Category: musings

musings, pregnancy

Mo-om, knock it off!

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I can just hear my kid saying that already.

As I mentioned yesterday, baby is supposed to be sensitive to light now and I had read that if I shine a flashlight at my belly, baby will try to move away from the light. Well, this morning before getting out of bed, I gave it a try. Whether baby was moving away from it or not, I couldn’t feel anything. Sad face. I’m definitely looking forward to feeling movement.

So, I decided to get out the doppler. Not because I was worried, but just because I felt like it. I don’t think baby likes being dopplered, though. Every time I would find the heartbeat, baby would move and I’d lose it, only to find it again in a different spot, before baby would move again. Still couldn’t feel anything, but it was amusing nonetheless. After a few minutes, I finally decided to stop pestering my kid. I’m not sure if baby can roll its eyes yet, but I’m pretty sure it would if it could.

health & body, musings, pregnancy

Fat, pregnant or can’t tell?

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

This is the question I have begun asking D every time I get dressed. “Do I look fat, pregnant, or can you tell?” Bless his heart, he usually says “can’t tell” and has never once answered “fat.”

But I can tell. I’m at that super awkward phase where I definitely have more belly, but it’s not obvious that I’m pregnant. In some outfits I really do look pregnant. In others, I just look like I’ve had too many cheeseburgers. And in others it’s hard to tell a difference at all. Ever since I started “showing” (I use that term loosely, since in the beginning it was just bloat, and I’ve been poochy since about 6 weeks), I’ve been leaning more toward the third category: wearing bulky sweaters, loose fitting tops, or shirts with empire waists. And a strategically placed scarf has been my best friend. But you know what? I’m getting sick of wearing the same 5 things over and over again, so lately I’ve been breaking out some of my normal clothes again. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I’m not too worried if someone gives my midsection a second glance. But I’ve come to accept that some items of clothing are going to need to be retired indefinitely because they are just NOT flattering anymore. Each morning is trial and error, averaging about 3 outfit changes. Today I’ve settled on a pink and black striped shirt, that definitely clings to the belly more, but the stripe pattern makes things not quite so obvious from the front, and I slipped a black cardigan over it, which hides the belly from certain angles. You can still see a belly from a side profile, but at least I can wear my belly band underneath, which smooths it out some and makes it look more pregnant and less muffin top. At least, I think…

friends & family, health & body, house, loss, musings, pregnancy

10 things Tuesday…

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I stole the title of this post from another website. Just seemed like an appropriate way to round up some random thoughts/experiences I’ve had lately.

  1. Pregnancy brain is in full effect. Last night I went to the grocery store and on my way out, fished my car keys out of my purse and pointed the clicker at the sliding doors of the store. You know, to open them? Um, yeah…
  2. Went to our usual taco truck for lunch today with coworkers (we go every Tuesday). It didn’t really sound that great to me, but I was hungry and didn’t have a good excuse for not going with them, so I went. I figured once I ordered my usual quesadilla I would gobble it right up like normal. Nope. For some reason it tasted disgusting today. I couldn’t eat more than a few bites, no matter how hard I tried. I’m still hungry, now slightly nauseated, and cranky because I didn’t just go somewhere else like my gut (literally) was telling me to.
  3. I’m on a bagel kick for breakfast lately – especially blueberry. I know it’s not the lowest calorie breakfast I could be eating, but I’ve only gained about a pound and a half so far, so I’m going to cut myself some slack. It also seems to be the only thing that keeps me full until lunch. Come to think of it, a blueberry bagel sounds damn good right now, after my disappointing revolting quesadilla.
  4. When I stopped at the grocery store for my morning bagel today, they were giving away free cookies. I ate that cookie around 9:30 a.m. Sounded like a good idea at the time, but then the nausea hit and I immediately regretted that decision. Come to think of it, that may have contributed to my lunchtime aversions.
  5. D found out yesterday he has shingles. Ouch. He is a tough guy and never complains when he’s sick, always powers through it and goes to work, etc… and he is home on the couch in a lot of pain right now. I was a little concerned when we found out, but I called my doctor and she says since I’ve already had the chicken pox (it’s the same virus), that it’s not contagious to me or the baby… but that I shouldn’t touch any rash or sores just in case. So I washed all our bedding in hot water last night and poor D had to sleep with a shirt on (it’s on his chest, side and back). He never sleeps in a shirt, which I’m sure that only added to his discomfort. I hope he gets better soon, but I have heard it can take quite a while to run its course. Poor guy.
  6. 13 days until our next doctor appointment. It can’t come soon enough. On the other hand, after that appointment is when we plan to start letting the cat out of the bag for real, and that terrifies me to death too.
  7. I’m conflicted over how I want to handle my next doctor appointment, work-wise. For our last appointment (which was on a Friday), I took a personal day and told work I had some friends coming into town (which was also true). After our first pregnancy and ultrasound resulted in a loss, I knew there was no way I’d be able to go back to work if it were bad news. I’m glad I did that again this last time too, because even though it was good news, going back to work was just one less thing to stress about. Plus, it avoided the “I have a doctor appointment” conversation, which, when you’re a woman in prime child bearing years, seems to always raise pregnancy suspicions. Not that I’m that concerned about this next appointment raising suspicions, since I’m planning on coming clean afterward anyway, but if it does turn out to be bad news, there’s no way I’d be able to return to work afterward. I do have plenty of days off I need to use up by the end of the year, so it’s not like I can’t take a day off – I’m just not sure what I say when coworkers ask what my plans are. I can’t outright lie, especially since I’ll be outing myself as soon as I get back. I think as of now I’m just planning to be truthful and tell them I have a doctor appointment and I’ll be in late. If worse comes to worst, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
  8. I’m wearing a belly band at work today for the first time. Sooo much more comfortable while sitting down, though I now have to hike up my pants after I stand up. Clearly it’s not a perfect solution, but it’s better than the muffin top my pants give me while buttoned, not to mention the uncomfortable indentations in my belly when I sit.
  9. I have a major case of paranoia and I feel like my coworkers just KNOW I’m knocked up, even though I don’t think I’ve done anything to tip them off. Sure, I haven’t been drinking coffee lately, but that change also coincided with our move and I had mentioned to them that I’ll probably need to start drinking coffee at home before work in order to survive the commute. Other than that, I can’t imagine what would give them the idea. I’m sure I’m just being paranoid.
  10. I have no idea what we’re going to do for Halloween this year. Our friends are having a 1994-themed party. We were thinking of trying to incorporate some sort of a pregnancy announcement into the costumes, but can’t come up with anything, given the theme. Too bad our friends didn’t do this theme last year – our costumes would have been perfect.

Well, that’s all for now!

health & body, loss, musings, pregnancy

Then vs. now.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different this pregnancy is from my last one, and yet, in some ways is also very familiar. I know every pregnancy is different, but I have to admit I’m clinging to the differences in hopes that it’ll have a different outcome this time.

My outlook…

Then: I was always worried about the possibility of miscarriage, but I think deep down I felt like it would never happen to me. I was instantly bonded to my baby and I thought a lot about the future. I was scared but mostly looking forward to our 8 week ultrasound so I could get the reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

Now: Not only am I worried about miscarriage, but deep down I almost expect it to happen again, even though statistically I know I’m more likely to have a healthy baby this time. I’m sad to say I don’t feel bonded to this baby — yet — but I hope that will happen if/when we can get past a successful 8 week ultrasound. I don’t put a lot of thought into the future this time – I’m just taking things one day at a time. I’m not so much “looking forward” to our 8 week ultrasound, as I am just wanting it to be over with already. Either rip the band aid off or let me start moving forward. I just feel like I’m in limbo right now.

Morning sickness…

Then: At first the only thing that really got me queasy was the smell of dog food. That was my first sign I was pregnant, actually, and I had to make D start feeding the dogs for me. The actual throwing up didn’t start until about 5 and a half weeks, and once it did, it was always in the shower in the mornings. Then, around 6 weeks, walking started making me nauseated. On the occasion that the nausea would hit me at work, I had candied ginger in my desk that I munched on to help it go away.

Now: I started throwing up instantly, and it was morning and night (but felt fine during the day). But that only lasted a few days and then it went away for a few days. Then the nausea came back and now I have the occasional vomiting in the mornings and just a general queasy feeling that lasts all day. I have gagged a couple times over dog food this time, but it doesn’t seem to be as strong of an aversion as last time, as some days I’m fine with it. I still have D feed the dogs regularly, but on the occasion he’s been out of town or gotten home late, I have usually been able to do it with no problems. I haven’t been able to stand ginger since the miscarriage as it reminds me too much of my last pregnancy, and I’m not a huge fan of ginger to begin with, so I’m sticking with saltines as my work nausea remedy.

Food cravings/aversions…

Then: All I wanted last time was anything healthy. Couldn’t stand sweets, especially chocolate or anything artificial. Coffee didn’t sound good, but I would have a tiny bit every morning just to wake me up and to stave off the inevitable caffeine withdrawal headaches.

Now: I’m still craving healthy foods, but for some reason lettuce sometimes tastes really bitter to me. I’m also loving fruit, especially peaches. And while I’m not craving chocolate, I did see a commercial for Wendy’s the other night and wanted a Frosty like no one’s business. Funny, since my mom always craved Frostys when she was pregnant with me. I also had a huge hankering for cottage cheese a few nights ago, but then when I bought some last night it tasted gross. Could have been the fact that it was from a health food store and they may make it a bit differently than the big brands. Similar to last time, coffee doesn’t sound good. This time I’ve been able to cut out caffeine altogether, though. I started tapering down my caffeine use while we were trying to conceive, and then I tapered down even more once we got pregnant so that within a week I had completely quit.

Skin…

Then: My skin was bright and clear last time. I think I had that whole pregnancy “glow” thing going on.

Now: Not so much. I look like a hormonal teenager.

Emotions…

Then: I got a little teary a few times, but nothing that seemed to interfere much with my day-to-day life.

Now: I will be the first to admit I have turned into a raging beyotch! Poor D. I have such a short fuse and feel cranky all the time. Yesterday he called me and asked me to look up directions to somewhere on my phone and I got all snippy and went off on him about how he always relies on me to know where we’re going and never takes it upon himself to do so. After we hung up, I started crying because I don’t like the person I’ve turned into. I feel like such a loony!

Gender gut feeling…

Then: I felt like I was having a boy.

Now: I feel like it’s a girl. Neither of these are based on anything but just a gut feeling. I never got to find out if I was right last time and am just praying I get to this time.

Other stuff…

Both times I got extremely bloated and had really sore boobs. Like last time, I’m hungry all the time, but seem to not want to eat as much in one sitting. I also have trouble sleeping and wake up multiple times per night to pee. I think I’m more tired this time, and I get frequent headaches, which I didn’t get last time. Again, just really hoping any differences are good signs that I can expect a different outcome! 16 days until our ultrasound…

loss, musings, songs, quotes & poems, TTC after loss

How do you measure, measure a year?

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Right now RENT is playing at the 5th Avenue Theater, so I have been seeing references to this song everywhere lately.

This morning I realized that a week from tomorrow will be a full year from when we started this journey. A year. It feels like just yesterday, and ages ago at the same time. I am not the same person I was a year ago, that’s for sure. This experience has definitely changed me, changed my outlook, changed how I see the entire process of having a baby. I’m now painfully aware of just how long it can take, and that time sort of stands still when you’re living your life in two week increments (period to ovulation, ovulation to  pregnancy test. Lather, rinse, repeat). I also know that a positive pregnancy doesn’t always equal a baby, and whenever I hear about someone else’s pregnancy, I am automatically guarded for them, because I know just how much it hurts to go from being over-the-moon excited to more devastated than you’ve ever felt in your entire life in a matter of seconds. I’ll also never again ask someone when they want to start having kids, because I know how much of a loaded question that seemingly innocent topic is. Not to mention, even when you finally “decide” to start a family, sometimes you find it’s not your decision to make.

In short, I’m jaded. I’m broken. That’s what a year will do to you.

health & body, musings, TTC after loss

Help wanted.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I’m getting help. As in, therapy.

It’s taken me a while to come to this decision, but despite the fact that time does seem to be slowly healing the pain of the miscarriage, it’s only increasing the anxiety associated with trying (and failing) to conceive again. Each month that goes by without success has me more and more worried that there’s something wrong with me, and that perhaps this won’t ever happen… that conceiving the first time was just a fluke, or the miscarriage/D&C somehow effed up my body and I’ll never be the same.

The fear is all-consuming, and it’s permeating every area of my life. I’m distracted at work. I’m unmotivated to cook, clean the house or exercise. And hobbies of mine – things that used to make me happy, like home improvement projects and volunteering with dog rescue – have all but fallen by the wayside lately. I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. Ironically, I don’t necessarily feel “down,” per se — at least most of the time. I have a few hard days where I shed some tears each month when I realize I’m not pregnant, but overall my “mood” feels pretty normal, which is why it’s taken me so long to come to the conclusion that I might actually be depressed. I’d even go so far as to say I’m feeling pretty good right now. D and I just got back from a week-long stay at our lake cabin, which was both relaxing and a lot of fun. I’m also pretty sure I’m ovulating right now, which even has me feeling hopeful and optimistic about this cycle.

So anyway, tonight I have my first appointment with a therapist. I’m not really sure what to expect, and to be completely honest, my past experience with therapy hasn’t been all that great. D and I saw a marriage counselor several years ago to help us through a rough patch, and while our relationship did in fact get better, I attribute that more to the normal ebb and flow of the relationship – and the fact that he was so willing to go with me to therapy in the first place – than any “breakthroughs” or anything that came from the therapy itself. We eventually stopped going because we felt like our relationship was getting to a better place on its own, and were tired of shelling out $185 a week just to sit on a couch and have some lady stare at us. Seriously, we may as well have been talking to a stuffed animal. She rarely offered any insight and never initiated the conversation. It was always up to us to start talking. And by “us,” I mean “me.” D has never been much of a talker (communication was always our primary issue), and he would never start the conversations in any of our therapy sessions. And since the therapist didn’t give us any structure or guidance, I always felt like it was my responsibility to start talking. I even tested that theory one time and decided that just this once, I wouldn’t be the first to talk. Surely D or the therapist would start the conversation, right? Nope. 20 whole minutes went by where we all just stared at each other, before I finally exploded from the frustration. Yeah, super awkward, a huge waste of money — and only amplified my frustration with D’s lack of communication. Real helpful.

Long story short, you could say I’m a skeptic when it comes to therapy. But, I know people who swear by it, and whenever I tell someone the story of our past therapy experience, everyone tells me that you just have to find the right therapist. So I’m going into this with an open mind. I do like that this therapist specializes in pregnancy loss and fertility issues, and that she offers a free 30 minute initial consultation. So that’s what this is tonight – a trial, to see if this is going to be a good match before I decide if this is likely to be helpful or not.

Fingers crossed…

musings, TTC after loss

Of course you don’t have any kids.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Someone said this to me at a work event tonight.

I get that look young. I get that I’ll appreciate it someday. I get that, believe me. But right now, I just feel like crap.

Why do conversations always have to turn to kids in social settings? I mean, I get it when, like last weekend at a friend’s BBQ and I’m the only woman there without a baby on her lap, that things would turn to kids. But at a work event? I thought that was my safe zone. Nope, the guys in the circle I was talking to started sharing kid stories, and then the attention suddenly turned to me and one of the guys was like, “so, do you have… (pause, chuckle)… of course YOU don’t have any kids.  You’re not old enough! (chuckle, chuckle)”

All I could do was plaster a fake smile on my face and say, “no, I don’t have kids.” It was really awkward. Here I am, standing next to my coworker — whose (younger than me) wife just gave birth two weeks ago — yet again in the no kids club, party of one.

Again, part of me feels like I should be flattered – I’m young – plenty of time to have kids, right? But then I caved and took a home pregnancy test when I got home (I was holding out for Sunday), and of course it was negative. I know it’s still early to be testing, but I’m not feeling confident in this cycle, either. And I’m not as young as my colleagues think I am. I’m 31. I wanted to have two kids and be done by 35. How much longer is this going to take? What if this never happens? The no kids club is just going to get lonelier and lonelier the older I get…

health & body, loss, musings, planning, TTC after loss

Today is June 15.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Today was supposed to be my due date for my angel baby. I’ve been dreading this day for a while now, but surprisingly, I think I’m doing okay so far. As I was getting ready for work this morning I felt a sudden pang of sadness when I realized what today was, but other than that, I’m all right. Actually, last week was much harder on me, as my coworker who was due around the same time as us had his baby (a couple weeks early). While I’m so happy for them and can’t wait for them to bring their baby girl into the office for a visit, it’s impossible not to think about the fact that we should be having a baby right now and I had myself a good long cry last week.

But, like I said, I think I’m doing okay. And while the day isn’t over yet, I think the anticipation of today was much worse than the day itself. I even found myself whimsically browsing baby names websites last night while in front of the TV and dreaming about our next baby. I think I’ve started to round a corner where I’m dreaming more about the future than mourning the past. And I think taking a step back from being obsessive has helped me out a lot. As I mentioned in my last post, I gave up ovulation tests, obsessive internetting, any special foods, drinks or herbs that are supposed to help with fertility, and only tracked my temperature until I could confirm ovulation and start my progesterone pills prescribed by my doc. I’m excited to say that I ovulated Monday and so I have put the thermometer away… hopefully for good this time. I’m going to try my very hardest not to think about how many “DPO” (days past ovulation) I am throughout this part of my cycle and to not allow myself to even think about peeing on a pregnancy test until Sunday, the 24th at the earliest. I even had a beer last night and am trying to just live my life without putting it on hold for what may or may not be right now.

Oh, and I got the results back from the bloodwork I had done with my regular doc (mentioned here) and everything is normal. No thyroid issues, no low Vitamin D and apparently I have “excellent” cholesterol. So, with a clean bill of health and our due date behind us, I feel both physically and emotionally ready – now more than ever. Bring on the baby.

loss, musings, TTC after loss

A different approach.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I have mentioned before that I can sometimes be a little obsessive.

Let’s face it. I am the queen overanalyzer. And while I hate it when people say, “just relax and it’ll happen,” the truth is, I do need to relax. It’s not that I think relaxing will magically get me pregnant — it’s just that I’m not doing my own sanity, health and wellbeing any favors by getting wound so tightly.

Last cycle I attempted to relax by doing a meditation podcast series. While I did find myself able to physically relax for those 15 minute podcasts each day, I think adding more to my routine and getting me actively thinking about things on a regular basis just contributed to my obsession more than it helped me to relax, overall.

So, this cycle I’m forcing myself to take a break from everything but the “essentials” – that is, sex, vitamins and the progesterone prescribed by my doc. Caveat: since I can only start progesterone after ovulation, I do still need some way to track ovulation, so I’ll keep charting my temperature. It’s pretty much become second nature to me, at this point. I simply pop my thermometer in my mouth when the alarm goes off and then I go back to sleep. The only time temping causes me any stress is after ovulation when I overanalyze my chart looking for any signs that I might be knocked up. So, to avoid this, I’m only going to temp until I can confirm ovulation so I can start my progesterone, and then I’ll put the thermometer away.

In addition to the abbreviated temping, here’s what else I’m giving up (even though very few people read this blog, I figured making a list will help keep me accountable):

1. OPKs (ovulation predictor kits): In previous cycles, I had been using OPKs in conjunction with charting to pinpoint ovulation. You see, OPKs tell you when you’re likely to ovulate, but don’t confirm when it’s actually happened. Conversely, charting your temperature confirms ovulation after the fact, but gives very little indication when it’s about to happen. As a result, using the two together typically makes for a pretty good predictor/confirmation routine.

Problem is, you have to start peeing on these ovulation sticks twice a day several days before you expect to ovulate so you don’t miss it. This leads to awkwardly testing in the bathroom stall at work, squinting at the tests to try to determine whether they’re negative or positive (they can be a bit ambiguous), and then feeling the pressure to get busy once you see a positive (which can make things feel a bit clinical after a while). I think giving up OPKs will save me some obsession and force us to keep at least some of the spontaneity and romance alive.

2. Online message boards: This is one of the biggest things I’m giving up. After our miscarriage, I found a wonderful online support group that has been a godsend throughout this process. Not many people in my real life even know what we’ve been through, and even those who do can’t always relate or know the right things to say. This message board has been a huge source of support for me since no one there judges me for breaking down in tears just from seeing a pregnant lady on the street or wanting to punch the next preggo who says she’d give anything for a drink. The ladies on this message board have all been through what I’m going through – from the heightened emotions and “bad days” that creep up out of nowhere, to the low tolerance for those who complain about what we would quite literally give our right arm for. They know what it’s like, because they’ve been there.

Unfortunately, despite the tremendous support I get from this group, I am also fully aware that being entrenched in this community may be keeping me from moving on. Not to mention, many of these women have it so much worse than me. Some have been dealing with infertility for years and/or are on their third, fourth or even fifth miscarriage. As awful as our situation is, it’s probably only a minor setback in the grand scheme of things. Being surrounded by so much pain and struggling has left me feeling pretty gloomy about our future – to the point where I just expect to have trouble getting pregnant and/or will inevitably miscarry again. And while that’s certainly a possibility — and I’ll never be as naive or innocent as I once was — dwelling on worst case scenarios isn’t helping me to stay positive.

3. Dr. Google: Um, yeah. Hypochondriac overanalyzers like me should not be allowed to google anything medically-related, and should be banned from WebMD. From low Vitamin D, to hypothyroidism, to endometriosis, to Asherman’s Syndrome, to blood clotting disorders, I’ve run through a gazillion scenarios in my head as to why we miscarried and/or why we haven’t been able to get pregnant since. Of course, reading up on all those things just gets me all wound up unnecessarily. Is it possible that I have any of the aforementioned afflictions? Sure, anything’s possible. But more than likely, my miscarriage was a chromosomal issue (very common) and we haven’t gotten pregnant yet because it’s only been four cycles and it takes the average couple six months. In other words, at this stage in the game we’re still in the realm of normal. No need to go looking for problems. So I’m banning myself from googling anything pregnancy-related for one full cycle. This one was specifically requested by D, too. I think it upsets him to pick up the iPad and start to type something in, only to see my obsessive search history pop up.

4. “Hippie witchcraft”: This is D’s terminology and applies to things such as drinking pomegranate juice to thicken your uterine lining, drinking green tea to aid in conception, and eating pineapple core to assist in implantation. Yeah, I’ve tried all those things. As mentioned earlier, I even recently spent $40 on a meditation podcast series specifically designed for those trying to conceive. While I actually did enjoy the meditation and it certainly helped me sleep better, I know that I’ve gone off the deep end, looking for some silver bullet to help us get pregnant. None of the aforementioned things are harmful by any means – in fact pomegranate, green tea and pineapple are all good for you – but they aren’t helping me to stop obsessing either, so they’ve got to go.

I’m 11 days into this cycle, and I must say, I am obsessing quite a bit less, so hopefully this helps. I do still stare at the calendar every day and dream of how different my life might be a few weeks, a few months, a year from now. And I still think about the baby we lost and the baby we’re trying for multiple times throughout the day. But as our original due date approaches (just a week and a half away), I’m also starting to feel perhaps the beginning stages of some sort of closure? I can only hope.

loss, musings, TTC after loss

D-Day.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

A few days ago I got an email, titled “Week 34 of your Pregnancy.”

Ouch.

I must have gotten on some mailing list a while back, and clearly they didn’t get the memo that I am in fact NOT pregnant anymore.

34 weeks. I should be huge right now. Uncomfortable. Swollen ankles. Unable to sleep. Just ready to get this baby out of me already. (sigh) That sounds wonderful. Instead, I’m coming up on another ovulation soon and hoping that just maybe this will finally be our cycle. Because if it isn’t, I won’t be pregnant when our original June 15 due date rolls around. (Well, theoretically we could conceive just a few days beforehand, but there would be no way we’d knowingly be pregnant when D-day arrives.)

June 15. That date has been at the forefront of my thoughts for the past 7 months, ever since we got our positive test on October 6th. First it was a date I was looking forward to — this was to be our baby’s birthday! (or at least close to it). And then after we lost the baby, it was a date that was looming over me like a dark cloud on the horizon. I knew I would be sad when that day came around, but of course I would be pregnant again by then, so maybe by that time it would only be a bittersweet day. I’d be sad about the baby we lost, but that sorrow would be overshadowed by the excitement about the new baby I was carrying. And there would be a new date permeating my every thought.

But here I am, with June 15 just around the corner, and not pregnant yet.

While a big part of me feels like I NEED to get pregnant before then in order to physically survive the day, a small part of me just wants the date to get here already. Rip the band-aid off. I know that day will be hard on me, but perhaps the anticipation of the day is worse than the day itself? Maybe afterward I’ll feel less pressure and anxiety for it to happen by a certain time. I sort of went through similar emotions with trying to have a baby by the end of the calendar year, for insurance reasons. When we lost the baby in November, I figured we had until March to conceive and still have a 2012 baby. Easy peasy, right? We would start trying again in December, giving us a whole 4 months to get pregnant. We did it in the first month the first time, so how hard could it be? Well, then I had some complications from the miscarriage and we didn’t even get to start trying again until the end of January, shortening our window of opportunity. Still, I had hope. But the months went by and — nada. Interestingly, once I had resigned myself to the fact that we wouldn’t have a baby in 2012, I felt less pressure. If not for this looming due date, maybe I’d feel even less pressure? Who knows… What I do know is that time pressures or not, I do want to be pregnant again as soon as possible… and that’s something that won’t ever change.