health & body, loss, musings, TTC after loss

Patience, grasshoper.

If I had to pick one word to describe myself, let’s just say “patient” wouldn’t be the first thing that comes to mind.

In addition to being the most heartbreaking and emotionally draining thing we’ve ever been through, this whole process has been a huge test of patience for me. You see, when I get it in my head that I want something, now isn’t soon enough. So when we decided we were ready to try for a baby, waiting to get a positive pregnancy test seemed to take forever. Once we finally saw those two magical lines, waiting for that first 8 week appointment and ultrasound took an eternity. And when we got that bad news, I waited one week to miscarry on my own before getting a D&C just to get it over with.

That surgery should have represented the beginning of the healing process for us. We would still have to wait approximately one month for my period to return, but after that we could begin trying again. As devastated as I was over the loss of our baby, I knew I wanted to be a mother, and the prospect of trying again was the only thing that kept me sane some days. If I could just get through this month of waiting, things would surely start to look up.

But things didn’t go as smoothly as they should have. Instead having some mild bleeding post-surgery that disappeared after a few days, the bleeding didn’t go away… in fact, it began to get heavier. When two weeks went by and the bleeding wasn’t ceasing, I called the doctor, and found out that sometimes they don’t get everything with the D&C, and I was likely bleeding because my body was trying to expel what was left behind. I waited for another week to see if my body would take care of it on its own before going into the doctor’s office, where they performed a procedure to attempt to manually suction out the contents of my uterus. One of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced in my life. She then sent me home with a prescription for Methergine, which would make my uterus contract and expel anything that was left. That was one week ago, and besides some very mild occasional spotting, the bleeding seems to be finally done… 32 days later.

Thirty-two days. By now I should have already gone through one cycle of waiting and we should be on our way to trying again. But I’m still getting a very faint positive pregnancy test, which means the pregnancy hormones have yet to completely leave my system. I have to wait for my hormones to drop before I can ovulate, after which point I have to wait approximately two weeks for my period to arrive. We can’t start trying again until after I get my period, and even then, I will have to wait about two more weeks to ovulate, and then wait two more weeks after that until I can take a pregnancy test. If it’s negative, the waiting game just got extended by another month. When will this end? When will we get our baby?

In a previous post I was optimistic about the future, and even thought there could be a good omen in the possibility of having a September baby, as we have so many September birthdays in our family. I had visions of surprising my parents with the happy news that there would be another September birthday to look forward to.

But with the setbacks we’ve experienced, September has most likely slipped away. So now I’m looking forward to October. It doesn’t hold the same magic to me as the month of September does, and it’s that much farther away from our original June due date, but I’ll take it. I really am trying very hard to be patient. I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I keep reminding myself that we’ll get our baby when we’re supposed to, whether that’s October, November… or beyond. But it’s hard. It’s hard not to look at the calendar and see where we should be, and then realize that we’re back to square one. No, we’re behind square one, since we’re still waiting to begin.

Did I mention I’m impatient?

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