Here we go again.

I’m pregnant.

I’m not sure how to feel right now. I wanted this. I want this. We did this on purpose. But I’m scared out of my mind and the fear is overshadowing all other emotions at this point.

I found out last Wednesday. I took a test at 9 days past ovulation, thinking surely it would be too early to tell (the earliest I’ve ever gotten even the faintest line was 10 DPO). I hopped in the shower after taking the test, fully expecting a stark negative by the time I got out. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a faint, but very obvious second line staring back at me. I immediately started crying. Not out of joy this time, but out of terror.

A faint second line... but a line, nonetheless.

A faint second line… but a line, nonetheless.

Of course this would happen now. Just one week prior, I actually had my first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist to look into our miscarriage history. I just wasn’t comfortable with the way my OB had essentially diagnosed me as having nothing wrong before even running any tests. Her reasoning was that most things that would cause repeat miscarriages would have affected our pregnancy with Theo. She did end up running a few tests, and everything came back clear, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to get a second opinion from someone whose specialty is getting — and keeping — people pregnant, versus an OBGYN whose focus is general women’s health issues.

The RE was very thorough in his assessment of our situation. He did agree that the fact we’ve carried a successful pregnancy to term was a very positive sign. But he didn’t agree with my OB’s assumption that a prior successful pregnancy meant there was nothing wrong. He was especially uneasy with our most recent loss since it was so late – he wasn’t ready to just blindly blame it on chromosomal abnormalities, which is the most common reason for miscarriage, and what my OB had assumed was the cause. There were also numerous tests outside the few my OB had run that he recommended looking into. He suggested we take a cycle off from trying and use the month of December to run a more thorough workup on both of us to see if they could pinpoint a reason for the losses. I explained to him that there was a chance I was already pregnant, and that I’d know in about a week. He said if that were the case, he’d monitor me closely throughout my first trimester and would run as many tests as he still could (not all the tests can be done if you’re pregnant already). I left the appointment feeling good. We had a plan. I was to call the second I either got a positive pregnancy test or started my period, as the timing of next steps was critical in both scenarios. In the meantime, I was given a prescription for a different kind of prenatal vitamin, another for extra folic acid, and I was instructed to take vitamins B6 and B12.

So on Thursday, after getting a positive home pregnancy test, I went in for my first blood draw. They were checking both my HCG and progesterone levels. HCG came back at 33, which is low, but I knew it would be low since I was only 10 days past ovulation at that point (i.e., 5 days before normal people who aren’t obsessed with peeing on tests so early would even know they were pregnant). The starting number isn’t important – but it’s supposed to double every 48 hours so the next draw would prove more critical. My progesterone was a little on the low side — 16.8, and they prefer it to be over 20. So they started me on progesterone supplements as well.

I had my second blood draw on Saturday (yesterday) and I’m happy to say my HCG was 91.4, so it’s more than doubled! I go back again on Monday for a third draw.

Also on Monday, I’ll be getting a comprehensive repeat loss panel done. I’m also going to be getting my first shot of Heparin. Even though my OB ran bloodwork for two of the most common blood clotting disorders, the RE wants to test for others, as a blood clotting disorder would both explain a later loss (a blood clot in the umbilical cord can be fatal to the baby), and could also explain why we escaped one healthy pregnancy unscathed (no blood clot during those 9 months = no problems). The RE said the tests can take 2-3 weeks to come back, and since those 2-3 weeks are some of the highest risk for miscarriage,  they’d rather put me on the Heparin injections now, and then take me off if all the bloodwork comes back clear. I’m not particularly looking forward to giving myself injections twice a day in the stomach, but if it means we get to take this baby home, I’ll do whatever it takes.

Am I?

So, I took a test this morning and I might be pregnant.

Honestly, I’m not sure what to think. I promised myself this cycle I would actually wait for my period to show instead of testing early. I’m 10 DPO today, so it’s pretty early to be testing, but I have just not been feeling like myself lately. My allergies have been out of control and the Zyrtec is doing jack squat for that. I’ve also been really nauseated off and on the past couple days. So last night I laid out a test that I planned to take first thing this morning (it’s best when you’ve been holding your pee overnight). Of course, at 2 a.m. I woke up and had to pee. I made myself go back to sleep and had restless off and on sleep, complete with multiple dreams about peeing on tests, in one of which I got my period at the same time. Super.

Finally, I got up around 6:30 and took the test. I went back to bed for about 5 minutes to wait for it to develop, and then got up and looked at the test. Big Fat Negative. Of course. I almost threw it away, but then I looked again and I swore I saw just the faintest shadow of a line. I stared at it in different lights and the more I stared, the more I swore there was something there.

Can anyone else see the line or am I seeing things? (and please ignore the dirty sink – how embarrassing!)

I went back to bed and told D I think I might be pregnant… but that I wasn’t sure. His eyes popped open really wide and he said, “Really?” I then explained how I thought I saw a line, but it was so faint, but then again, they say a line is a line… I asked if he wanted to come look at it, and when he said, “not really,” I was pretty put off. Come on, this is a big deal! But then he said he was worried about getting his hopes up again.

I do understand his hesitation. First of all, I’m not even sure if it’s really a positive test. I’ve read about “evaporation lines” that look a lot like really faint positives. Even if it is positive, we’re painfully aware that a positive test doesn’t always result in a baby.

So many thoughts running through my head right now. I really hope I am pregnant, but if I am, I can already tell it’s going to be a lot different than last time. I’m sure part of my lack of excitement has to do with the uncertainty of whether it’s really a positive, but I also think I’m going to have a hard time getting excited until we get past that first ultrasound. I think I’m subconsciously protecting myself from the extent of the pain from last time.

Hopefully testing again tomorrow will show a more clear result. Until then, I’ll remain in limbo…

How do you measure, measure a year?

Right now RENT is playing at the 5th Avenue Theater, so I have been seeing references to this song everywhere lately.

This morning I realized that a week from tomorrow will be a full year from when we started this journey. A year. It feels like just yesterday, and ages ago at the same time. I am not the same person I was a year ago, that’s for sure. This experience has definitely changed me, changed my outlook, changed how I see the entire process of having a baby. I’m now painfully aware of just how long it can take, and that time sort of stands still when you’re living your life in two week increments (period to ovulation, ovulation to  pregnancy test. Lather, rinse, repeat). I also know that a positive pregnancy doesn’t always equal a baby, and whenever I hear about someone else’s pregnancy, I am automatically guarded for them, because I know just how much it hurts to go from being over-the-moon excited to more devastated than you’ve ever felt in your entire life in a matter of seconds. I’ll also never again ask someone when they want to start having kids, because I know how much of a loaded question that seemingly innocent topic is. Not to mention, even when you finally “decide” to start a family, sometimes you find it’s not your decision to make.

In short, I’m jaded. I’m broken. That’s what a year will do to you.

Ketchup.

Oh my. So much has happened in the last few weeks, I’m not even sure where to begin. Let’s see, I started therapy, we bought a house, my dad had a heart attack (he’s okay now), we began the process of renting out our current house, and I officially started fertility treatments.

Maybe I should break this up into sections…

Therapy:

As I mentioned in my previous post, I decided to seek out therapy to help me cope with the grief I was still dealing with from the miscarriage, and the anxiety about having trouble conceiving again since. Due to my previous therapy experience, I was a little skeptical about the process, but also aware that I did need some help. We’ve had three sessions now and I like it so far. It’s not covered by insurance, so I hope it’s worth it. I guess time will tell…

House Stuff:

A little over two weeks ago, on Thursday, July 19, we went to go see a few houses we had seen online. The last one we saw on the tour was just about perfect: great curb appeal, amazing neighborhood, great schools, huge yard, very private – it was pretty much everything we had been looking for, and anything that wasn’t 100% perfect could be updated or changed. And since the neighborhood was so nice, we’d never worry about doing too many updates and pricing ourselves out of the neighborhood. We made the offer the next day, on Friday, and found out Saturday morning our offer was accepted. Holy crap, we just bought a house!

We knew we had a lot to do to get our current house ready to rent out, so we got to work on finally finishing up some home improvement projects we had either started or procrastinated on. We close on August 24, so we’re hoping to get a renter in starting September 1. We had two families come by to look at it last night, another coming tonight, and a couple more I’m trying to schedule for next week. Both families last night said they were interested and would be filling out an application. This is all happening so fast, but is very exciting!

Our new house!

Dad’s Heart Attack:

Last Monday, my mom called me at work to tell me my dad had had a heart attack. It was some of the worst news I’d ever heard, and I felt like my heart, too, had stopped when she told me. I quickly dashed out of the office, D picked me up from work and we drove all the way around to the peninsula to meet them at the hospital. He was in really bad shape when we got there, but stable. Apparently he had been walking into a meeting earlier that day when his heart just suddenly stopped and he collapsed. Thankfully he was surrounded by his competent medical team (he’s a doctor) when it happened. They performed about 5 minutes of chest compressions on him, before zapping him with the paddles, which finally brought him back. They rushed him to the hospital, where they determined he had two 90% blockages in his arteries. They put two stints in to open them up, which should be a permanent solution — that and meds he’ll need to stay on indefinitely to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

D and I went to see him last Thursday and he was home, talking, walking around, eating, and generally in good spirits. Hard to believe we were looking at someone whose heart had completely stopped just three days prior. He is still in a lot of pain, as he cracked some ribs during chest compressions, but he’s expected to make a full recovery, and we are so thankful. Thank God it happened where it did, and not while he was driving or something.

Fertility Treatments:

Yesterday I had the doctor appointment I had set up two months ago, hoping I wouldn’t need. It’s now been almost a year since we initially started trying, and 6 cycles of charting and perfect timing since the miscarriage. We’ve been doing everything right and I should be pregnant by now, so now we start down the scary path of fertility treatments.

On the one hand, I’m glad we’re being proactive. Seeing the doctor was the first step in hopefully finally figuring out what’s wrong and getting pregnant already. On the other hand, I’m terrified. I can no longer reassure myself that “these things just take time,” or “it’ll happen any time now.” There’s a good chance something may actually be wrong. And that’s an overwhelming thought.

So to start, my doctor prescribed me 2.5 mg of Femara to take for 5 days. Femara is similar to the more well-known Clomid, in that it’s often used for women who don’t ovulate, but is also sometimes given to women who do ovulate (like me), to give ovulation a boost. Unlike Clomid, though, Femara tends to have fewer side effects and has less of a chance of turning you into an egg factory. Women on Clomid often have to be carefully monitored because they can actually produce too many eggs — and no one wants to be the next Octomom! Femara does have a slightly elevated risk of twins, but it’s so low it’s considered almost insignificant. Truth be told, in some ways I almost wouldn’t mind twins. I do want two kids, and this has been such an ordeal trying to get even one. If I could be one-and-done when it comes to pregnancy… I have to admit, that does have its appeal. Then again, with my miscarriage history, I am not interested in having a high-risk pregnancy, and multiples usually are. I’m pretty sure I’ll be a basket case when the time comes even with a normal pregnancy.

In addition to the Femara, D has to get his swimmers checked, and next month if I’m not knocked up yet, I’ll go in for what’s called a hysterosalpingogram, or HSG for short. This, I’m not looking forward to. They inject a dye in your uterus and then look at it through an ultrasound to see if there are any blockages, scar tissue, or other abnormalities. I’ve heard it’s pretty painful. Why do guys have it so easy? Look, I get that it’s awkward to have to walk into a clinic and do… that – but come on! Here I am, legs in stirrups, having this painful procedure done, while D is next door having an orgasm? Not fair.

Hopefully it won’t come to that and the Femara will do its job — without doing it too well. One would be great, two would be doable, but I don’t want a litter.

Help wanted.

I’m getting help. As in, therapy.

It’s taken me a while to come to this decision, but despite the fact that time does seem to be slowly healing the pain of the miscarriage, it’s only increasing the anxiety associated with trying (and failing) to conceive again. Each month that goes by without success has me more and more worried that there’s something wrong with me, and that perhaps this won’t ever happen… that conceiving the first time was just a fluke, or the miscarriage/D&C somehow effed up my body and I’ll never be the same.

The fear is all-consuming, and it’s permeating every area of my life. I’m distracted at work. I’m unmotivated to cook, clean the house or exercise. And hobbies of mine – things that used to make me happy, like home improvement projects and volunteering with dog rescue – have all but fallen by the wayside lately. I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. Ironically, I don’t necessarily feel “down,” per se — at least most of the time. I have a few hard days where I shed some tears each month when I realize I’m not pregnant, but overall my “mood” feels pretty normal, which is why it’s taken me so long to come to the conclusion that I might actually be depressed. I’d even go so far as to say I’m feeling pretty good right now. D and I just got back from a week-long stay at our lake cabin, which was both relaxing and a lot of fun. I’m also pretty sure I’m ovulating right now, which even has me feeling hopeful and optimistic about this cycle.

So anyway, tonight I have my first appointment with a therapist. I’m not really sure what to expect, and to be completely honest, my past experience with therapy hasn’t been all that great. D and I saw a marriage counselor several years ago to help us through a rough patch, and while our relationship did in fact get better, I attribute that more to the normal ebb and flow of the relationship – and the fact that he was so willing to go with me to therapy in the first place – than any “breakthroughs” or anything that came from the therapy itself. We eventually stopped going because we felt like our relationship was getting to a better place on its own, and were tired of shelling out $185 a week just to sit on a couch and have some lady stare at us. Seriously, we may as well have been talking to a stuffed animal. She rarely offered any insight and never initiated the conversation. It was always up to us to start talking. And by “us,” I mean “me.” D has never been much of a talker (communication was always our primary issue), and he would never start the conversations in any of our therapy sessions. And since the therapist didn’t give us any structure or guidance, I always felt like it was my responsibility to start talking. I even tested that theory one time and decided that just this once, I wouldn’t be the first to talk. Surely D or the therapist would start the conversation, right? Nope. 20 whole minutes went by where we all just stared at each other, before I finally exploded from the frustration. Yeah, super awkward, a huge waste of money — and only amplified my frustration with D’s lack of communication. Real helpful.

Long story short, you could say I’m a skeptic when it comes to therapy. But, I know people who swear by it, and whenever I tell someone the story of our past therapy experience, everyone tells me that you just have to find the right therapist. So I’m going into this with an open mind. I do like that this therapist specializes in pregnancy loss and fertility issues, and that she offers a free 30 minute initial consultation. So that’s what this is tonight – a trial, to see if this is going to be a good match before I decide if this is likely to be helpful or not.

Fingers crossed…

Of course you don’t have any kids.

Someone said this to me at a work event tonight.

I get that look young. I get that I’ll appreciate it someday. I get that, believe me. But right now, I just feel like crap.

Why do conversations always have to turn to kids in social settings? I mean, I get it when, like last weekend at a friend’s BBQ and I’m the only woman there without a baby on her lap, that things would turn to kids. But at a work event? I thought that was my safe zone. Nope, the guys in the circle I was talking to started sharing kid stories, and then the attention suddenly turned to me and one of the guys was like, “so, do you have… (pause, chuckle)… of course YOU don’t have any kids.  You’re not old enough! (chuckle, chuckle)”

All I could do was plaster a fake smile on my face and say, “no, I don’t have kids.” It was really awkward. Here I am, standing next to my coworker — whose (younger than me) wife just gave birth two weeks ago — yet again in the no kids club, party of one.

Again, part of me feels like I should be flattered – I’m young – plenty of time to have kids, right? But then I caved and took a home pregnancy test when I got home (I was holding out for Sunday), and of course it was negative. I know it’s still early to be testing, but I’m not feeling confident in this cycle, either. And I’m not as young as my colleagues think I am. I’m 31. I wanted to have two kids and be done by 35. How much longer is this going to take? What if this never happens? The no kids club is just going to get lonelier and lonelier the older I get…

Today is June 15.

Today was supposed to be my due date for my angel baby. I’ve been dreading this day for a while now, but surprisingly, I think I’m doing okay so far. As I was getting ready for work this morning I felt a sudden pang of sadness when I realized what today was, but other than that, I’m all right. Actually, last week was much harder on me, as my coworker who was due around the same time as us had his baby (a couple weeks early). While I’m so happy for them and can’t wait for them to bring their baby girl into the office for a visit, it’s impossible not to think about the fact that we should be having a baby right now and I had myself a good long cry last week.

But, like I said, I think I’m doing okay. And while the day isn’t over yet, I think the anticipation of today was much worse than the day itself. I even found myself whimsically browsing baby names websites last night while in front of the TV and dreaming about our next baby. I think I’ve started to round a corner where I’m dreaming more about the future than mourning the past. And I think taking a step back from being obsessive has helped me out a lot. As I mentioned in my last post, I gave up ovulation tests, obsessive internetting, any special foods, drinks or herbs that are supposed to help with fertility, and only tracked my temperature until I could confirm ovulation and start my progesterone pills prescribed by my doc. I’m excited to say that I ovulated Monday and so I have put the thermometer away… hopefully for good this time. I’m going to try my very hardest not to think about how many “DPO” (days past ovulation) I am throughout this part of my cycle and to not allow myself to even think about peeing on a pregnancy test until Sunday, the 24th at the earliest. I even had a beer last night and am trying to just live my life without putting it on hold for what may or may not be right now.

Oh, and I got the results back from the bloodwork I had done with my regular doc (mentioned here) and everything is normal. No thyroid issues, no low Vitamin D and apparently I have “excellent” cholesterol. So, with a clean bill of health and our due date behind us, I feel both physically and emotionally ready – now more than ever. Bring on the baby.

A different approach.

I have mentioned before that I can sometimes be a little obsessive.

Let’s face it. I am the queen overanalyzer. And while I hate it when people say, “just relax and it’ll happen,” the truth is, I do need to relax. It’s not that I think relaxing will magically get me pregnant — it’s just that I’m not doing my own sanity, health and wellbeing any favors by getting wound so tightly.

Last cycle I attempted to relax by doing a meditation podcast series. While I did find myself able to physically relax for those 15 minute podcasts each day, I think adding more to my routine and getting me actively thinking about things on a regular basis just contributed to my obsession more than it helped me to relax, overall.

So, this cycle I’m forcing myself to take a break from everything but the “essentials” – that is, sex, vitamins and the progesterone prescribed by my doc. Caveat: since I can only start progesterone after ovulation, I do still need some way to track ovulation, so I’ll keep charting my temperature. It’s pretty much become second nature to me, at this point. I simply pop my thermometer in my mouth when the alarm goes off and then I go back to sleep. The only time temping causes me any stress is after ovulation when I overanalyze my chart looking for any signs that I might be knocked up. So, to avoid this, I’m only going to temp until I can confirm ovulation so I can start my progesterone, and then I’ll put the thermometer away.

In addition to the abbreviated temping, here’s what else I’m giving up (even though very few people read this blog, I figured making a list will help keep me accountable):

1. OPKs (ovulation predictor kits): In previous cycles, I had been using OPKs in conjunction with charting to pinpoint ovulation. You see, OPKs tell you when you’re likely to ovulate, but don’t confirm when it’s actually happened. Conversely, charting your temperature confirms ovulation after the fact, but gives very little indication when it’s about to happen. As a result, using the two together typically makes for a pretty good predictor/confirmation routine.

Problem is, you have to start peeing on these ovulation sticks twice a day several days before you expect to ovulate so you don’t miss it. This leads to awkwardly testing in the bathroom stall at work, squinting at the tests to try to determine whether they’re negative or positive (they can be a bit ambiguous), and then feeling the pressure to get busy once you see a positive (which can make things feel a bit clinical after a while). I think giving up OPKs will save me some obsession and force us to keep at least some of the spontaneity and romance alive.

2. Online message boards: This is one of the biggest things I’m giving up. After our miscarriage, I found a wonderful online support group that has been a godsend throughout this process. Not many people in my real life even know what we’ve been through, and even those who do can’t always relate or know the right things to say. This message board has been a huge source of support for me since no one there judges me for breaking down in tears just from seeing a pregnant lady on the street or wanting to punch the next preggo who says she’d give anything for a drink. The ladies on this message board have all been through what I’m going through – from the heightened emotions and “bad days” that creep up out of nowhere, to the low tolerance for those who complain about what we would quite literally give our right arm for. They know what it’s like, because they’ve been there.

Unfortunately, despite the tremendous support I get from this group, I am also fully aware that being entrenched in this community may be keeping me from moving on. Not to mention, many of these women have it so much worse than me. Some have been dealing with infertility for years and/or are on their third, fourth or even fifth miscarriage. As awful as our situation is, it’s probably only a minor setback in the grand scheme of things. Being surrounded by so much pain and struggling has left me feeling pretty gloomy about our future – to the point where I just expect to have trouble getting pregnant and/or will inevitably miscarry again. And while that’s certainly a possibility — and I’ll never be as naive or innocent as I once was — dwelling on worst case scenarios isn’t helping me to stay positive.

3. Dr. Google: Um, yeah. Hypochondriac overanalyzers like me should not be allowed to google anything medically-related, and should be banned from WebMD. From low Vitamin D, to hypothyroidism, to endometriosis, to Asherman’s Syndrome, to blood clotting disorders, I’ve run through a gazillion scenarios in my head as to why we miscarried and/or why we haven’t been able to get pregnant since. Of course, reading up on all those things just gets me all wound up unnecessarily. Is it possible that I have any of the aforementioned afflictions? Sure, anything’s possible. But more than likely, my miscarriage was a chromosomal issue (very common) and we haven’t gotten pregnant yet because it’s only been four cycles and it takes the average couple six months. In other words, at this stage in the game we’re still in the realm of normal. No need to go looking for problems. So I’m banning myself from googling anything pregnancy-related for one full cycle. This one was specifically requested by D, too. I think it upsets him to pick up the iPad and start to type something in, only to see my obsessive search history pop up.

4. “Hippie witchcraft”: This is D’s terminology and applies to things such as drinking pomegranate juice to thicken your uterine lining, drinking green tea to aid in conception, and eating pineapple core to assist in implantation. Yeah, I’ve tried all those things. As mentioned earlier, I even recently spent $40 on a meditation podcast series specifically designed for those trying to conceive. While I actually did enjoy the meditation and it certainly helped me sleep better, I know that I’ve gone off the deep end, looking for some silver bullet to help us get pregnant. None of the aforementioned things are harmful by any means – in fact pomegranate, green tea and pineapple are all good for you – but they aren’t helping me to stop obsessing either, so they’ve got to go.

I’m 11 days into this cycle, and I must say, I am obsessing quite a bit less, so hopefully this helps. I do still stare at the calendar every day and dream of how different my life might be a few weeks, a few months, a year from now. And I still think about the baby we lost and the baby we’re trying for multiple times throughout the day. But as our original due date approaches (just a week and a half away), I’m also starting to feel perhaps the beginning stages of some sort of closure? I can only hope.

Taking charge.

I was soooo sure this month was it. But it’s not.

I’ll admit, I’m taking it pretty hard. Why was it so easy to get pregnant the first time, and now it’s not? I know 4 months isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things, and is still in the realm of normal, but we’ve had great timing each month, I know I’m ovulating, and I know since we’re capable of getting pregnant that there’s no reason to believe there’s anything wrong with D’s swimmers. So what’s the hold up?

I decided to give my doctor a call to see what she thinks. She pretty much confirmed what I suspected – that 4 months isn’t anything to worry about. But she did say she wants to see me if we aren’t pregnant in two more months, and to go ahead and make an appointment (I can always cancel if we get pregnant before then). This makes me feel a little better. At least I feel like we have a plan of action and we’re not just sitting around until September (a year from when we originally started trying) or November (when we had our loss). I know most doctors make you try for a year before they start doing any testing, and I’m not sure whether that year starts from when you originally started trying, or if the calendar resets after a loss. Either way, it’s not like I’m expecting my doctor to do extensive testing or anything after six months, but hopefully she can at least rule out any complications from the miscarriage or the D&C as culprits.

In the meantime, I’ve set up an appointment with my general doctor for a regular whole body physical, just to make sure I’m healthy otherwise. I know I tested low for Vitamin D a couple years ago and never got my levels re-checked after starting treatment. There has been some research linking low levels of Vitamin D to miscarriage, so this is definitely something I want to rule out. I’m also a little concerned about hypothyroidism after reading something about low temperatures being linked to it. Not that I’m looking for problems (though I’ll be the first to admit I can be a bit of a hypochondriac), but I think if nothing else, it would be good for my peace of mind to know that I’m healthy and that there’s nothing going on with my body that’s keeping me from getting or staying pregnant.

So I have my general physical scheduled for June 4 – a little over a week away, and then a little over two months until my OB appointment on August 2. With any luck, I don’t even end up needing my appointment with my OB. But at least I feel like I’m being proactive and taking charge in the meantime.

It’s baaaack…

Yep, it’s the mind fetus again (as mentioned here and here).

This time it’s more convincing than ever, and it’s taking me every ounce of willpower not to take a test, but it’s still probably too early so I am hoping to wait a few more days. So what’s so different about this time? First of all, I woke up this morning around 5:30 a.m. completely STARVING. I’m never hungry in the mornings, though when I was pregnant, I was hungry every time I woke up. Then, I got up and when I went to feed the dogs, I started gagging and dry heaving from the smell of dog food. Again, only time that’s ever happened was last time I was pregnant! Oh, and to top it off, once I got into the office, I just could not make myself drink my coffee – it just sounded really terrible to me. Another thing that’s only happened to me during pregnancy.

Argh. I’m driving myself crazy. I’m only about 8 or 9 days past ovulation, which is still probably too early to test, and if it’s too early to test, it’s too early to be having symptoms. Did you hear that, self? If it’s too early to test, it’s too early to be having symptoms. Yet, I can’t just ignore what I’m feeling, because it’s very real. On the other hand, the mind is a powerful thing, and I’m sure it’s possible that on some subconscious level, I could be willing myself into these symptoms just because I want to be pregnant again so badly.

Needless to say, time will be crawling by until next Wednesday, which is the date I’m aiming to hold off on testing for. 5 more days. Can I do this?