This wasn’t our cycle. I am not pregnant.
I’ll admit, I took it really hard at first. Really hard. I know it was naive of me to think it could happen on the first try again, but a big part of me really hoped it would. After everything we’ve been through, I just want so badly to be pregnant again. It doesn’t help that it seems like everyone around me is pregnant. While I’m very happy for them all, it honestly just amplifies my pain.
I came across the above Elizabeth Taylor quote on Pinterest, and I’m really trying to keep some perspective. I’m reminded of the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte miscarries and is completely debilitated by her grief, unable to leave her living room, until she watches an E! True Hollywood Story about Elizabeth Taylor. Inspired by the way Elizabeth overcame adversity, Charlotte pulls herself off the couch, puts on a fabulous pink dress and a pair of dark sunglasses, and finds the strength to finally leave the house with her head held high.
I know it’s fiction, but I’m trying to channel this type of positive attitude. I’m willing myself to believe that it’s okay it didn’t happen on the first try; that it’s normal, in fact. I still hope it doesn’t take us a long time, but success on the first try isn’t typical and isn’t a standard I should hold myself to. I’m also trying really hard to remind myself that other people’s pregnancies have no bearing on my own fertility. Not to mention, I don’t know what they’ve been through to get there. Some of them may have suffered multiple losses or struggled through invasive fertility treatments, or been through even worse circumstances than we have.
In my quest to keep a positive outlook, I’m also reminding myself that we are in the middle of a very messy master bathroom addition, which has made me severely congested and has caused my asthma to really flare up. All this old dust and crap falling out of the attic and walls probably isn’t great for me to be inhaling anyway, but I know I would be extra-nervous if I were pregnant now. I just don’t think I could forgive myself if something were to happen again and I had any doubts about whether it was something I could have caused or prevented. So in the grand scheme of things, it’s probably better to get this bathroom project wrapped first. Not to mention it’ll be so nice to have the room complete when those middle of the night bathroom trips kick in again. With any luck, we should be done in the next couple weeks – just in time to start trying again!
Speaking of house stuff, we didn’t end up getting that house I was obsessed with. We went to see it and loved it — we even talked to a lender and got pre-approved, and were all set to make an offer when it was suddenly pulled off the market. Apparently an ex came out of the woodwork and didn’t agree with selling or something. The real estate agent said it could very likely come back on the market as a foreclosure, but there were already three offers ahead of ours, anyway. I’m disappointed, but the idea of trying to rush the bathroom remodel and find a renter, while juggling a complex bankruptcy purchase did make me a little nervous. We’re still looking, and at least now we know we can financially make it happen, so we’ll be ready to pounce when the next house comes along.
At some point, things should start falling into place… right?