Beam me up.

Yesterday I had my surgery. I learned after the fact that they ended up doing a D&E instead of a D&C because of how big the baby was. It’s a similar procedure, but involves dilating the cervix more and uses different methods to get the baby out. As a result, I’ve been a little more crampy and am bleeding more than I did immediately following the last time. But overall I think I’m doing okay. My doctor was incredibly compassionate yesterday — she obliged my last-minute panic and request for another ultrasound before surgery just to be sure the baby was really gone (she said she gets that request a lot), and she got us hand and foot prints of our baby, which was sweet of her to think to do.

Coming out of surgery was pretty similar to last time — the simultaneous relief that it was over, with the overwhelming sadness of realizing it was truly over. But while my doctor was amazing, I was less than impressed with the post-op care I received at the hospital. After they let D in the room to be with me, they told me I could get dressed whenever I was ready and then we were kind of on our own. When I stood up to get dressed, I started gushing blood, and they hadn’t even left me with any extra pads. D had to go flag down someone just to get an extra one to get us home. Just getting dressed and trying to get a new pad in place left the room looking like a murder scene. Then I was feeling dizzy and didn’t feel like I could walk to the car, so D had to flag someone down to get me a wheelchair.

On the way home I started feeling clammy and dizzy and had to make D pull over so I could throw up. But since I hadn’t really eaten anything since the night before, I couldn’t. Instead, the heaving caused me to pass a giant blood clot (sorry, TMI), which was a little alarming. I passed a few more large clots (I’m talking golf ball-sized — yikes) yesterday afternoon and evening, but thankfully the bleeding seems to have slowed way down today. I just hope it stays down now and that the worst is over. Our last experience with a D&C and the extended bleeding was just too much for me and I’m still traumatized by it.

I took the afternoon off work yesterday, and am taking the day off today. Tomorrow I’ll work from home, and then I’ll have the weekend to really recharge. It’s been nice to just have some me time today. I go back and forth between feeling fine and feeling really sad, which I’m sure is normal. I binge-watched the entire first season of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt today, which was the perfect escape. I laughed my ass off, which was much-needed.

By now you’re probably wondering what the title of this post has to do with anything. I came across an article today about celebrities who have opened up about their miscarriages. One of the stars mentioned was Pink, and how she had written her song “Beam Me Up” after her miscarriage. I hadn’t heard the song before, so I looked it up. It’s beautiful and made me bawl my eyes out. I’ve been listening to it on repeat. Perfectly captures the sentiment I feel about my lost babies, and applies to anyone who’s lost a loved one, really.

The juxtaposition of watching Kimmy Schmidt and listening to this song pretty much captures the range of emotions I’m feeling today.

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