadn’t been expecting to feel awful. And the great news is, I passed! No gestational diabetes for me!

In other news, I finished the nursery! I’m really happy with how it turned out. Now all we need is a name above the crib (which would actually require deciding on a name… ugh.)

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28 weeks.

We had our first baby shower on Sunday, which was a lot of fun. It was for family, and we had about 15 people at my house. We got a lot of really great stuff, including our crib and mattress from my parents, and our car seat from D’s dad and step mom. Feels nice to have some of the big ticket items checked off our list. We also got a lot of diapers, including six cloth diapers, so we are on our way to building up our cloth diaper supply! I really want to do cloth diapers for when we’re at home, at least. Our daycare will only take disposables, but the preschool/daycare we’re going to transfer him to once he reaches a year of age will take cloth diapers, so then we can be in them full time. Better for the environment, more cost-effective in the long-run (though pricey to build up your stash initially) – and plus, look how cute?! It really was a fun day and I know my mom put a lot of work into throwing the shower. That was probably the last time we’ll see my parents until after the baby’s born, so it was sad to see them leave at the end of the day.

Okay, here’s what’s happening with baby and me at 28 weeks…

Baby is now about 2.5 lbs and 16 inches long – or as one pregnancy blog puts it: about the size of a chihuahua. Crazy to think he still needs to gain about 4-6 lbs. Where is he going to fit?

Mama is stuffed to the max (side note, did you know the slang for pregnant in England is “stuffed?”). Still no stretch marks, thankfully, but my ab muscles ache every time I eat. I’m clearly running out of room for baby and all my organs, so adding any volume in the way of food just makes my body ache. Does that mean I eat less? Nah. I just complain about it more after I do. Weight gain for the week is .4 lbs. for a total now of 15 lbs. even. I know I’m doing well with my weight gain, but I still feel huge. I also think it’s starting to show in my face now, after seeing pictures from my baby shower. 😦

Sciatic pain is still there, but possibly less now than it was. I think the combination of sitting on an exercise ball at work and sleeping on a new mattress have helped things some. I was supposed to get a massage on Sunday morning, but that didn’t happen. I went through the entire process of checking into the spa, changing into my robe, and was sitting in the little waiting area feeling all zen like, when the receptionist came back to me and said she was sorry but my massage therapist just called and had a family emergency and wouldn’t be coming in today. Unfortunately, they had no one else that does prenatal massages, so they would have to reschedule. Uh… glad they told me this after I was already in my freaking robe?? They were super apologetic and said that they’d comp my massage and even upgrade me to a 90 minute, but still… I was really looking forward to that massage on Sunday! Super disappointing. So now they are trying to figure out when to get me in, since apparently that particular massage therapist won’t be working for them anymore. “Family emergency,” huh?

Speaking of family emergencies, I also got a call from my doctor’s office yesterday that my OB had a family emergency and won’t be back at work until April! I’m guessing this is a real emergency and I’m sad for her, as I can only imagine what sort of event would cause someone to take a whole two months off. 😦 So I’ll see either her nurse practitioner or another doctor in the practice for my next 4 appointments. This actually isn’t all bad, since I’ll be delivered by whoever is on call anyway, so it’s probably good that I meet some other doctors in her practice. I am a bit sad, though, as I really liked that doctor and I feel bad for whatever she must be going through right now. At least my pregnancy is going smoothly and I’m not too worried about anything in particular, otherwise I think I’d be freaking out right about now. And she should be back for my final month of pregnancy.

That’s about all that’s going on at the moment! Here’s a picture of D and me before the baby shower on Sunday, at exactly 28 weeks, in front of our new crib! Also a sneak peek at the nursery, which I am still planning to write a post on one of these days. I still need to make a crib skirt and get a rug to tie the room together, and then we should be pretty much done!

crib

26 weeks.

This week I made quite a bit of progress on the nursery. I painted a dresser, spray painted two lamps, and started making a mobile for above the crib. Also, somewhat non-baby related, we bought a new mattress set! It will be delivered on Thursday and I am beyond excited. Here’s hoping a nice new mattress helps my achy back. But if nothing else, it will be nice to have more room to spread out (we are upgrading from a queen to a king size), especially since my body pillow takes up quite a bit of space!

Oh, and in other exciting news, I think we may have found our daycare! I mentioned last week that the search was stressing me out, and that we weren’t crazy about the Kindercare we had toured. Well, we went and saw the home daycare I mentioned last week, and we really liked it a lot. We spent a little over an hour talking to the owner/primary caregiver, and we both felt really at ease with her. She seemed very thorough and experienced, and I liked that she talked our ears off while we were there. Made me feel like she’d be very good about communicating what was going on with our son all day while he’s in her care. He’d be the only infant there, which has its pros and cons, but I think is mostly a plus. It’s too bad he won’t have any other little “friends” to play with, but he’ll also get to be held a lot, as she likes to integrate the infants with the older kids whenever possible. So whatever the other kids are doing, she’ll basically be holding him so he’s around them. There is also a secondary caregiver (her husband), so one of them can stay with the baby while he naps, and the other is attending to the other kids. I think a lot of the daycare search is about a gut feeling, and we both just had a good gut feeling about this. I’m going in tomorrow morning to observe what a typical morning looks like (we spoke with her at the end of the day so she could devote her full attention to us). Barring any strange practices or unforeseen circumstances, I think we’ll be ready to make an official decision and put down our deposit. She only has one space left and has another family coming to look later this week, so we’ll probably cancel our other two tours we have set up for next week and call our search done. It’s too bad we have to make a decision so quickly, but like I said, I feel good about this place. The only downside is the location, as it’ll add about a half our to our commutes, but we have our eye on a super conveniently-located preschool that takes kids at 1 year and up, so we’ll probably make the switch after he turns a year anyway.

With that long intro out of the way, here’s what’s happening with baby and me at 26 weeks…

Baby is now about 14 inches long and almost two pounds. Wow! His hearing should be developing more this week, and he’s both inhaling and exhaling amniotic fluid in order to prep his lungs for breathing on the outside. It’s such a strange thought that they breathe in fluid but don’t drown. Little things like that make you realize what a miracle this process really is. He’s kicking like crazy, and the other night I got to watch him put on quite a show. My belly was bouncing all around like it had a mind of its own… and I guess technically it does. Funny, one of the blogs/pregnancy calendars I follow notes that the earlier butterfly kicks have been “replaced by something akin to a rabid mongoose flippin’ out inside a burlap sack.” Hahaha… I’m not sure if mine are that bad (maybe thanks to the anterior placenta?) but it’s a funny visual, and some days it does feel like he is in there doing gangnam style or something.

Mama is still dealing with the sciatic pain. It seems to be worse after I’ve been really active during the day (you know, doing things like painting dressers and spray painting lamps??). My mom offered to loan me her exercise ball to sit on at work, and I think I may need to book myself a massage sooner than later. D and I went to a movie last night and I just could not get comfortable, and spent the whole movie squirming and readjusting, trying to alleviate the sciatia. (On a side note, go see Silver Linings Playbook if you haven’t already. Jennifer Lawrence certainly earned her Oscar nomination, and Bradley Cooper is always nice to look at too.) But other than the sciatic pain, I’m feeling pretty good… that is, if you don’t count barfing this morning after I fed the dogs. It’s strange how the morning sickness creeps back in every now and then briefly, even at almost 6 months pregnant. Weight gain this week was .6 lbs. for a total now of 13.2 lbs.

I snapped a picture yesterday just before yoga class and can’t believe how big I’m getting. Crazy to compare the same outfit at 19 weeks and 13 weeks. The funniest part is, at the time I took each of those pictures, I remember thinking how huge I looked then. I find that laughable now, which makes me wonder if I’ll be looking back at this picture in 6-7 weeks thinking about how tiny I looked?? Yikes!

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17 weeks (plus 16 week catch-up).

Last week was Thanksgiving, and I took the whole week off work. I figured with all that free time I’d actually be on time for once with my weekly updates, and instead I ended up missing the update altogether. Why is it that when I do have “free time” I end up being more busy than usual? How on earth am I ever going to fit a kid into my schedule?! Granted, we did host Thanksgiving for the first time, so much of my time off last week was spent grocery shopping, cleaning and getting the house ready. I also had all kinds of aspirations to finish our kitchen cabinet painting project, but ran out of time for that too.

So this post is going to be a combined 16 & 17 week update. Without further ado…

Baby was about 4.5 inches last week (about the size of an avocado), and this week is now a little over 5 inches long — about the size of an onion. Last week it started growing hair, lashes and eyebrows, and can hear our voices. In fact, one of my baby books said the baby will have learned to recognize mine and D’s voices by the time it’s born, which makes for some familiarity once on the outside, and helps it to bond to us easier (on a side note, I’m getting really tired of referring to our baby as “it” – not much longer and I’ll actually be able to start using he/she!). This week’s major development is fattening up, growing harder bones and growing a harder, thicker umbilical cord. Still not really feeling much movement. There have been a few times where I thought I might have felt something, but I honestly couldn’t tell you if it was baby or gas bubbles — and God knows there have been plenty of those throughout this pregnancy!

Mama is definitely feeling much better. At my last update, I mentioned that I thought I might be starting to feel better, and I can now say with confidence that I definitely am. I do still tend to still have a strong gag reflex, and occasionally need to pause while brushing my teeth because I’m feeling a little gaggy, but the gagging episodes are definitely diminishing. I’m showing some, but still not as much as I thought I would by now, and I’ve still only gained a couple pounds.

To be honest, I do worry often that maybe the reason I’m not growing much because baby isn’t growing as much as it should. I know there are reasonable explanations for my lack of belly (such as strong abdominals) and lack of weight gain (high metabolism, eating well, etc.), and that everyone shows at a different pace. I also know I should probably be thankful I’m not totally ballooning up, but I think worrying just comes with the territory when you’ve had a loss.

We have our next doctor appointment tomorrow, and I will ask my doctor if she thinks my weight gain and belly size are within the normal range. Thankfully, after tomorrow’s appointment we should be able to schedule our anatomy scan for as soon as next week! My doctor said I can go any time between 18 and 20 weeks, so I’m really hoping I can get in closer to 18 weeks. I’m dying to know whether we’re having a boy or a girl, but more importantly, I need to know that baby is healthy and growing appropriately. I know the anatomy scan is VERY thorough – they check the heart, lungs, brain, spine, measure the major bones for growth, and check the skull and facial features for abnormalities. Especially since we opted out of the first trimester screening (which looks for disorders like Downs and Spina Bifida), I just really need to know that everything is developing as it should.

In other news, D and I made the trek back to our alma mater on Friday for the Apple Cup, our state’s annual college football rivalry. What an AMAZING game. The Cougs were the underdogs but ended up coming back in the 4th quarter to tie the game and then won it in overtime. The next day before heading home, we spent some time walking around the campus, which was fun, since I hadn’t been back in about 9 years. I also bought a cute board book for our baby about the Apple Cup to commemorate the occasion. Such a great memory of our little one’s first trip to Pullman.

11 weeks.

11 weeks! With each passing week, I can hardly believe I’ve made this this far. Just one more week until our 12 week appointment, and if everything goes well, we’ll let the cat out of the bag after that. I’m both excited and nervous about being “out,” though it’s going to be hard to hide it much longer. I am actually starting to look pregnant, which is crazy.

At 11 weeks…

Baby is about the size of a small lime or a fig. About 1.5-2 inches long. This week its hands will begin to open and close and form fists, and tooth buds will start to grow in the gums. The baby’s diaphragm is also forming this week, which means baby can start getting hiccups! How cute. What’s really exciting is that baby looks like a baby now, and doesn’t look so alien anymore. Everything should be in place by the end of this week, and then we just spend the next 29 weeks growing and refining.

Mama is getting bigger! As I said above, I am actually starting to look pregnant. I can now feel something hard and bulbous in my lower abdomen, which I am assuming is my uterus. Above that, just below my belly button is where everything is starting to stick out, though. I think that’s all my guts that have been displaced by my growing ute.

I have this iPhone app from BabyCenter that gives me a daily summary of what’s going on, and today’s said that I may start feeling more energetic and nausea may be fading. Not sure about the nausea part, as I’m still gagging in the mornings, but I did feel the sudden urge to paint the kitchen cabinets this weekend! I removed all the doors and hardware Saturday night, and spent all day yesterday sanding and priming the cabinet frames (with a mask, of course). It’s going to be about a two week project from start to finish, so hopefully this newfound energy lasts and I don’t lose steam!

Before – all that dark oak has got to go!

All sanded and primed (plus a Stewie photo bomb).

10 things Tuesday…

I stole the title of this post from another website. Just seemed like an appropriate way to round up some random thoughts/experiences I’ve had lately.

  1. Pregnancy brain is in full effect. Last night I went to the grocery store and on my way out, fished my car keys out of my purse and pointed the clicker at the sliding doors of the store. You know, to open them? Um, yeah…
  2. Went to our usual taco truck for lunch today with coworkers (we go every Tuesday). It didn’t really sound that great to me, but I was hungry and didn’t have a good excuse for not going with them, so I went. I figured once I ordered my usual quesadilla I would gobble it right up like normal. Nope. For some reason it tasted disgusting today. I couldn’t eat more than a few bites, no matter how hard I tried. I’m still hungry, now slightly nauseated, and cranky because I didn’t just go somewhere else like my gut (literally) was telling me to.
  3. I’m on a bagel kick for breakfast lately – especially blueberry. I know it’s not the lowest calorie breakfast I could be eating, but I’ve only gained about a pound and a half so far, so I’m going to cut myself some slack. It also seems to be the only thing that keeps me full until lunch. Come to think of it, a blueberry bagel sounds damn good right now, after my disappointing revolting quesadilla.
  4. When I stopped at the grocery store for my morning bagel today, they were giving away free cookies. I ate that cookie around 9:30 a.m. Sounded like a good idea at the time, but then the nausea hit and I immediately regretted that decision. Come to think of it, that may have contributed to my lunchtime aversions.
  5. D found out yesterday he has shingles. Ouch. He is a tough guy and never complains when he’s sick, always powers through it and goes to work, etc… and he is home on the couch in a lot of pain right now. I was a little concerned when we found out, but I called my doctor and she says since I’ve already had the chicken pox (it’s the same virus), that it’s not contagious to me or the baby… but that I shouldn’t touch any rash or sores just in case. So I washed all our bedding in hot water last night and poor D had to sleep with a shirt on (it’s on his chest, side and back). He never sleeps in a shirt, which I’m sure that only added to his discomfort. I hope he gets better soon, but I have heard it can take quite a while to run its course. Poor guy.
  6. 13 days until our next doctor appointment. It can’t come soon enough. On the other hand, after that appointment is when we plan to start letting the cat out of the bag for real, and that terrifies me to death too.
  7. I’m conflicted over how I want to handle my next doctor appointment, work-wise. For our last appointment (which was on a Friday), I took a personal day and told work I had some friends coming into town (which was also true). After our first pregnancy and ultrasound resulted in a loss, I knew there was no way I’d be able to go back to work if it were bad news. I’m glad I did that again this last time too, because even though it was good news, going back to work was just one less thing to stress about. Plus, it avoided the “I have a doctor appointment” conversation, which, when you’re a woman in prime child bearing years, seems to always raise pregnancy suspicions. Not that I’m that concerned about this next appointment raising suspicions, since I’m planning on coming clean afterward anyway, but if it does turn out to be bad news, there’s no way I’d be able to return to work afterward. I do have plenty of days off I need to use up by the end of the year, so it’s not like I can’t take a day off – I’m just not sure what I say when coworkers ask what my plans are. I can’t outright lie, especially since I’ll be outing myself as soon as I get back. I think as of now I’m just planning to be truthful and tell them I have a doctor appointment and I’ll be in late. If worse comes to worst, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
  8. I’m wearing a belly band at work today for the first time. Sooo much more comfortable while sitting down, though I now have to hike up my pants after I stand up. Clearly it’s not a perfect solution, but it’s better than the muffin top my pants give me while buttoned, not to mention the uncomfortable indentations in my belly when I sit.
  9. I have a major case of paranoia and I feel like my coworkers just KNOW I’m knocked up, even though I don’t think I’ve done anything to tip them off. Sure, I haven’t been drinking coffee lately, but that change also coincided with our move and I had mentioned to them that I’ll probably need to start drinking coffee at home before work in order to survive the commute. Other than that, I can’t imagine what would give them the idea. I’m sure I’m just being paranoid.
  10. I have no idea what we’re going to do for Halloween this year. Our friends are having a 1994-themed party. We were thinking of trying to incorporate some sort of a pregnancy announcement into the costumes, but can’t come up with anything, given the theme. Too bad our friends didn’t do this theme last year – our costumes would have been perfect.

Well, that’s all for now!

Ketchup.

Oh my. So much has happened in the last few weeks, I’m not even sure where to begin. Let’s see, I started therapy, we bought a house, my dad had a heart attack (he’s okay now), we began the process of renting out our current house, and I officially started fertility treatments.

Maybe I should break this up into sections…

Therapy:

As I mentioned in my previous post, I decided to seek out therapy to help me cope with the grief I was still dealing with from the miscarriage, and the anxiety about having trouble conceiving again since. Due to my previous therapy experience, I was a little skeptical about the process, but also aware that I did need some help. We’ve had three sessions now and I like it so far. It’s not covered by insurance, so I hope it’s worth it. I guess time will tell…

House Stuff:

A little over two weeks ago, on Thursday, July 19, we went to go see a few houses we had seen online. The last one we saw on the tour was just about perfect: great curb appeal, amazing neighborhood, great schools, huge yard, very private – it was pretty much everything we had been looking for, and anything that wasn’t 100% perfect could be updated or changed. And since the neighborhood was so nice, we’d never worry about doing too many updates and pricing ourselves out of the neighborhood. We made the offer the next day, on Friday, and found out Saturday morning our offer was accepted. Holy crap, we just bought a house!

We knew we had a lot to do to get our current house ready to rent out, so we got to work on finally finishing up some home improvement projects we had either started or procrastinated on. We close on August 24, so we’re hoping to get a renter in starting September 1. We had two families come by to look at it last night, another coming tonight, and a couple more I’m trying to schedule for next week. Both families last night said they were interested and would be filling out an application. This is all happening so fast, but is very exciting!

Our new house!

Dad’s Heart Attack:

Last Monday, my mom called me at work to tell me my dad had had a heart attack. It was some of the worst news I’d ever heard, and I felt like my heart, too, had stopped when she told me. I quickly dashed out of the office, D picked me up from work and we drove all the way around to the peninsula to meet them at the hospital. He was in really bad shape when we got there, but stable. Apparently he had been walking into a meeting earlier that day when his heart just suddenly stopped and he collapsed. Thankfully he was surrounded by his competent medical team (he’s a doctor) when it happened. They performed about 5 minutes of chest compressions on him, before zapping him with the paddles, which finally brought him back. They rushed him to the hospital, where they determined he had two 90% blockages in his arteries. They put two stints in to open them up, which should be a permanent solution — that and meds he’ll need to stay on indefinitely to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

D and I went to see him last Thursday and he was home, talking, walking around, eating, and generally in good spirits. Hard to believe we were looking at someone whose heart had completely stopped just three days prior. He is still in a lot of pain, as he cracked some ribs during chest compressions, but he’s expected to make a full recovery, and we are so thankful. Thank God it happened where it did, and not while he was driving or something.

Fertility Treatments:

Yesterday I had the doctor appointment I had set up two months ago, hoping I wouldn’t need. It’s now been almost a year since we initially started trying, and 6 cycles of charting and perfect timing since the miscarriage. We’ve been doing everything right and I should be pregnant by now, so now we start down the scary path of fertility treatments.

On the one hand, I’m glad we’re being proactive. Seeing the doctor was the first step in hopefully finally figuring out what’s wrong and getting pregnant already. On the other hand, I’m terrified. I can no longer reassure myself that “these things just take time,” or “it’ll happen any time now.” There’s a good chance something may actually be wrong. And that’s an overwhelming thought.

So to start, my doctor prescribed me 2.5 mg of Femara to take for 5 days. Femara is similar to the more well-known Clomid, in that it’s often used for women who don’t ovulate, but is also sometimes given to women who do ovulate (like me), to give ovulation a boost. Unlike Clomid, though, Femara tends to have fewer side effects and has less of a chance of turning you into an egg factory. Women on Clomid often have to be carefully monitored because they can actually produce too many eggs — and no one wants to be the next Octomom! Femara does have a slightly elevated risk of twins, but it’s so low it’s considered almost insignificant. Truth be told, in some ways I almost wouldn’t mind twins. I do want two kids, and this has been such an ordeal trying to get even one. If I could be one-and-done when it comes to pregnancy… I have to admit, that does have its appeal. Then again, with my miscarriage history, I am not interested in having a high-risk pregnancy, and multiples usually are. I’m pretty sure I’ll be a basket case when the time comes even with a normal pregnancy.

In addition to the Femara, D has to get his swimmers checked, and next month if I’m not knocked up yet, I’ll go in for what’s called a hysterosalpingogram, or HSG for short. This, I’m not looking forward to. They inject a dye in your uterus and then look at it through an ultrasound to see if there are any blockages, scar tissue, or other abnormalities. I’ve heard it’s pretty painful. Why do guys have it so easy? Look, I get that it’s awkward to have to walk into a clinic and do… that – but come on! Here I am, legs in stirrups, having this painful procedure done, while D is next door having an orgasm? Not fair.

Hopefully it won’t come to that and the Femara will do its job — without doing it too well. One would be great, two would be doable, but I don’t want a litter.

Hungry, hungry hippo.

I’m trying really hard not to give in to the mind fetus (as originally mentioned here), but alas, here I am in the two week-wait, ovar-analyzing every symptom again. The latest? A voracious appetite. I’ve seriously never experienced anything like this before – seemingly, I cannot get full, no matter what I eat!

Exhibit A: on Saturday after finishing tiling the bathroom floor, I helped myself to a very large piece of leftover lasagna. That alone would have been way more than enough to make me feel full before, but did I stop there? Nope. I immediately followed it with a second equally large piece. Hubby got home a while later and opened the refrigerator and asked where the lasagna was. Sheepishly, I admitted I finished it. He didn’t believe me. That’s how much there was! Of course, then he had to throw out an, “I’m not even mad – that’s amazing” (a la Ron Burgundy). The sad part is, I wasn’t even full.

Exhibit B: Then, last night, after finishing tiling the shower stall (yes, it was a full weekend of tiling goodness), D and I went out to dinner. I proceeded to finish my dinner and eat half of his. We got into the car and he said it hurt to sit down he was so full. Me? I could have kept eating!

Of course, it could have been ANYTHING causing this appetite change – from the hormonal supplements my doctor has me on to the fact that (hello!) I had just spent all weekend tiling and had probably worked up a decent appetite. But my mind naturally went back to the crazy appetite I had with last pregnancy. That was slightly different — back then, I didn’t eat a lot at a time, just got hungry every couple hours. Now, I seem to have a bottomless pit for a stomach. But still… I’d be lying if I said the thought didn’t cross my mind — along with the subsequent urge to go pee on a test. But I promised myself I wouldn’t test until tomorrow at the earliest. Tomorrow is our anniversary, and while I’ll only be 9 days post-ovulation (still pretty early to test), it would be so cool to be able to share that good news with D tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I’m also heading to Boston tomorrow for work, so getting a positive test means I’d have to somehow dodge the inevitable team cocktails. (Not that I’ve never had to fake or make an excuse for drinking before!). In all likelihood, even if I am knocked up this cycle, tomorrow will be too soon to tell. By going out of town (and purposefully not packing any pregnancy tests), I’ll force myself to at least wait until Thursday, which will be 11DPO. Still early for testing purposes, but much more likely to be accurate. In some ways I’m hoping tomorrow’s test is negative (but that I get a positive later this week). If I’m still testing negative I’ll feel okay with having a single glass of wine with coworkers, whereas I just couldn’t do it if I knew I was pregnant, even though logically I know it wouldn’t affect anything that early (you don’t even start sharing anything with the baby until around 6 weeks). Plus, we’re giving a pretty big presentation on Wednesday and I just know I’ll be totally distracted if I know I’m pregnant. If not for our anniversary, I would absolutely wait to test when I get back. But I want so badly to be able to give D this news for our anniversary. Not to mention, he definitely noticed the appetite thing and I’m sure he’s hoping that’s the reason too!

4/17 update: Negative test this morning, which was disappointing, but I know it’s still very early so I haven’t lost hope yet. On the upside, I was able to enjoy a guilt-free beer with my coworkers this evening in Boston. Interestingly, my boss also commented on how he was impressed with how much I was able to eat at dinner!  😐

Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.

This wasn’t our cycle. I am not pregnant.

I’ll admit, I took it really hard at first. Really hard. I know it was naive of me to think it could happen on the first try again, but a big part of me really hoped it would. After everything we’ve been through, I just want so badly to be pregnant again. It doesn’t help that it seems like everyone around me is pregnant. While I’m very happy for them all, it honestly just amplifies my pain.

I came across the above Elizabeth Taylor quote on Pinterest, and I’m really trying to keep some perspective. I’m reminded of the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte miscarries and is completely debilitated by her grief, unable to leave her living room, until she watches an E! True Hollywood Story about Elizabeth Taylor. Inspired by the way Elizabeth overcame adversity, Charlotte pulls herself off the couch, puts on a fabulous pink dress and a pair of dark sunglasses, and finds the strength to finally leave the house with her head held high.

I know it’s fiction, but I’m trying to channel this type of positive attitude. I’m willing myself to believe that it’s okay it didn’t happen on the first try; that it’s normal, in fact. I still hope it doesn’t take us a long time, but success on the first try isn’t typical and isn’t a standard I should hold myself to. I’m also trying really hard to remind myself that other people’s pregnancies have no bearing on my own fertility. Not to mention, I don’t know what they’ve been through to get there. Some of them may have suffered multiple losses or struggled through invasive fertility treatments, or been through even worse circumstances than we have.

In my quest to keep a positive outlook, I’m also reminding myself that we are in the middle of a very messy master bathroom addition, which has made me severely congested and has caused my asthma to really flare up. All this old dust and crap falling out of the attic and walls probably isn’t great for me to be inhaling anyway, but I know I would be extra-nervous if I were pregnant now. I just don’t think I could forgive myself if something were to happen again and I had any doubts about whether it was something I could have caused or prevented. So in the grand scheme of things, it’s probably better to get this bathroom project wrapped first. Not to mention it’ll be so nice to have the room complete when those middle of the night bathroom trips kick in again. With any luck, we should be done in the next couple weeks – just in time to start trying again!

Speaking of house stuff, we didn’t end up getting that house I was obsessed with. We went to see it and loved it — we even talked to a lender and got pre-approved, and were all set to make an offer when it was suddenly pulled off the market. Apparently an ex came out of the woodwork and didn’t agree with selling or something. The real estate agent said it could very likely come back on the market as a foreclosure, but there were already three offers ahead of ours, anyway. I’m disappointed, but the idea of trying to rush the bathroom remodel and find a renter, while juggling a complex bankruptcy purchase did make me a little nervous. We’re still looking, and at least now we know we can financially make it happen, so we’ll be ready to pounce when the next house comes along.

At some point, things should start falling into place… right?