It’s over.

I had my D&C yesterday.

After finding out last week that our baby had stopped developing a week prior and had no heartbeat, we were given three options: wait for miscarriage to happen naturally, take a pill to induce miscarriage, or go in for a dilation and curettage (D&C). I immediately ruled out the pill-induced miscarriage, as I have heard that it’s pretty intense and painful, and people sometimes end up not passing everything and needing an emergency D&C, anyway. My doctor recommended waiting to see if my body would miscarry naturally which she said could happen in a few days or a few weeks. The D&C was definitely an option, too, but carries a small risk of creating scar tissue, which is the only reason she recommended waiting it out first. She told us to go home and think it over. By the end of the day I had decided that I would give my body one week to do its thing. If I didn’t miscarry on my own by the following Monday, I would go in for a D&C. I just couldn’t wait forever and needed to begin to move on so I could heal emotionally and physically.

All last week, I had no signs of miscarrying on my own. No cramping, no bleeding, and I was still having many of my pregnancy symptoms, which were painful reminders of the baby that would never be. To be honest, I was relieved when yesterday’s appointment arrived.

The procedure itself was very easy, all things considered. We got to the hospital around 6 a.m. and were the first ones in the operating room at 7:30. I drifted off to sleep easily and woke up from surgery around 8 a.m., feeling no pain. Realizing it was truly over, though, I immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. It was an incredibly emotional experience, but at the same time, it came with a sense of healing – not unlike the intense mourning and closure you feel at a funeral. Physically, I feel fine now. A little tired and crampy, but not any worse than normal period cramps. I’m bleeding some, but not as much as I expected. I took yesterday and today off from work to give myself some time to recover physically and emotionally, but I anticipate being able to return tomorrow with no problems.

At this point, I’m looking forward to moving on. The doctor gave us the clear to begin trying again after my period resumes, which should be 4 or 5 weeks from now. I started taking my temperature again this morning to track ovulation, since we’ll need to avoid conceiving this cycle. My temperature was 98.13, which is still on the high side, which means my progesterone is probably still elevated. I’m honestly looking forward to feeling non-pregnant again, which I hope will also help with the process of moving on. As of now, I still get nauseated from time to time, my boobs are still sore, and I’m still waking up multiple times per night to pee. It’s recommended to track the decline of your hormones via pregnancy tests, but I think I’ll hold off on checking one for at least a couple weeks. I think seeing a positive pregnancy test would be too emotional at this point. I’d much rather the next time I see a positive pregnancy test to be because of a baby I’m going to have, not one I lost.

As much as I am trying to look forward to moving on, I know the baby we lost will always be a part of us. Since we got married, D and I have kept a tradition, where each Christmas we get an ornament to commemorate something that most defined that year (our wedding, adopting our dog, buying our house, etc.) I came across this ornament the other day, and ordered it right away, as it’s so fitting. As much as I hate that this tragedy is the biggest event of our year, I do want to always remember our first baby, as he/she will forever be a part of us. I just hope next year’s ornament is to commemorate our first take home baby.