Author: Keeping up with the Hoffmans

health & body, loss, musings

Good days and bad.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

It’s hard to believe it’s been a month since our D&E. Emotionally, I’m feeling okay most days. I know I’ll carry both our losses with me forever, but it’s true what they say — time heals. Each day feels a bit better than the last, but I do notice certain “triggers” take me by surprise. Like earlier this week I was sitting in a meeting and noticed the date on the calendar and had the realization that I would have been 18 weeks that day. It hit me like a ton of bricks and took my breath away. I had to really focus to compose myself. Little things like that seem to come out of nowhere, but overall I’m doing okay.

Physically-speaking, I had my post-op appointment and talked to my doctor about next steps last week. In another month or so, we’ll do an HSG test (where they inject dye into your uterus and tubes to look for abnormalities), and we’ll test for autoimmune and blood clotting disorders at the same time. I’m also going to get tested for Celiac disease again. My dad has Celiac, and it’s hereditary, and can cause miscarriage. I tested negative for it about 5 years ago, and I’m not showing any symptoms, but it’s possible to be asymptomatic and test positive at a later date, so we’ll get that checked out. Unfortunately, my doctor said she doesn’t think any of these tests will find anything, because if I had had any of these issues they would most likely have affected our pregnancy with Theo, and that pregnancy was essentially textbook. She said if she had to guess we’ve just had bad luck. I still want to do all the testing, though. As strange as it sounds, I hope they find something wrong with me. Most of these things can be treated if you know what you’re treating. But if we can’t pinpoint a cause, I’ll feel more confident knowing we’ve at least ruled out some things. It feels good to have a game plan, but I need to start accepting the reality that we may never know what happened or why.

Unfortunately, I was still bleeding slightly at my appointment, which the doctor had hoped would be over with by that point. She did an hCG draw and my levels were 11.6. That’s very low (the most sensitive of home pregnancy tests will detect around 25), but she had hoped they would be zero. We just did another draw this week and I’m happy to say they’re finally zero! I’m pretty sure the sheer elation of reaching zero is truly something only a miscarriage survivor can appreciate. I’ve also finally stopped bleeding, so that’s a relief. I recently started tracking my cycles again by taking my temperature, and my body seems to be still wonky. 32 days out and I have yet to ovulate. It’s not like we would do anything about it yet (more on that in a minute), but it would be nice to know my body is back to normal.

Some good news: D and I had a serious talk the other day about trying again. I was terrified about having this conversation. He was on the fence about trying this last time, due to fears leftover from our first loss, and I was afraid this later miscarriage would put him over the edge and he would be totally closed off to the idea, but to my surprise, he is completely on board. So that’s a relief. We’re still going to give it a few months so we can do all the testing, but I have hope that we will be pregnant again — it’s just a matter of when.

I think the “when” aspect is actually one of the hardest things for me to accept this go-round, though. I had always dreamed of having children 2-3 years apart. Now, best case scenario we’re looking at 3-4 years apart. I’m trying to have patience, but the truth of the matter is, the more time that passes, the farther apart the siblings will be in age, and that’s hard for me to accept, since I have such great memories of playing with my brother growing up (he’s two years younger). The other thing is that, frankly, time is not on our side. I’m 34 now, and best case scenario, I’ll be 35 when this next baby is born. That’s considered “advanced maternal age” by the medical community. I know women are having babies later these days — and I still feel young — but biology doesn’t lie, and the older a woman gets, fertility declines and chances of complications rise. It’s ironic — we got married so young — who would have thought we’d reach the point where we were at risk of being “too old” to have children? It sounds dramatic, but in some ways I sometimes feel like my life is passing me by and there’s nothing I can do about it…

Theoisms, toddlerhood

My did it!

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Our little man is certainly exerting his independence these days. Lately he wants to do everything himself — from buckling himself in his car seat, to brushing his own teeth (despite the fact that we do a much better job doing it for him), to opening doors and turning off lights — if we try do something for him, he immediately shrieks, “NO! MY DID IT!!!” He’s been using my and I interchangeably, and I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be “I get it” or his way of saying “I do it” (using the wrong tense of do) — but the message is clear: back off, mom!

It’s great that he’s learning do do more himself, but sometimes it takes FOR-E-VER to get out of the house in the morning, and there are certain things he simply lacks the dexterity to do, like zip up his jacket. He can do it if I get it started for him, but if I say, “Can mama help?” He yells, “No, Theo help!”

It’s both adorable and frustrating, which is basically toddlerhood in a nutshell.

IMG_5996

celebs & pop culture, health & body, loss, songs, quotes & poems

Beam me up.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Yesterday I had my surgery. I learned after the fact that they ended up doing a D&E instead of a D&C because of how big the baby was. It’s a similar procedure, but involves dilating the cervix more and uses different methods to get the baby out. As a result, I’ve been a little more crampy and am bleeding more than I did immediately following the last time. But overall I think I’m doing okay. My doctor was incredibly compassionate yesterday — she obliged my last-minute panic and request for another ultrasound before surgery just to be sure the baby was really gone (she said she gets that request a lot), and she got us hand and foot prints of our baby, which was sweet of her to think to do.

Coming out of surgery was pretty similar to last time — the simultaneous relief that it was over, with the overwhelming sadness of realizing it was truly over. But while my doctor was amazing, I was less than impressed with the post-op care I received at the hospital. After they let D in the room to be with me, they told me I could get dressed whenever I was ready and then we were kind of on our own. When I stood up to get dressed, I started gushing blood, and they hadn’t even left me with any extra pads. D had to go flag down someone just to get an extra one to get us home. Just getting dressed and trying to get a new pad in place left the room looking like a murder scene. Then I was feeling dizzy and didn’t feel like I could walk to the car, so D had to flag someone down to get me a wheelchair.

On the way home I started feeling clammy and dizzy and had to make D pull over so I could throw up. But since I hadn’t really eaten anything since the night before, I couldn’t. Instead, the heaving caused me to pass a giant blood clot (sorry, TMI), which was a little alarming. I passed a few more large clots (I’m talking golf ball-sized — yikes) yesterday afternoon and evening, but thankfully the bleeding seems to have slowed way down today. I just hope it stays down now and that the worst is over. Our last experience with a D&C and the extended bleeding was just too much for me and I’m still traumatized by it.

I took the afternoon off work yesterday, and am taking the day off today. Tomorrow I’ll work from home, and then I’ll have the weekend to really recharge. It’s been nice to just have some me time today. I go back and forth between feeling fine and feeling really sad, which I’m sure is normal. I binge-watched the entire first season of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt today, which was the perfect escape. I laughed my ass off, which was much-needed.

By now you’re probably wondering what the title of this post has to do with anything. I came across an article today about celebrities who have opened up about their miscarriages. One of the stars mentioned was Pink, and how she had written her song “Beam Me Up” after her miscarriage. I hadn’t heard the song before, so I looked it up. It’s beautiful and made me bawl my eyes out. I’ve been listening to it on repeat. Perfectly captures the sentiment I feel about my lost babies, and applies to anyone who’s lost a loved one, really.

The juxtaposition of watching Kimmy Schmidt and listening to this song pretty much captures the range of emotions I’m feeling today.

friends & family, health & body, loss, pregnancy

13 weeks pregnant — an unexpected loss.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Yesterday at 13 weeks, we went in for a routine checkup, and found out our baby was gone. The irony is that I think I was finally at the point where I was feeling confident. We had told most of our family and friends last week since we had reached the “magical” 12-week mark, and I had found the heartbeat via home doppler several times. I’m still processing everything and I’m kind of in shock. I mean, who loses a baby at 13 weeks for no apparent reason?

Our appointment started out very normal. It was our first meeting with our new OB (last appointment had been with the nurse practitioner), and she went over our history, talked about both our previous loss and our successful pregnancy, and talked about our plans for this pregnancy as far as any testing, delivery plans, etc. At the end of the appointment she pulled out the doppler to check for the heartbeat. When she didn’t find it right away, none of us were terribly worried at first. I know it can be tricky to find. But the longer she searched, the more concerned I started getting. She kept yapping away about something and I honestly have no idea what she was saying — I just kept listening for that unmistakable galloping sound. A few times I glanced over at D and I could see he was starting to worry too. Finally she said she was going to grab the ultrasound machine. I had this overwhelming feeling of dread, but kept trying to tell myself it would all be okay — and hey, on the plus side I’d get to see my baby again, right? We weren’t due for another ultrasound until 20 weeks, so I kept trying to convince myself this would be a nice surprise.

But as soon as I saw the baby on the screen, I knew. Just 4 weeks earlier at our 9-week ultrasound, baby was dancing around on the screen, waving its arms and legs. This time the baby was very still. And there was no flicker in the middle where we should have seen the heart beating. The doctor didn’t say anything for a few minutes, while she got different angles and measurements, but I knew it was over long before she said anything. She finally confirmed there was no heartbeat and that’s when I broke down. She pointed out that the baby was measuring right on track — 13 weeks and 1 day, so it had to have happened in the last couple days. I already knew this, since I had just found the heartbeat via home doppler three days prior. She kept talking, pointing out other things — like how the shape and position of the baby meant that the death was recent, yada, yada… I honestly wasn’t listening. I just wanted to run out of the building. My baby was gone. What else mattered?

As it turns out, losing a baby at 13 weeks is more complicated than losing a baby at 7 weeks. Whereas before I was given three options: wait to miscarry naturally, induce with medicine, or a surgical D&C, this time the doctor said our only safe option was a D&C, due to the size of the baby and the amount of bleeding that would come with losing a second trimester pregnancy. I really hate the idea of another D&C, especially after all the complications we experienced last time. But my doctor assured me my experience was rare. Then again, so is miscarrying in the second trimester, water breaking before labor starts and too much lipase in your breastmilk. I seem to end up on the wrong side of statistics a lot. Unfortunately, with the long holiday weekend, we can’t even talk to the scheduler until Monday. I was instructed to head to the ER if I start bleeding over the weekend.

So here we are, in a state of limbo. Still carrying my baby, and still feeling pregnant. Still looking pregnant too. Mostly all that fits me right now are maternity clothes, but they’re just too painful to wear when I know my baby is gone. So I spent most of the afternoon yesterday cleaning out my closet and packing all my maternity clothes away again (I had just unpacked everything last weekend and put most of my regular clothes in storage, so I got to spend a few hours swapping everything out once again). Everything I own either feels tight and uncomfortable or shows off my belly, which I can’t stand to look at right now.

It just sucks. Who loses a baby at 13 weeks? And why? The doctor had no explanation. She said it was most likely a chromosomal abnormality, but everything I’ve read online says most chromosomal abnormalities are more likely to cause first trimester miscarriages. Why did baby develop this long? The doctor will do some testing on me after my D&C and see if she can find anything like an autoimmune or blood clotting disorder, which can sometimes be the culprit of late miscarriages. She also said we have the option of having the baby tested for chromosomal abnormalities after the D&C, but that it’s expensive and  usually not covered by insurance. I’m not sure what we’ll do, but I’m leaning toward not doing it. What would it tell us, really? Either the baby had an abnormality and there’s nothing we can do to prevent that from happening again, or the baby was healthy and its death was just senseless.

It was really hard to have to break the news to everyone yesterday, but the support and love we’ve received has been overwhelming (in a good way). I guess that’s the silver lining to having told so many people. Interestingly, a lot of people have offered to watch Theo for us, but to be honest, he has proved to be a beacon of light in this dark time for us. His innocence, silliness and even his tantrums have been a reminder that life goes on, and he’s provided some much-needed distraction. Although he had just learned the concept that there was a baby in mommy’s tummy, and loved to pat my belly and say “baby” and then kiss it. He did that this morning and it was like a knife through the heart. I’m glad he’s young enough that he’ll probably forget soon enough. My 9 year-old niece, on the other hand, was excited about a new cousin and I can’t imagine the job my sister-in-law had trying to explain this to her.

I had been keeping weekly entries for this pregnancy in secret and I’ve debated whether I should publish them. I think I am going to. As hard as it is to look back on, it’s still an important part of our journey. So if you’re interested, you can scroll back as far as April 30 for my first update about this pregnancy.

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

12 weeks pregnant.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

12 weeks – a big milestone and it still doesn’t really feel real. Our next appointment is on Thursday at 13 weeks. Normally this is when I’d be getting the NT scan, but like last time, we’ve opted out. On the one hand, I’d love to have the extra ultrasound and get another look at baby, but I don’t like that the testing only gives you your chance of chromosomal abnormalities and not an actual diagnosis. In other words, you could be told you have a 1 in 10,000 or a 1 in 40 chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome or one of the other trisomies. I feel like any odds they could give me, I’d just worry over. So like last time, we’re moving forward on the optimistic assumption that everything is okay. We’ll find out more at our anatomy scan on August 20, anyway. I guess I’d rather just live in ignorant bliss unless/until I’m given reason otherwise.

In other news, I’ve decided to tell work after our appointment this week. Originally I was going to wait until after I figured out what was happening with my job — I’m currently on a 1-year contract but a permanent role opened up on my team and my boss is encouraging me to apply — but I’ve heard the hiring process can sometimes take months. Hiding it for a few more weeks until I have an offer in-hand would be one thing, but there’s no way I can hide it for much longer. I already have to be careful about my wardrobe. Case in point? I thought this wrap dress was loose enough, and black is slimming, right? Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror…

 

IMG_5946Yeah… :/

Baby: This week baby is the size of a plum, about 2.1 inches. Most critical systems are formed, and he/she is about to enter the growth and maturation stage. Baby now has reflexes and will move if you poke him/her. In fact, today I was wearing some pants that were a bit tight in the waist and I was sitting, which means they were digging in a bit, and I could have sworn I felt a bit of fluttering against the pressure of my waistband. I think it’s probably too early and it was just gas or something, but it really felt identical to baby flutters and it got me excited.

Mama: Other than feeling fat, I’m feeling pretty good. Still peeing multiple times per night, and my boobs have gotten sore over the last few days, but all things considered, I think I got lucky that the first trimester is almost over and I never really got morning sickness that bad this time. My biggest complaint these days is that my legs are so itchy!! I honestly have no idea whether that’s a pregnancy symptom, a thyroid symptom or completely unrelated, though.

Weight: Up 1.2 lbs this week for a total gain now of 3 lbs. I feel like I look more than 3 lbs. heavier, though.

Cravings: Nothing specific or consistent, but I’ve come to realize I’m just easily influenced in pregnancy. Like someone mentions something and I just HAVE to have it. Sometimes it’s ice cream. Sometimes it’s cheese. Sometimes it’s pickles. But it’s always urgent!

 

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

11 weeks pregnant.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Just days away from the 12 week milestone, and time definitely feels like it’s going more quickly this time. I think we’ve pretty much just started telling whomever at this point. I know 12 weeks is the “safe point,” but I doubt a few days makes a difference. Still won’t be telling work for a little while since there are a few things up in the air with my job, and not telling work means we won’t be doing a Facebook announcement anytime soon either. Really hate keeping secrets and it’s getting harder to hide physically. Which brings me to…

Mama is looking pregnant. I know most of it is still bloat and guts being displaced, but I definitely have a small bump on my lower abdomen. Still getting occasional waves of nausea, but nothing major. Looks like I may have lucked out this time around in that department. Boobs are a little more sore now and I’m still tired, but maybe not quite as tired as I was before.

Weight: Up 0.6 lbs. this week for a total weight gain now of 1.8 lbs.

Cravings: Nothing specific, though sweets of all kinds sound good.

Baby is the size of a lime this week. Or a strawberry, depending on what app/website you’re looking at. Or about 2 inches if you’re looking to get more specific. Toothbuds and genitals are on the agenda this week. Really looking forward to finding out what we’re having. Even though this pregnancy feels totally different, my gut still says another boy. But my gut was wrong last time, so who knows. Honestly, I’d be happy with either. I’d love to have the chance to experience being a girl mom, but boys are pretty awesome and I know Theo would love having a little brother. Honestly, the biggest downfall to having another boy will be picking another boy name. I felt like we exhausted every boy name last time. But if that’s the biggest of my worries, I’ll count myself pretty blessed.

house

The Snowball Effect

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Let’s refinish our hardwood floors!

Hmm… as long as we’re refinishing the hardwoods, let’s rip out the carpet and extend the hardwoods throughout, including up the stairs.

Except now the stair rail doesn’t match. We should probably redo that while we’re at it.

Of course, we’ll need a stair runner so Theo doesn’t hurt himself.

And as long as the appliances are out of the kitchen because of the floors, maybe we should just go ahead and replace them.

Before we put the new appliances in, now is probably the time to redo the backsplash.

Except, before we tile, we should probably paint the kitchen.

Come to think of it, the whole house really needs painting.

But before we paint, we should fix the drywall.

As long as we’re painting, let’s replace all the baseboards with white trim.

And paint the crown molding to match.

Hmm… now all that white trim doesn’t match the doors. Better replace those.

Of course, we’ll need a new rug for the living room now that we have hardwood floor in there.

Should probably get new couches that go with the rug.

Maybe we’ll build a window seat instead of replacing the love seat.

With the new living room arrangement, everything would really flow a lot better if we mounted that TV.

You know, TVs are so cheap these days, let’s just upgrade our TV while we’re at it.

The dining room set doesn’t really go with anything anymore. Better replace that.

Oh and let’s finally finish the deck we started over a year ago.

…and that’s how you accidentally remodel your whole house.

 

Baby Theo, breastfeeding

The end of an era.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

This post was originally started in August 2014, but I never got around to finishing it. In an effort to restart this blog, I’m resurrecting some old/half-finished content.

Yesterday, Theo turned 16 months old. And this morning I nursed him for the last time. I’m sure most of our friends and family are thinking, “it’s about time!” but I’m sad about it.

It’s funny, I never saw myself as an “extended breastfeeder” – a term used to describe those who go past a year. I knew before I was even pregnant that I wanted to breastfeed, and I had hoped to make it to a year, but I never thought I’d go past that. A year always felt like an ambitious goal – and God knows we had our share of hurdles to overcome in the beginning – but once we got into a routine, nursing became something that just felt natural and even easy. I loved the bonding aspect and the fact that I never had to remember to take bottles with us when we were out and about. We never once gave him formula, which I’m sure saved us tons of money. And the emotional benefits were really great too. Anyone who knows Theo knows he is a kid who does not sit still. Like ever. But the nightly nurse and snuggle before bed became our special time, and it was something I cherished and would look forward to after a long day at work.

I happily gave up pumping at a year. Good lord, I hated pumping at work. But he still seemed like such a baby to me, so I figured there was no reason to give up nursing him while we were together, as long as my supply would hold up. It did, so we just kept going. Along the way we’ve dropped nursing during the day, and for about a month now we’ve just been nursing first thing in the morning and at bedtime. And even the morning session was sporadic. That basically came down to when he woke up. If he woke up before I was ready to get up, I would pull him into bed to sleep-nurse and he’d usually let me get another hour or two of sleep (which was amazing on the weekends!). During the week, if I woke up for work before he was up, I’d let him sleep and we didn’t nurse before dropping him off at daycare.

***June 2015 addendum***

Those last 4 months – between a year and 16 months – were the best part of nursing. Unlike in the beginning when I was uncomfortable and worried about things like supply and whether he was eating enough, this period was just… easy. It was like extra credit at this point. I had already reached my goal of a year. I was nursing because we both still enjoyed it; not because he had to eat. And if my supply dropped and I had to give it up, it was no big deal. No pressure. To be honest, the only reason I stopped when I did was because I had a five-day work trip and there was no way I was bringing the pump. I knew five days without nursing or pumping would be the end of my supply — and I was (mostly) fine with that.

Okay, I’ll be honest, I cried, hard, through that last session the night before my flight — watching him peacefully drift off to sleep, snuggled up against me, knowing it was the last time. But at the end of the day I can only be happy that we had that time, as I know a lot of women aren’t able to breastfeed as long as they’d like to, and at one point I wasn’t sure if I would be able to either. But babies have to grow up sometime, don’t they?

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

10 weeks pregnant.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Double digits, crazy! Time definitely seems to be going by faster this time. It’s weird to think we’re only about a week and a half away from officially letting the cat out of the bag. Last time, I felt like that day couldn’t come soon enough. This time, I’m not feeling quite ready yet. Maybe it’s because so much is up in the air with work right now. Our department is re-orging and I’m not sure what that will mean for my job. So regardless of who we tell at 12 weeks, I may wait longer to tell work so I can see how things shake out here first.

Baby is the size of a prune this week, and has working arm joints. His/her cartilage and bones are forming, while vital organs are already fully developed and starting to function. New this week: baby is growing fingernails and hair!

Mama: Got some not-so-great news last week as a result of my blood draw the week before. Turns out my thyroid is low, which is common in pregnancy, and easily treatable, but does have potential serious repercussions if left untreated. So they started me on a low dose of synthyroid daily, and they’ll recheck my levels as the pregnancy progresses and up the dosage, if necessary. Other than that, I’m feeling some nausea but very little actual puking, fatigue, moodiness, the usual. I’ve also been ridiculously itchy for the last month – mostly my legs and at night. Also strange, was that yesterday and today I started having pain in my Achilles tendon, which has made it hard to walk. Fun stuff! I’m having such a hard time finding stuff to wear. I’m already wearing maternity pants or doing the rubber band trick with my regular pants.

Cravings: None at the moment.

Weight: Up 0.6 lbs this week for a total gain now of 1.6 lbs.

Theoisms

Rawwwwrrr…

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Theo is obsessed with roaring. It all started with learning about lions at school. Then he got a book about the zoo, and when we get to the part about the lion, he starts roaring before I can even read a word on the page. This turned into his assumption that other animals must roar. So now anytime he sees an animal he doesn’t know the sound for yet, his default guess is that it must roar. This includes things like frogs and bunnies, which just makes it even funnier. Oh, and robots. His grandma got him some robot toys recently and he was playing with them while roaring.