health & body, loss, musings, songs, quotes & poems

To become whole, first let yourself be broken.

I ran across the above quote today and have decided that it perfectly fits where my life is right now. I am trying so badly to accept what I have been through, and remember that everything happens for a reason. In a way, I feel like I’ll love my eventual baby that much more because of the hell I will have gone through to get him/her.

Friday night was another chapter in my journey through hell, when I ended up in the emergency room due to excessive bleeding.

Yes, after everything I had been through to make the bleeding stop, it started up again Friday night, and with such a sudden intensity that my doctor told me to come straight in to the emergency room. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life, and it was incredibly scary. My doctor said they would check to see if I was still retaining tissue, and that I should prepare myself for the possibility that I may need a second D&C. I cried. And perhaps the worst part was that D wasn’t home when I was going through all this. He was at a concert about 45 minutes away, and since he had gotten a ride with a friend, he had no way to get back early unless he caught a cab, which I’m sure would have cost a couple hundred dollars from that distance. I told him to sit tight and that I would drive myself to the ER, and if it did come down to me needing another surgery, then he should get a cab; otherwise, I told him to get home as soon as he could and I would keep him posted.

By the time I got to the hospital, things were getting progressively worse. I’ll spare the gory details, but let’s just say I was passing solid material in addition to blood. I try not to think too hard about what exactly that may have been, but I think it’s safe to assume it’s what the D&C left behind. They got me into ultrasound and determined that I still had enough tissue left behind to be “borderline” in requiring another D&C, so I had to wait while they brought in another doctor for her opinion. Eventually, they decided to take the more conservative approach and gave me an injection of Methergine (the same medication I had taken in pill form just a week earlier) and hope that this would be a final dose that would effectively cause my uterus to contract and expel anything remaining. If the Methergine didn’t do its job, they’d next look into Misoprostol, which is a suppository that’s sometimes given instead of a surgical D&C to cause the body to miscarry when it’s not doing so naturally. Instead of. Not usually in addition to. Apparently I’m just one of the lucky ones.

The good news is, I eventually did stop bleeding, and I didn’t need another D&C or the Misoprostol. At least not yet. Then again, I stopped bleeding once before. I’m terrified that this isn’t the end. I also have a million questions and don’t feel like I’m getting any answers besides “these things sometimes happen.” Meanwhile, all I want to do is try again, but my body is not letting me move forward.

Six weeks ago today, we got the heartbreaking news that changed our lives. Since then, I have been broken. When will I be whole again?

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