musings, TTC after loss

Of course you don’t have any kids.

Someone said this to me at a work event tonight.

I get that look young. I get that I’ll appreciate it someday. I get that, believe me. But right now, I just feel like crap.

Why do conversations always have to turn to kids in social settings? I mean, I get it when, like last weekend at a friend’s BBQ and I’m the only woman there without a baby on her lap, that things would turn to kids. But at a work event? I thought that was my safe zone. Nope, the guys in the circle I was talking to started sharing kid stories, and then the attention suddenly turned to me and one of the guys was like, “so, do you have… (pause, chuckle)… of course YOU don’t have any kids.  You’re not old enough! (chuckle, chuckle)”

All I could do was plaster a fake smile on my face and say, “no, I don’t have kids.” It was really awkward. Here I am, standing next to my coworker — whose (younger than me) wife just gave birth two weeks ago — yet again in the no kids club, party of one.

Again, part of me feels like I should be flattered – I’m young – plenty of time to have kids, right? But then I caved and took a home pregnancy test when I got home (I was holding out for Sunday), and of course it was negative. I know it’s still early to be testing, but I’m not feeling confident in this cycle, either. And I’m not as young as my colleagues think I am. I’m 31. I wanted to have two kids and be done by 35. How much longer is this going to take? What if this never happens? The no kids club is just going to get lonelier and lonelier the older I get…

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