friends & family, house, loss, musings

Giving thanks.

My earlier worries turned out to be unfounded, and I had a wonderful time with family at Thanksgiving. Truly a relief, and just what I needed after all the emotional turmoil we’ve been through these last few weeks. I think accepting a drink early in the day helped subtly establish right away that I was clearly not pregnant, which effectively squashed any questions before they could start. I did worry that someone would ask a seemingly innocent question about our plans for starting a family, but thankfully, the topic didn’t come up. Instead, we had a wonderful time, full of great food, games with the family and laughing to the point of tears on more than one occasion. I can’t even describe how good it felt to cry from laughter instead of sadness.

Today we had D’s dad and step-mom over for dinner. It was a bittersweet day, since we had originally invited them over with the intention of telling them about the pregnancy. We had told them we wanted them to see all the work we’ve done on the house. After losing the baby, we didn’t want to rescind the invitation, so we had to get through today with a smile, all the while painfully aware of what this day was supposed to have been. Despite this, we did have a very nice time with them, and it really was fun to show them everything we’ve done on the house.

Tomorrow is Apple Cup – another day that should be fun, but will carry with it the burden that it should have been more, because it’s the day we had planned to tell our friends about the pregnancy. I even bought a t-shirt that says “Future Coug” with an arrow pointing to the belly. Instead of wearing that shirt tomorrow, it will remain at the bottom of a drawer until who knows when. I know tomorrow will be a lot of fun, but I also know a part of me will be a little sad at the same time.

I suppose one of the downfalls of being such a planner is that when things don’t work out as I had planned, certain would-be milestones – like when we had planned to tell people – just become painful reminders of our loss. But despite the horrific past few weeks we’ve had, these past couple days have made me realize we truly do have much to be thankful for. I love my family. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and has been my rock through this whole ordeal. We have a home that we’ve worked hard to make something we can be proud of. And we have great friends who will undoubtedly make tomorrow a memorable day – even if it’s not the memory I had planned.

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