Author: Keeping up with the Hoffmans

health & body, loss, musings, TTC after loss

Patience, grasshoper.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

If I had to pick one word to describe myself, let’s just say “patient” wouldn’t be the first thing that comes to mind.

In addition to being the most heartbreaking and emotionally draining thing we’ve ever been through, this whole process has been a huge test of patience for me. You see, when I get it in my head that I want something, now isn’t soon enough. So when we decided we were ready to try for a baby, waiting to get a positive pregnancy test seemed to take forever. Once we finally saw those two magical lines, waiting for that first 8 week appointment and ultrasound took an eternity. And when we got that bad news, I waited one week to miscarry on my own before getting a D&C just to get it over with.

That surgery should have represented the beginning of the healing process for us. We would still have to wait approximately one month for my period to return, but after that we could begin trying again. As devastated as I was over the loss of our baby, I knew I wanted to be a mother, and the prospect of trying again was the only thing that kept me sane some days. If I could just get through this month of waiting, things would surely start to look up.

But things didn’t go as smoothly as they should have. Instead having some mild bleeding post-surgery that disappeared after a few days, the bleeding didn’t go away… in fact, it began to get heavier. When two weeks went by and the bleeding wasn’t ceasing, I called the doctor, and found out that sometimes they don’t get everything with the D&C, and I was likely bleeding because my body was trying to expel what was left behind. I waited for another week to see if my body would take care of it on its own before going into the doctor’s office, where they performed a procedure to attempt to manually suction out the contents of my uterus. One of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced in my life. She then sent me home with a prescription for Methergine, which would make my uterus contract and expel anything that was left. That was one week ago, and besides some very mild occasional spotting, the bleeding seems to be finally done… 32 days later.

Thirty-two days. By now I should have already gone through one cycle of waiting and we should be on our way to trying again. But I’m still getting a very faint positive pregnancy test, which means the pregnancy hormones have yet to completely leave my system. I have to wait for my hormones to drop before I can ovulate, after which point I have to wait approximately two weeks for my period to arrive. We can’t start trying again until after I get my period, and even then, I will have to wait about two more weeks to ovulate, and then wait two more weeks after that until I can take a pregnancy test. If it’s negative, the waiting game just got extended by another month. When will this end? When will we get our baby?

In a previous post I was optimistic about the future, and even thought there could be a good omen in the possibility of having a September baby, as we have so many September birthdays in our family. I had visions of surprising my parents with the happy news that there would be another September birthday to look forward to.

But with the setbacks we’ve experienced, September has most likely slipped away. So now I’m looking forward to October. It doesn’t hold the same magic to me as the month of September does, and it’s that much farther away from our original June due date, but I’ll take it. I really am trying very hard to be patient. I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I keep reminding myself that we’ll get our baby when we’re supposed to, whether that’s October, November… or beyond. But it’s hard. It’s hard not to look at the calendar and see where we should be, and then realize that we’re back to square one. No, we’re behind square one, since we’re still waiting to begin.

Did I mention I’m impatient?

celebs & pop culture, loss, musings

Shut up, Kourtney Kardashian.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Yes, I know the title of my blog is a play on the reality show about the Kardashians, but that doesn’t mean I actually like any of them. I think they’re all obnoxious, self-centered and whiny. But a quote I read yesterday from Kourtney just sealed the deal. Apparently, Kourtney is nine weeks pregnant with baby number two by that d-bag Scott. And she thought nine weeks was a great time to announce it to the world. But what about waiting until the second trimester to announce like most people do? In her words:

“You’re supposed to wait until 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident.”

Oh I see… so confidence would have kept my baby alive? Good to know for next time. Maybe I’m over-sensitive these days, but comments like this just seem like a slap to the face for people who have suffered a loss.

Now, I wouldn’t wish the pain I’ve been through on my worst enemy, so I truly hope she has a healthy pregnancy and baby. But could you even imagine how that fame-seeking family would exploit a miscarriage? Disgusting.

(Image via eonline.com)

friends & family, house, loss, musings

Giving thanks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

My earlier worries turned out to be unfounded, and I had a wonderful time with family at Thanksgiving. Truly a relief, and just what I needed after all the emotional turmoil we’ve been through these last few weeks. I think accepting a drink early in the day helped subtly establish right away that I was clearly not pregnant, which effectively squashed any questions before they could start. I did worry that someone would ask a seemingly innocent question about our plans for starting a family, but thankfully, the topic didn’t come up. Instead, we had a wonderful time, full of great food, games with the family and laughing to the point of tears on more than one occasion. I can’t even describe how good it felt to cry from laughter instead of sadness.

Today we had D’s dad and step-mom over for dinner. It was a bittersweet day, since we had originally invited them over with the intention of telling them about the pregnancy. We had told them we wanted them to see all the work we’ve done on the house. After losing the baby, we didn’t want to rescind the invitation, so we had to get through today with a smile, all the while painfully aware of what this day was supposed to have been. Despite this, we did have a very nice time with them, and it really was fun to show them everything we’ve done on the house.

Tomorrow is Apple Cup – another day that should be fun, but will carry with it the burden that it should have been more, because it’s the day we had planned to tell our friends about the pregnancy. I even bought a t-shirt that says “Future Coug” with an arrow pointing to the belly. Instead of wearing that shirt tomorrow, it will remain at the bottom of a drawer until who knows when. I know tomorrow will be a lot of fun, but I also know a part of me will be a little sad at the same time.

I suppose one of the downfalls of being such a planner is that when things don’t work out as I had planned, certain would-be milestones – like when we had planned to tell people – just become painful reminders of our loss. But despite the horrific past few weeks we’ve had, these past couple days have made me realize we truly do have much to be thankful for. I love my family. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and has been my rock through this whole ordeal. We have a home that we’ve worked hard to make something we can be proud of. And we have great friends who will undoubtedly make tomorrow a memorable day – even if it’s not the memory I had planned.

friends & family, loss

Happy Thanksgiving.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

Usually I love this holiday, but this year I’m dreading it. Don’t get me wrong – I am very excited to see my family, especially my dad, whom I haven’t seen in almost two months. But tomorrow was supposed to be the day we told our family that I’m pregnant. I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell them about the loss yet, which is strange, since I tell my mom everything. But telling them about the loss would require telling them I was pregnant in the first place – something we had been saving until we had the opportunity to tell them both together in person… which would have been Thanksgiving. This day has just been so built up and now that it’s almost here, it’s such a painful reminder of the baby that will never be.

So, tomorrow is going to be difficult. A big part of me wants to wait until we have good news to share before we tell them about the loss. But I let something slip about a month ago to my mom that I think raised her suspicions about the possibility that we might be pregnant or at least in the process of trying. I honestly don’t know how I’ll react if she says anything tomorrow. Some days I surprise myself with the strength to put on a smile and pretend like nothing’s wrong. Other days I break down in tears over the most seemingly insignificant things (choking back tears as I type this). D really doesn’t want to talk about it tomorrow because he doesn’t want it to overshadow the whole day; we don’t get to see both of my parents very often and holidays should be happy times. I agree with him… I just hope I can hold it together tomorrow.

health & body, loss, planning, TTC after loss

Looking forward.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

As much as our loss still hurts, I’m finding what helps me the most is looking forward to the prospect of trying again. I won’t lie, a huge part of me is terrified of miscarrying again. But I have to keep reminding myself of what my doctor said: that we have an 80% chance of going on to have a healthy pregnancy this next time. It’s also helpful to remind myself that our friends had a similar type of loss, and went on to have a beautiful, healthy baby this past September.

Since I’m an obsessive planner by nature, I even went as far as to figure out approximate milestone dates if we’re lucky enough to conceive on the first try again this time. With any luck, my period should arrive in about 4 weeks, after which point the doctor gave us the green light to start trying again. That means I could ovulate around Christmas, and have a positive test by D’s birthday in early January. That would give us a September baby – and there is certainly something to be said about September birthdays on my side of the family. I know it’s wishful thinking… who knows if my cycle will be regular, and who knows if getting pregnant will be as easy this time around? Even if it is, who’s to say this next one won’t end in heartbreak as well? But you know what? Thinking about the future makes me happy, and that’s something I haven’t felt in almost two weeks now.

health & body, loss, pregnancy

It’s over.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I had my D&C yesterday.

After finding out last week that our baby had stopped developing a week prior and had no heartbeat, we were given three options: wait for miscarriage to happen naturally, take a pill to induce miscarriage, or go in for a dilation and curettage (D&C). I immediately ruled out the pill-induced miscarriage, as I have heard that it’s pretty intense and painful, and people sometimes end up not passing everything and needing an emergency D&C, anyway. My doctor recommended waiting to see if my body would miscarry naturally which she said could happen in a few days or a few weeks. The D&C was definitely an option, too, but carries a small risk of creating scar tissue, which is the only reason she recommended waiting it out first. She told us to go home and think it over. By the end of the day I had decided that I would give my body one week to do its thing. If I didn’t miscarry on my own by the following Monday, I would go in for a D&C. I just couldn’t wait forever and needed to begin to move on so I could heal emotionally and physically.

All last week, I had no signs of miscarrying on my own. No cramping, no bleeding, and I was still having many of my pregnancy symptoms, which were painful reminders of the baby that would never be. To be honest, I was relieved when yesterday’s appointment arrived.

The procedure itself was very easy, all things considered. We got to the hospital around 6 a.m. and were the first ones in the operating room at 7:30. I drifted off to sleep easily and woke up from surgery around 8 a.m., feeling no pain. Realizing it was truly over, though, I immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. It was an incredibly emotional experience, but at the same time, it came with a sense of healing – not unlike the intense mourning and closure you feel at a funeral. Physically, I feel fine now. A little tired and crampy, but not any worse than normal period cramps. I’m bleeding some, but not as much as I expected. I took yesterday and today off from work to give myself some time to recover physically and emotionally, but I anticipate being able to return tomorrow with no problems.

At this point, I’m looking forward to moving on. The doctor gave us the clear to begin trying again after my period resumes, which should be 4 or 5 weeks from now. I started taking my temperature again this morning to track ovulation, since we’ll need to avoid conceiving this cycle. My temperature was 98.13, which is still on the high side, which means my progesterone is probably still elevated. I’m honestly looking forward to feeling non-pregnant again, which I hope will also help with the process of moving on. As of now, I still get nauseated from time to time, my boobs are still sore, and I’m still waking up multiple times per night to pee. It’s recommended to track the decline of your hormones via pregnancy tests, but I think I’ll hold off on checking one for at least a couple weeks. I think seeing a positive pregnancy test would be too emotional at this point. I’d much rather the next time I see a positive pregnancy test to be because of a baby I’m going to have, not one I lost.

As much as I am trying to look forward to moving on, I know the baby we lost will always be a part of us. Since we got married, D and I have kept a tradition, where each Christmas we get an ornament to commemorate something that most defined that year (our wedding, adopting our dog, buying our house, etc.) I came across this ornament the other day, and ordered it right away, as it’s so fitting. As much as I hate that this tragedy is the biggest event of our year, I do want to always remember our first baby, as he/she will forever be a part of us. I just hope next year’s ornament is to commemorate our first take home baby.

health & body, loss, pregnancy

Tied together with a smile when you’re coming undone…

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Today a coworker told me that he and his wife are expecting a baby just 5 days after what was supposed to be our due date and it took everything in me to smile and say congratulations, while I felt like bursting into tears.

You see, we had our ultrasound on Monday and it didn’t go well.

After spending nearly an hour with the nurse practitioner doing a basic pelvic exam, going over family history and answering basic questions, we finally got to go to the ultrasound room where we were supposed to get to see our baby and hear the heartbeat. I remember the nurse practitioner congratulating us as she handed us off to the doctor and D saying something to me about how they should wait until after the ultrasound to congratulate us so we know everything is fine. I know he was joking (he does this when he’s nervous or uncomfortable), and I told him to shut up (playfully), as I was already nervous enough. But to make myself feel better, I reminded him that during the pelvic exam, the NP had commented on how I definitely felt like I had an “8-week uterus.”

The doctor came in and began the internal ultrasound, and right away I knew something was wrong, by the way she was frowning and staring at the screen. Finally, she told us it didn’t look like a viable pregnancy, but that she wanted to send us down to the actual ultrasound lab, as their equipment is more precise. As soon as she left the room, I burst into tears. It was the worst feeling.

We had to wait about 45 minutes to get into the ultrasound lab, so D and I went down to Starbucks since I needed to have a full bladder, anyway. I swear, there were babies and strollers everywhere, which was too much to take. I was starting to tear up again, so we decided to just go wait it out in the ultrasound waiting room… which, of course, was full of pregnant, happy couples. It was just miserable. Finally, we were called back, where they did both an external and an internal ultrasound, and the radiologist confirmed what my doctor had suspected. While the sac and my uterus were both measuring right on track at 8 weeks, the baby appeared to have stopped developing about a week prior, and there was no heartbeat. They also said there was some bleeding within the sac.

So then, we had to go back up to the doctor’s office to discuss next steps. She reassured us it was nothing we did or could have prevented, but that it was likely a chromosomal abnormality or other defect, and that it was essentially nature’s way of stopping something that wasn’t viable. She outlined our options (wait for miscarriage to happen naturally, take a pill to induce miscarriage, or schedule a dilation & curettage), discussed the pros and cons to each, and told us to go home and think about it. As of now, I have a D&C scheduled for next Monday, unless I miscarry naturally on my own before then.

This is truly the most emotionally painful thing I’ve ever been through, and it’s been really hard on us both. We’re so heartbroken, and it’s such a letdown from the sheer excitement we were feeling just a short time ago. To make matters worse, I still feel pregnant. I was still throwing up as recently as yesterday morning. The doctor said my hormones are still elevated and may be for a while.

I am glad that we held off on telling people. As hard as it is to put on a smile at work and pretend that nothing’s wrong, I think it would have been so much harder to have to tell everyone the bad news and relive it over and over again each time. I’m also so thankful I decided to take the entire day off work on Monday. Originally, I was just going to come in late, but decided to take the entire day, “just in case it was bad news.” There is absolutely no way I would have been able to go into the office that day – not to mention, what was supposed to be an hour-and-a-half long appointment turned into over 3 hours.

I honestly don’t know when we’ll try again. Part of me wants to as soon as we’re given the all-clear from the doctor. Another part of me feels like we need more time to grieve, and am totally overwhelmed with the emotional roller-coaster that trying itself is. Even though we conceived quickly last time, there is a big part of me that wonders if it was just a fluke. Or worse, if this miscarriage is the first of many to come and further complications down the road. The doctor seems to think this was just an anomaly and said we have about an 80% chance of having a successful pregnancy next time. She said they don’t get too concerned about miscarriages until you’ve had three in a row. While this is encouraging, I can’t help but fear the worst… what if this is the first of three or more?

It’s a terrifying thought, and all-consuming. I am thankful that this week has been busy at work to at least attempt to keep my mind off things, but during any down time, my mind starts to wander again, and I find myself struggling to keep back tears and forcing myself to smile.

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

Week 8 update:

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Week 8

How big is baby? The size of a raspberry (or kidney bean, depending on which website you’re looking at)

Milestones this week: This week, baby is growing fingers and toes (just last week he/she grew arms and legs). Baby is also growing eyelids, which nearly cover its eyes by now, and its “tail” is just about gone. What’s super exciting is that the baby should be moving a lot this week, even though I won’t feel it for another couple months (hopefully we’ll get to see it on the ultrasound Monday, though!).

Symptoms: Getting more and more bloated. I can’t wait until it’s actually a baby bump and not this “blump” nonsense. You may notice, I’m wearing different pants in this week’s photo than in previous ones. I had planned to wear the same outfit for all of my weekly pictures, but my black yoga pants were already getting kind of tight, so I decided to switch to a pair that have a better shot of lasting me for a while longer! Interestingly, I’m still down a couple pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. So while I’m eating more and looking pudgier around the middle, I’m not actually gaining any weight. Seems odd, but I’m not complaining. There’s plenty of time for weight gain.

I’m still trying to be smart about what I eat, but every once in a while (two weekends in a row), Taco Time just sounds really good! Still having aversions to sweets, besides fruit/yogurt. Loving: celery and peanut butter, cheese and pickles, tomatoes and mozzarella, vegetables of any kind. Nausea inducers still include walking and dog food, as well as opening the refrigerator or taking out the garbage. Oh, and an empty stomach. I’ve been throwing up nearly every morning, when I don’t actually have anything in my stomach to throw up. Threw up at work just once, but luckily I was already in the restroom when it came on suddenly. I’ve been keeping saltines in my desk and snacking on those throughout the day, which seems to help some. Unfortunately, the candied ginger I bought in the beginning completely repulses me now. Too bad, since ginger is supposed to be a natural anti-nauseate.

What I miss: Honestly, not a lot at this point, except maybe some of my wardrobe I’ve had to retire already. But for the most part, I’m not looking back so much as I am looking forward. Which brings me to…

What I’m looking forward to: Monday. MondayMondayMondayMonday. Our first appointment and ultrasound is MONDAY. Just two days away. I’m so nervous, scared and excited, all at the same time. Mostly excited. I can’t wait to finally see our little nugget and see the heartbeat and feel some reassurance that everything is fine.

Other stuff: 19 days until we tell my parents on Thanksgiving. After that we will tell D’s parents, our friends and then I’ll tell work the next week after I’ve had my second ultrasound. By December, the cat should be fully out of the bag!

health & body, pregnancy

Secret squirrel.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Long before we even talked about having a baby, I knew that if/when I eventually became pregnant, not drinking was going to be the hardest part about keeping the pregnancy a secret through the first trimester. Let’s face it, I am not one to turn down a drink. Unfortunately, most social and work events include – or even revolve around – alcohol, it seems. Throw in the fact that D and I are in our early 30s and have been married for several years, and I feel like I’ve been on a perpetual “bump watch” with friends and family for some time now. Suffice to say, trying to sneak one by people would be pretty hard.

As soon as we got our positive pregnancy test, D and I agreed we wouldn’t tell people for a while, just because there are so many risks in the beginning and we didn’t want to have to “untell” everyone if something went wrong. Not to mention, I won’t have the chance to see both of my parents together in person until Thanksgiving and they should be some of the first to know.

Unfortunately, after a quick look at my calendar for October, I immediately realized this could be harder than I thought. October was jam-packed with events. While keeping the secret was a little bit stressful at first, I’m now sort of starting to enjoy the challenge in seeing how creative I can get in not drawing attention to the fact that I’m not drinking. I’m sure when I finally do spill the beans, someone is going to ask how far along I am, count back on their fingers, and say, “Hey, wait a minute, weren’t you drinking at ____?” Nope. Fooled you.

Challenge #1: Kelly’s birthday. Just two days after we found out we were pregnant, my friend Kelly was having a get together at a bar to celebrate her birthday. This bar only serves beer and wine, so I couldn’t even use the tried and true mocktail fallback. I did, however, discover that the bar sells non-alcoholic beer. I ordered directly from the bar and had them put it in a glass for me and no one was the wiser. The only hiccup I encountered was when someone asked me what I was drinking and I said, “Some kind of lager, I think? The bartender recommended it but I can’t remember what it was called.” Secret Score: A- (minus for claiming to not know what I was drinking, which was a lame excuse).

Challenge #2: Work conference with cocktail reception. A few days later, I had a conference to attend, which included a cocktail reception at the end of the day. I opted to just skip the reception portion, claiming that I had to get home to let the dogs out. Secret Score: B (minus for lying).

Challenge #3: Girls’ get together. The following weekend, a bunch of us went up north to see our friend and her new baby. I knew there would be drinks, and sure enough, it didn’t take long before the mimosas came out. I took a small sip but then put it down. I was coming down with a cold at the time, so I’m sure everyone assumed I didn’t drink because of that, and they didn’t ask if there was another reason. Knowing my friends, they totally would have asked if they had suspected anything. I got invited to go watch the Cougar game with them afterward, but declined that due to not feeling well (which was the truth). Secret Score: B (Even sick, I normally probably would have had some champagne and toughed it out to go watch the game after).

Challenge #4: Sounders’ game. The following Tuesday, we went to the Sounders’ game with my brother and sister-in-law, and two other friends. We had people over for drinks and BBQ before the game. D filled an empty beer bottle with water for me to carry around and drink. Once we got to the game, D got us each a beer, but I just held mine while he drank his, and every now and then we’d switch so mine wasn’t constantly full. I was designated driver, so I only “had one beer” at the game, anyway, and no one thought it was weird when I switched to water after halftime. Secret Score: A.

Challenge #5: Anniversary gift from boss. The day after the Sounders game, my boss and another coworker surprised me with a bottle of wine and some chocolates for my one-year anniversary with the company. I graciously accepted them and said thanks, but then he said if I wanted to open it later and share with the team, that would be fine. I panicked and mumbled something about how we’ll see how the day goes and then I just didn’t bring it up for the rest of the day. Yeah, it’s still sitting on my desk. The chocolates too, since I can’t stomach anything sweet right now. Secret Score: C-.

Challenge #6: Baby shower. The following Saturday, I had a baby shower to attend. I carpooled with two other friends since it was about an hour away and I also offered to drive. Once we got to the baby shower, there was (alcoholic) punch, mimosas and a self-serve Bloody Mary bar. Bloody Mary, minus the vodka? Don’t mind if I do! Bonus: got some healthy veggies in there too! I had two of those and then switched to water (I was driving, after all!). One friend even came up with a “drinking game” where we had to take a sip every time someone said “awww” or “how soft!” during gift opening. Man, that was some good tomato juice. 😉 Perhaps the best testament to my secret keeping is the fact that D had told one of his friends about the pregnancy, and that friend’s wife was at the shower. I didn’t know whether she knew, so neither of us said anything, but she mentioned to her husband that I was drinking, and he said something to D. Ha! I even threw off someone who was in on the secret. Secret Score: A+.

Challenge #7: Work function (at a bar). Just last week, there was another networking event to attend for work. I offered to drive another coworker (he and I live in the same area and he usually drives for work events, so I told him it was time to return the favor). We went out for a bite to eat beforehand and he ordered a glass of wine. Crap. I ordered water and claimed I was a lightweight and saving up my drinking for the actual event, since I was driving. Once we got to the event, I ordered a vodka soda (coworker was right behind me so I couldn’t get away with ordering something nonalcoholic) and then a few minutes later, excused myself to the restroom, left my drink in there, and ordered a regular club soda with lime from the other end of the bar before joining up with my coworker again in talking to some people. Isn’t it nice how much a club soda with lime looks like a vodka soda when you put it in a short glass? Secret Score: A- (minus for the lame excuse at dinner ahead of time).

Challenge #8: Halloween. Last weekend our friends threw their annual Halloween party. Similar to our Sounders’ game tactic, D and I each got a beer and I held mine while he drank his, and then we switched off every now and then so mine wouldn’t always be full. And of course, I was driving, so I could only have a couple, anyway. Secret Score: A.

Challenge #9: Post-game drinks. We’re doing a flag football league and had a game last Sunday, the day after the Halloween party. We always go out for beer and nachos at a nearby bar after every game. I poured myself a beer but sat next to D and kept my glass very close to his. Sometimes he reached for his and sometimes he reached for mine. Either way, he drank two and I drank none, and no one was the wiser. Secret Score: A.

So, October was mostly a success, but I’m not out of the woods yet. We still have 3 weeks to go before we plan to tell friends and family, and 4 weeks until I plan to tell work. I still could be outed at an upcoming event. In particular, I’m worried about a sit-down dinner I have to go to for work in two weeks. Not being able to order from the bar on my own will make things tricky. I think so far my plan is to go ahead and order a glass of wine, but just not drink it. Hopefully there will be enough on the table and enough conversation happening that no one will be paying close attention to whether or not my glass is emptying. If someone does say something, maybe I’ll just say I wasn’t crazy about their wine selection or something. Who knows. At least by that point, we’ll be past our first ultrasound, so the chances of something going wrong will be dramatically decreased, and we’ll be just 2 weeks away from spilling the beans altogether. I doubt anyone at work would outright ask me, but if they secretly get suspicious, I won’t be too worried about it at that point.

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

Week 7 update:

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Happy Halloween! I’m a day late on my weekly Saturday updates, but here I am, 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Just one more week until our appointment and it cannot come soon enough!

Week 7

How big is baby? The size of a blueberry.

Milestones this week: This week, baby is starting to grow hands and feet! It still has a tail, but that’s about to start getting smaller, while everything else gets bigger – in fact, the baby has doubled in size just since last week!

Symptoms: On a scary note, some more spotting early last week. There wasn’t a lot of it, and it wasn’t bright red – both signs of something more troubling – but it’s enough to make me worry. As I mentioned earlier, our appointment cannot come soon enough. I just want to know that everything is fine, our baby is growing as it should and that its little heart is beating strong. Chances of miscarriage go down dramatically after seeing the heartbeat, though I have a feeling I won’t totally relax until he or she is here. And then, of course, I enter a whole new realm of worry. I suppose I should start getting used to it! Welcome to motherhood, right?

Other than that, I’m still feeling queasy off and on throughout the day, sometimes worse than others. And my boobs are killing me still, sometimes worse than others. I’ve had to start sleeping with a body pillow to keep me totally on my side, since I’m used to sleeping sort of three quarters on my side/stomach, and that’s just not comfortable anymore. Unfortunately the body pillow takes up a lot of room in the bed and it’s feeling kind of crowded in there already. I can only imagine how crowded it will feel once I have a giant belly. Time to upgrade to a king size bed, perhaps?

What I miss: I still miss being honest with people, but I’m almost starting to have fun with the secret now – particularly the thrill of getting away with being sneaky about not drinking! It’s something that stressed me out a lot in the beginning because I was sure it would blow my cover, but now I’m sort of proud at how creative I’ve gotten with hiding it. So for now, I don’t miss a whole lot. I guess I sort of miss feeling normal and like myself, but every wave of nausea or bout of fatigue just reminds me of the baby I’m growing. So for now I’d say I’m pretty content.

What I’m looking forward to: The appointment, the appointment, the appointment! I’m also looking forward to having a real baby bump, instead of this “blump” I have going on now (bloat). I just look chubby right now.

Other stuff: Went to a Halloween party last night as Mia Wallace and Vince Vega from Pulp Fiction. The costumes were a hit and I don’t think anyone noticed I wasn’t drinking. I went ahead and got a cup of beer from the keg but just carried it around with me the whole night and D took sips from it every now and then so it wasn’t full the whole time. And then of course, as the night wore on, I had the excuse of being the designated driver, so it wasn’t strange for me to quit drinking earlier in the night. On the way home, I got a horrible case of “morning sickness” (the dumbest name ever, by the way, since it can strike any time of the day). Almost had to pull the car over and puke, but I made it home. I can only imagine how THAT would have looked – puking out the driver’s side of the car in a Halloween costume. No, officer, I swear I haven’t been drinking!