Author: Keeping up with the Hoffmans

health & body, loss, planning, TTC after loss

Taking charge.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I was soooo sure this month was it. But it’s not.

I’ll admit, I’m taking it pretty hard. Why was it so easy to get pregnant the first time, and now it’s not? I know 4 months isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things, and is still in the realm of normal, but we’ve had great timing each month, I know I’m ovulating, and I know since we’re capable of getting pregnant that there’s no reason to believe there’s anything wrong with D’s swimmers. So what’s the hold up?

I decided to give my doctor a call to see what she thinks. She pretty much confirmed what I suspected – that 4 months isn’t anything to worry about. But she did say she wants to see me if we aren’t pregnant in two more months, and to go ahead and make an appointment (I can always cancel if we get pregnant before then). This makes me feel a little better. At least I feel like we have a plan of action and we’re not just sitting around until September (a year from when we originally started trying) or November (when we had our loss). I know most doctors make you try for a year before they start doing any testing, and I’m not sure whether that year starts from when you originally started trying, or if the calendar resets after a loss. Either way, it’s not like I’m expecting my doctor to do extensive testing or anything after six months, but hopefully she can at least rule out any complications from the miscarriage or the D&C as culprits.

In the meantime, I’ve set up an appointment with my general doctor for a regular whole body physical, just to make sure I’m healthy otherwise. I know I tested low for Vitamin D a couple years ago and never got my levels re-checked after starting treatment. There has been some research linking low levels of Vitamin D to miscarriage, so this is definitely something I want to rule out. I’m also a little concerned about hypothyroidism after reading something about low temperatures being linked to it. Not that I’m looking for problems (though I’ll be the first to admit I can be a bit of a hypochondriac), but I think if nothing else, it would be good for my peace of mind to know that I’m healthy and that there’s nothing going on with my body that’s keeping me from getting or staying pregnant.

So I have my general physical scheduled for June 4 – a little over a week away, and then a little over two months until my OB appointment on August 2. With any luck, I don’t even end up needing my appointment with my OB. But at least I feel like I’m being proactive and taking charge in the meantime.

health & body, TTC after loss

It’s baaaack…

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Yep, it’s the mind fetus again (as mentioned here and here).

This time it’s more convincing than ever, and it’s taking me every ounce of willpower not to take a test, but it’s still probably too early so I am hoping to wait a few more days. So what’s so different about this time? First of all, I woke up this morning around 5:30 a.m. completely STARVING. I’m never hungry in the mornings, though when I was pregnant, I was hungry every time I woke up. Then, I got up and when I went to feed the dogs, I started gagging and dry heaving from the smell of dog food. Again, only time that’s ever happened was last time I was pregnant! Oh, and to top it off, once I got into the office, I just could not make myself drink my coffee – it just sounded really terrible to me. Another thing that’s only happened to me during pregnancy.

Argh. I’m driving myself crazy. I’m only about 8 or 9 days past ovulation, which is still probably too early to test, and if it’s too early to test, it’s too early to be having symptoms. Did you hear that, self? If it’s too early to test, it’s too early to be having symptoms. Yet, I can’t just ignore what I’m feeling, because it’s very real. On the other hand, the mind is a powerful thing, and I’m sure it’s possible that on some subconscious level, I could be willing myself into these symptoms just because I want to be pregnant again so badly.

Needless to say, time will be crawling by until next Wednesday, which is the date I’m aiming to hold off on testing for. 5 more days. Can I do this?

friends & family, loss, TTC after loss

Thank you for being a friend…

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Do you have the Golden Girls theme song going around your head now? You’re welcome.

So, one of my good friends is due in July and I’m helping plan her baby shower this weekend. I’ve actually been handling it pretty well until very recently. I just remembered that I volunteered to take care of games, which includes decorating onesies, and just the thought of going into Target and buying onesies made me start crying at work. I’d probably end up a sobbing mess on the floor of the store if I actually had to do it. So I emailed my friend who’s co-planning the shower with me and explained that between Mother’s Day and our upcoming due date that I haven’t been in a good place lately, and asked her if she’d mind getting the onesies. I also told her I may have to step back this weekend and may need an easy exit strategy during gift opening. My pregnant friend also knows about our loss, and while I know she’d be understanding if I broke down on Saturday, the last thing I want to do is spoil her day. I hope I can hold it together.

I never quite know how friends and family will react when I talk to them about our loss and how I’m doing. I had one friend imply that I should be “over it” by now when we were only about two weeks past our D&C. I don’t think she meant any harm by it, but simply put, if you haven’t been there, it’s hard to empathize with just how emotionally scarring pregnancy loss is. Only my parents and a small handful of friends know what we’ve been through, and while most have been supportive, they don’t always say the right thing.

But this friend immediately replied back, telling me not to think twice about it. She empathized with how hard this must be for me and that she absolutely understands if I need to step away from everything for a bit on Saturday. She told me she’s there for me if I need dinner, drinks or a walk to talk about things, and that she knows that D and I will have a healthy, beautiful baby when the time is right and that all the “aunties” who will be at the shower on Saturday will love this baby and be at my shower too.

Her email brought me to tears. I am so thankful to have good friends in my life.

loss, musings, TTC after loss

D-Day.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

A few days ago I got an email, titled “Week 34 of your Pregnancy.”

Ouch.

I must have gotten on some mailing list a while back, and clearly they didn’t get the memo that I am in fact NOT pregnant anymore.

34 weeks. I should be huge right now. Uncomfortable. Swollen ankles. Unable to sleep. Just ready to get this baby out of me already. (sigh) That sounds wonderful. Instead, I’m coming up on another ovulation soon and hoping that just maybe this will finally be our cycle. Because if it isn’t, I won’t be pregnant when our original June 15 due date rolls around. (Well, theoretically we could conceive just a few days beforehand, but there would be no way we’d knowingly be pregnant when D-day arrives.)

June 15. That date has been at the forefront of my thoughts for the past 7 months, ever since we got our positive test on October 6th. First it was a date I was looking forward to — this was to be our baby’s birthday! (or at least close to it). And then after we lost the baby, it was a date that was looming over me like a dark cloud on the horizon. I knew I would be sad when that day came around, but of course I would be pregnant again by then, so maybe by that time it would only be a bittersweet day. I’d be sad about the baby we lost, but that sorrow would be overshadowed by the excitement about the new baby I was carrying. And there would be a new date permeating my every thought.

But here I am, with June 15 just around the corner, and not pregnant yet.

While a big part of me feels like I NEED to get pregnant before then in order to physically survive the day, a small part of me just wants the date to get here already. Rip the band-aid off. I know that day will be hard on me, but perhaps the anticipation of the day is worse than the day itself? Maybe afterward I’ll feel less pressure and anxiety for it to happen by a certain time. I sort of went through similar emotions with trying to have a baby by the end of the calendar year, for insurance reasons. When we lost the baby in November, I figured we had until March to conceive and still have a 2012 baby. Easy peasy, right? We would start trying again in December, giving us a whole 4 months to get pregnant. We did it in the first month the first time, so how hard could it be? Well, then I had some complications from the miscarriage and we didn’t even get to start trying again until the end of January, shortening our window of opportunity. Still, I had hope. But the months went by and — nada. Interestingly, once I had resigned myself to the fact that we wouldn’t have a baby in 2012, I felt less pressure. If not for this looming due date, maybe I’d feel even less pressure? Who knows… What I do know is that time pressures or not, I do want to be pregnant again as soon as possible… and that’s something that won’t ever change.

health & body, TTC after loss

A better me.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

No dice. Again.

Even after all that mind fetus, it turned out to be just that… all in my mind.

It’s hard to take the disappointment month after month, especially since it was so easy the first time. I know we’ve only been at this for three cycles now post-loss, and the average time it takes a couple to conceive is six months, but the fact that it happened so easily the first time is what’s making this harder on me personally. I know what my body was capable of before, and for whatever reason it’s not cooperating now. Each month that passes us by makes me a little more worried that it might never happen at all. I know I’m premature in jumping to those conclusions, but still, I worry…

So this cycle I am vowing to try to worry less and to take care of myself a little more. I know I’m stressing about this, and while I absolutely HATE the advice to “just relax,” I do believe there’s some truth to stress and its interference with conception. I downloaded a series of meditation podcasts that are specifically geared toward those trying to conceive. It’s 15 minutes a day for 28 days, with each podcast geared toward where you are in your cycle. It’s more money than I would normally spend on “hippie witchcraft” as my dear husband so lovingly calls this sort of thing, but I’m willing to give it a shot. The upside is that after listening to the first introductory podcast this morning, I really DID feel relaxed, and even had the motivation to go to yoga later.

Speaking of yoga, I know I’ve made this vow a thousand times before, but I really DO hope to get to yoga more often over this next cycle. I’ve been so busy with our bathroom remodel that I haven’t had much free time at all, but the remodel should be wrapping up soon, and I really do find yoga both challenging and relaxing when I do go. The exercise component is good for me physically, and the meditation aspect of yoga really forces me to relax too. I also like how by pushing myself to become better in my yoga practice, I find myself inspired by what my body CAN do… instead of focusing on what it’s not doing right now.

Onto cycle #4…

health & body, house, TTC after loss

Hungry, hungry hippo.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I’m trying really hard not to give in to the mind fetus (as originally mentioned here), but alas, here I am in the two week-wait, ovar-analyzing every symptom again. The latest? A voracious appetite. I’ve seriously never experienced anything like this before – seemingly, I cannot get full, no matter what I eat!

Exhibit A: on Saturday after finishing tiling the bathroom floor, I helped myself to a very large piece of leftover lasagna. That alone would have been way more than enough to make me feel full before, but did I stop there? Nope. I immediately followed it with a second equally large piece. Hubby got home a while later and opened the refrigerator and asked where the lasagna was. Sheepishly, I admitted I finished it. He didn’t believe me. That’s how much there was! Of course, then he had to throw out an, “I’m not even mad – that’s amazing” (a la Ron Burgundy). The sad part is, I wasn’t even full.

Exhibit B: Then, last night, after finishing tiling the shower stall (yes, it was a full weekend of tiling goodness), D and I went out to dinner. I proceeded to finish my dinner and eat half of his. We got into the car and he said it hurt to sit down he was so full. Me? I could have kept eating!

Of course, it could have been ANYTHING causing this appetite change – from the hormonal supplements my doctor has me on to the fact that (hello!) I had just spent all weekend tiling and had probably worked up a decent appetite. But my mind naturally went back to the crazy appetite I had with last pregnancy. That was slightly different — back then, I didn’t eat a lot at a time, just got hungry every couple hours. Now, I seem to have a bottomless pit for a stomach. But still… I’d be lying if I said the thought didn’t cross my mind — along with the subsequent urge to go pee on a test. But I promised myself I wouldn’t test until tomorrow at the earliest. Tomorrow is our anniversary, and while I’ll only be 9 days post-ovulation (still pretty early to test), it would be so cool to be able to share that good news with D tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I’m also heading to Boston tomorrow for work, so getting a positive test means I’d have to somehow dodge the inevitable team cocktails. (Not that I’ve never had to fake or make an excuse for drinking before!). In all likelihood, even if I am knocked up this cycle, tomorrow will be too soon to tell. By going out of town (and purposefully not packing any pregnancy tests), I’ll force myself to at least wait until Thursday, which will be 11DPO. Still early for testing purposes, but much more likely to be accurate. In some ways I’m hoping tomorrow’s test is negative (but that I get a positive later this week). If I’m still testing negative I’ll feel okay with having a single glass of wine with coworkers, whereas I just couldn’t do it if I knew I was pregnant, even though logically I know it wouldn’t affect anything that early (you don’t even start sharing anything with the baby until around 6 weeks). Plus, we’re giving a pretty big presentation on Wednesday and I just know I’ll be totally distracted if I know I’m pregnant. If not for our anniversary, I would absolutely wait to test when I get back. But I want so badly to be able to give D this news for our anniversary. Not to mention, he definitely noticed the appetite thing and I’m sure he’s hoping that’s the reason too!

4/17 update: Negative test this morning, which was disappointing, but I know it’s still very early so I haven’t lost hope yet. On the upside, I was able to enjoy a guilt-free beer with my coworkers this evening in Boston. Interestingly, my boss also commented on how he was impressed with how much I was able to eat at dinner!  😐

health & body, loss, musings, TTC after loss

No dice.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Welp, cycle #2 of trying to conceive after our loss is a bust, and I’m having a really hard time with it. I know it’s normal for it not to happen so quickly — that it takes the average couple six months, and blah, blah, blah — but it doesn’t make it any easier. Especially since it did happen so quickly the first time around. I’d heard pregnancy changes your body, even if you don’t carry to term, and I’m definitely seeing evidence to support this (I’m getting new PMS symptoms I’ve never had before, while some of the old standbys are nonexistent), so I can’t help but wonder if one of these changes is that I’m simply less fertile than I was before? People keep saying, “at least you know you can get pregnant.” Correction: I know I could get pregnant before… who knows whether I can now? I know, it’s only been two cycles and I’m being dramatic. Hey, it’s what I do best. But I just can’t help my mind from wandering to worst case scenario, and I’m quickly learning that this time of the month — when I know it’s not happening this cycle — is always going to be a dark time for me. I’ll probably feel more optimistic in a week…

I just hate that as more time passes, I get more anxious and more depressed about the whole thing. I’m now realizing that if we don’t get pregnant within the next two cycles, I won’t be pregnant for our original due date in June, and I think I’ll simply break if that day comes and my uterus is still empty. I know this added stress doesn’t help any, but it’s not like there’s much I can do about it. Which reminds me of another thing I hate: people telling me to relax, and it’ll happen. Um, sure. I’ll just snap my fingers and relax. Why didn’t I think of that before? Can we please circulate a manual of what not to say to people in this situation? Because I’m pretty sure telling a woman with pregnancy/fertility issues to relax is about the most aggravating thing you can say.

Scratch that – the most aggravating thing someone has said to me, was last night when I told my acupuncturist that it was looking like this cycle was a bust and she responded with, “I’m glad.” Seriously?! I wanted to throat punch her. She has been trying to convince me since our loss to wait a few cycles before trying again, even though we got the green light from my doctor after one (very long) cycle. I had been very firm with her that we did not plan to wait any longer than M-E-D-I-C-A-L-L-Y necessary. While I do believe in the holistic benefits of acupuncture and have seen it help me in many ways, I think it should complement western medicine, not replace it, and in areas where there’s discrepancy, you’d better believe I’m going to side with my doctor. I know she means well, but professional opinions aside, who says that? Who tells a woman who is still grieving the loss of her baby and wants nothing more in this world to be pregnant again that it’s good that she hasn’t succeeded yet? I did tell her that her comment really upset me, and she apologized, but still… Thankfully, we’re on the same page regarding trying next cycle, otherwise I think I’d have to find a new acupuncturist. I just can’t be around people who can’t support me right now. I don’t need that added stress.

Wow, this post turned into a giant bitchfest. Well, onto cycle #3. Here’s hoping third time’s a charm…

celebs & pop culture, house, loss, songs, quotes & poems, TTC after loss

Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

This wasn’t our cycle. I am not pregnant.

I’ll admit, I took it really hard at first. Really hard. I know it was naive of me to think it could happen on the first try again, but a big part of me really hoped it would. After everything we’ve been through, I just want so badly to be pregnant again. It doesn’t help that it seems like everyone around me is pregnant. While I’m very happy for them all, it honestly just amplifies my pain.

I came across the above Elizabeth Taylor quote on Pinterest, and I’m really trying to keep some perspective. I’m reminded of the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte miscarries and is completely debilitated by her grief, unable to leave her living room, until she watches an E! True Hollywood Story about Elizabeth Taylor. Inspired by the way Elizabeth overcame adversity, Charlotte pulls herself off the couch, puts on a fabulous pink dress and a pair of dark sunglasses, and finds the strength to finally leave the house with her head held high.

I know it’s fiction, but I’m trying to channel this type of positive attitude. I’m willing myself to believe that it’s okay it didn’t happen on the first try; that it’s normal, in fact. I still hope it doesn’t take us a long time, but success on the first try isn’t typical and isn’t a standard I should hold myself to. I’m also trying really hard to remind myself that other people’s pregnancies have no bearing on my own fertility. Not to mention, I don’t know what they’ve been through to get there. Some of them may have suffered multiple losses or struggled through invasive fertility treatments, or been through even worse circumstances than we have.

In my quest to keep a positive outlook, I’m also reminding myself that we are in the middle of a very messy master bathroom addition, which has made me severely congested and has caused my asthma to really flare up. All this old dust and crap falling out of the attic and walls probably isn’t great for me to be inhaling anyway, but I know I would be extra-nervous if I were pregnant now. I just don’t think I could forgive myself if something were to happen again and I had any doubts about whether it was something I could have caused or prevented. So in the grand scheme of things, it’s probably better to get this bathroom project wrapped first. Not to mention it’ll be so nice to have the room complete when those middle of the night bathroom trips kick in again. With any luck, we should be done in the next couple weeks – just in time to start trying again!

Speaking of house stuff, we didn’t end up getting that house I was obsessed with. We went to see it and loved it — we even talked to a lender and got pre-approved, and were all set to make an offer when it was suddenly pulled off the market. Apparently an ex came out of the woodwork and didn’t agree with selling or something. The real estate agent said it could very likely come back on the market as a foreclosure, but there were already three offers ahead of ours, anyway. I’m disappointed, but the idea of trying to rush the bathroom remodel and find a renter, while juggling a complex bankruptcy purchase did make me a little nervous. We’re still looking, and at least now we know we can financially make it happen, so we’ll be ready to pounce when the next house comes along.

At some point, things should start falling into place… right?

loss, musings

I did not need to see that.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Here’s the thing. I can respect both sides of the abortion debate. While I wholeheartedly believe in a woman’s right to choose, I respect that some people are morally opposed. And while I could personally never do it, I don’t even pretend to know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes while having to make such a hard decision.

But my respect for the other side ceases when people use graphic photos to make their point. There have been photos circulating on Facebook and Pinterest from pro-lifers showing what a fetus looks like at various stages in the first trimester. Today I happened to stumble upon such a photo on Pinterest and I can honestly say it’s ruined my day. I immediately unfollowed that person.

As if I haven’t already grieved for my lost baby every day for the last three months, I did not need to be reminded of what my baby looked like when he or she was taken from me.

People should put more thought into how their actions might unintentionally hurt people.

loss, songs, quotes & poems

A better mother.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I came across this today and it brought tears to my eyes. Simply beautiful.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have sat by while my child was taken from me.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at my surviving miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking because of grief.
I will be happy because my baby is alive and crying out for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown