friends & family, loss

Happy Thanksgiving.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

Usually I love this holiday, but this year I’m dreading it. Don’t get me wrong – I am very excited to see my family, especially my dad, whom I haven’t seen in almost two months. But tomorrow was supposed to be the day we told our family that I’m pregnant. I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell them about the loss yet, which is strange, since I tell my mom everything. But telling them about the loss would require telling them I was pregnant in the first place – something we had been saving until we had the opportunity to tell them both together in person… which would have been Thanksgiving. This day has just been so built up and now that it’s almost here, it’s such a painful reminder of the baby that will never be.

So, tomorrow is going to be difficult. A big part of me wants to wait until we have good news to share before we tell them about the loss. But I let something slip about a month ago to my mom that I think raised her suspicions about the possibility that we might be pregnant or at least in the process of trying. I honestly don’t know how I’ll react if she says anything tomorrow. Some days I surprise myself with the strength to put on a smile and pretend like nothing’s wrong. Other days I break down in tears over the most seemingly insignificant things (choking back tears as I type this). D really doesn’t want to talk about it tomorrow because he doesn’t want it to overshadow the whole day; we don’t get to see both of my parents very often and holidays should be happy times. I agree with him… I just hope I can hold it together tomorrow.

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