health & body, musings, TTC after loss

Help wanted.

I’m getting help. As in, therapy.

It’s taken me a while to come to this decision, but despite the fact that time does seem to be slowly healing the pain of the miscarriage, it’s only increasing the anxiety associated with trying (and failing) to conceive again. Each month that goes by without success has me more and more worried that there’s something wrong with me, and that perhaps this won’t ever happen… that conceiving the first time was just a fluke, or the miscarriage/D&C somehow effed up my body and I’ll never be the same.

The fear is all-consuming, and it’s permeating every area of my life. I’m distracted at work. I’m unmotivated to cook, clean the house or exercise. And hobbies of mine – things that used to make me happy, like home improvement projects and volunteering with dog rescue – have all but fallen by the wayside lately. I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. Ironically, I don’t necessarily feel “down,” per se — at least most of the time. I have a few hard days where I shed some tears each month when I realize I’m not pregnant, but overall my “mood” feels pretty normal, which is why it’s taken me so long to come to the conclusion that I might actually be depressed. I’d even go so far as to say I’m feeling pretty good right now. D and I just got back from a week-long stay at our lake cabin, which was both relaxing and a lot of fun. I’m also pretty sure I’m ovulating right now, which even has me feeling hopeful and optimistic about this cycle.

So anyway, tonight I have my first appointment with a therapist. I’m not really sure what to expect, and to be completely honest, my past experience with therapy hasn’t been all that great. D and I saw a marriage counselor several years ago to help us through a rough patch, and while our relationship did in fact get better, I attribute that more to the normal ebb and flow of the relationship – and the fact that he was so willing to go with me to therapy in the first place – than any “breakthroughs” or anything that came from the therapy itself. We eventually stopped going because we felt like our relationship was getting to a better place on its own, and were tired of shelling out $185 a week just to sit on a couch and have some lady stare at us. Seriously, we may as well have been talking to a stuffed animal. She rarely offered any insight and never initiated the conversation. It was always up to us to start talking. And by “us,” I mean “me.” D has never been much of a talker (communication was always our primary issue), and he would never start the conversations in any of our therapy sessions. And since the therapist didn’t give us any structure or guidance, I always felt like it was my responsibility to start talking. I even tested that theory one time and decided that just this once, I wouldn’t be the first to talk. Surely D or the therapist would start the conversation, right? Nope. 20 whole minutes went by where we all just stared at each other, before I finally exploded from the frustration. Yeah, super awkward, a huge waste of money — and only amplified my frustration with D’s lack of communication. Real helpful.

Long story short, you could say I’m a skeptic when it comes to therapy. But, I know people who swear by it, and whenever I tell someone the story of our past therapy experience, everyone tells me that you just have to find the right therapist. So I’m going into this with an open mind. I do like that this therapist specializes in pregnancy loss and fertility issues, and that she offers a free 30 minute initial consultation. So that’s what this is tonight – a trial, to see if this is going to be a good match before I decide if this is likely to be helpful or not.

Fingers crossed…

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