14 weeks.

Another week down. Only 26 more to go!

This past week has been a little bit trying for me. Our last appointment was two weeks ago, and we don’t have another one for three more weeks. Time is just crawling by, and I’m still scared of what could go wrong. Even though I know we’re past the riskiest part, I can’t shake the fear of something happening to the baby, and me just walking around oblivious for another three weeks without any clue.

I suppose that’s partially because today is the anniversary of our loss, and that’s what happened last time. Any sort of miscarriage is rough, but when you have a “missed miscarriage” like I did, it adds a whole new level of doubt and insecurity to the pain of losing the baby. For example, I feel fine right now. I feel pregnant. I have no symptoms of anything being wrong. But I didn’t really last time either. In fact, I was still getting morning sickness even after we found out the baby had died. Therefore, I feel insecure. I don’t trust the fact that I feel fine, because how I felt meant nothing last time.

So, I broke down a couple days ago and ordered a fetal doppler. It’s the same type of machine they use in the doctor’s office to check for a heartbeat. Ironically, it’s due to arrive tonight, on the anniversary of finding no heartbeat. I sure hope I can find a heartbeat tonight. I really resisted buying a doppler for the longest time because I didn’t want to drive myself crazy, or give myself anything else to obsess over. I was also afraid that I’d flip out if I couldn’t find the heartbeat easily, or would overanalyze things if it seemed slower than last time. But … I broke down. I couldn’t wait 3 more weeks to know if everything was fine with the baby – especially since I’ll be flying out for a work event the very next day. I don’t even know what I’d do if we got to that appointment and there was no heartbeat. It would be too late to change travel plans, but could I really go on that trip, knowing I had lost another baby? At least this way, best case scenario I get to listen to the heartbeat sooner and I go into our next appointment with no surprises. Worst case scenario, we get our bad news sooner and not just before I have to fly. It’s a horrible way of thinking, but I’ve come to realize this is my new reality. I’ll never get the experience of a blissful carefree pregnancy, and while I know everyone worries to some extent, I know firsthand just how much it hurts to lose a baby and that will forever stay with me.

Wow, that wasn’t very uplifting, was it? Let’s focus on some of the more positive stuff.

At 14 weeks…

Baby is about the size of an orange, and its body is growing to be more and more in more proportion with its head. By the end of the week, its arms should be in proportion to the body too, though the legs still have some growing to do. This week it should be sucking its thumb, wiggling its toes and peeing! Yes, peeing! It’s strange to think that the baby just recycles the amniotic fluid while in utero – swallows it, pees it out and then swallows it again. Sort of gross, but I guess that’s how things work, and it’s good baby is practicing those bodily functions! Baby is also punching and kicking up a storm, even though I can’t feel it yet. I absolutely cannot wait to feel movement. I really think that will help put a lot of my fears at ease.

Mama is about the same. Still haven’t totally stopped being nauseated like everyone says I should be at this point, but at least the majority of the morning sickness seems truly relegated to the morning (unlike the “all day sickness” many pregnant women experience). I do still gag when I smell cigarette smoke, and my appetite is still a little funky, but overall, I’m feeling okay. One interesting symptom I just realized is that I’m very clumsy! We’ve had the same set of dishes since we got married in 2004 and I’ve never broken one, until a couple weeks ago, and now I’ve broken two. I looked it up today and sure enough, clumsiness is a pregnancy symptom. Has to do with hormones and loosening joints or something. Weird.

I’m showing a little bit, but not as much as I thought I would be by now. I kind of wish I was showing more for a couple reasons. One, it would be wonderful to be done with this “is she fat or is she pregnant” stage. I’m looking pretty chubby, even though I’ve only gained maybe a pound so far. More importantly, I think looking pregnant might make me feel more pregnant, and would help to ease my fears some more. I truly do wonder when I’ll reach a point where I’m no longer scared of something going wrong. I’m starting to think that might not be until baby is safe in my arms.

Only 26 more weeks…

11/8 update: I found the heartbeat last night with my new doppler! It took me a few minutes to locate it, as it was lower than I thought it would be, but I found it! Beating away at 161 BPM. What a beautiful sound. 🙂