Category: pregnancy

health & body, loss, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

8 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

This is as far as we made it last time, and I’m terrified. Actually, technically, the baby didn’t live past 7 weeks, but my last weekly update last time was at 8 weeks, just a couple days before we got our bad news. I know the odds are in our favor now that we’ve had one ultrasound and seen the heartbeat, but I am still terrified of getting bad news at our first official appointment on Friday. Four more days… can I make it?

At 8 weeks…

Baby is the size of a raspberry or a kidney bean. He/she is growing webbed fingers and toes this week, in addition to eyelids, breathing tubes and lungs. The tail is almost completely gone, and the brain continues to develop, beginning to form the most basic neural pathways. Baby should also be moving quite a bit by now, even though I won’t be able to feel it for several more weeks.

Mama is still tired and nauseated with sore boobs and the occasional headache. It’s the new normal, I guess. The nausea comes and goes, though it got so bad last week that I actually got sick at work three times in one day! Hasn’t been that bad since, though. Mostly I just get waves that come and go throughout the day, which is tolerable. I went to go get measured for a new bra this weekend and I’m already up a full cup size! Holy cow. The girls are going to be giant by the time baby gets here. I had dinner with a couple friends on Saturday night, one of whom just had a baby two months ago and is still nursing. I couldn’t help but comment to her on how huge her boobs were! You know you’re good friends when you can talk about each other’s boobs freely, right?

Speaking of that dinner with friends, I spilled the beans to them, which felt good. My friend brought over champagne to celebrate the other friend’s birthday and when I declined the champagne, they just knew. They were very excited, but I made them promise to keep it a secret.

Four more days until we can have some more reassurance, though I wish I could say there would be a definitive point I’d stop being so scared. At least getting past our last loss milestone should help, I think.

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

7 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Well, we weren’t supposed to have our first ultrasound until the 28th. But a brief scare Sunday night led to an early look at our baby Monday morning. First things first, baby is fine! Measuring 3 days smaller than I thought it should (6 weeks 5 days, instead of 7 weeks 1 day), but the nurse practitioner said their equipment has  a margin of error of +/-4 days, so she wasn’t worried. The best part was we got to see a heartbeat! We never got to see that last time. The nurse estimated it was probably beating around 140-160 beats per minute, which is right where it should be.

Meet Baby Hoffman:

So, the back story:

Sunday night, just before bed, I noticed a small amount of blood. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough for me to freak the eff out. I know some spotting can be totally normal, but I also know it can be the first sign of something wrong. Since I had a small amount of spotting with my last pregnancy, I was really scared. I cried myself to sleep, tossed and turned all night, and was wide awake super early the next morning.

I called the doctor as soon as they opened, and they agreed to see us at 9:50 that morning. I was so nervous sitting in the waiting room, and then again sitting in the exam room waiting for the nurse practitioner. It seemed to take forever. As soon as I saw the heartbeat flicker, I instantly started hyperventilating. I was relieved, shocked and just a whole bunch of other emotions all at once. The NP had to remind me to breathe, and said that everything looked exactly as it should. No idea where the bleeding had come from, but it had stopped by that point anyway. She told me that a little bit of bleeding wasn’t anything to be worried about, but that she also understood how scary pregnancy can be after a miscarriage, and that if at any time I didn’t feel comfortable with something I could always come in to be checked out. I have to say, I am really liking my new doctor’s office so far. So, I get to go back in on the 28th for my normally scheduled appointment. As scared as I was for the bleeding episode I’m glad we got a sneak peek at the baby, and that I only have to wait 10 more days to see our baby again.

With that long intro out of the way, here’s what’s happening at 7 weeks…

Baby has doubled in size since last week and is now about the size of a blueberry. The big news this week is that baby is growing hands and feet, though they look more like paddles at this point. The tail is rapidly disappearing, making the baby look even more human than last week.

Mama is feeling pretty much the same, physically: tired, nauseated, bloated occasional headaches. The only new thing this week really was the bleeding. Emotionally, I think I’m finally starting to feel a little more excited, after seeing the baby’s heartbeat. D didn’t seem very reassured by the ultrasound and says he’s still scared. Maybe it’s because we’re only about 7 weeks along, and that’s the point where our baby died last time, discovered at 8 weeks. If we can get past this 8 week ultrasound (which will actually end up being closer to 9 weeks), maybe then he’ll start to feel a little more confident. I’m definitely ready to start getting excited about this pregnancy and really look forward to the day D is too.

health & body, loss, musings, pregnancy

Then vs. now.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how different this pregnancy is from my last one, and yet, in some ways is also very familiar. I know every pregnancy is different, but I have to admit I’m clinging to the differences in hopes that it’ll have a different outcome this time.

My outlook…

Then: I was always worried about the possibility of miscarriage, but I think deep down I felt like it would never happen to me. I was instantly bonded to my baby and I thought a lot about the future. I was scared but mostly looking forward to our 8 week ultrasound so I could get the reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

Now: Not only am I worried about miscarriage, but deep down I almost expect it to happen again, even though statistically I know I’m more likely to have a healthy baby this time. I’m sad to say I don’t feel bonded to this baby — yet — but I hope that will happen if/when we can get past a successful 8 week ultrasound. I don’t put a lot of thought into the future this time – I’m just taking things one day at a time. I’m not so much “looking forward” to our 8 week ultrasound, as I am just wanting it to be over with already. Either rip the band aid off or let me start moving forward. I just feel like I’m in limbo right now.

Morning sickness…

Then: At first the only thing that really got me queasy was the smell of dog food. That was my first sign I was pregnant, actually, and I had to make D start feeding the dogs for me. The actual throwing up didn’t start until about 5 and a half weeks, and once it did, it was always in the shower in the mornings. Then, around 6 weeks, walking started making me nauseated. On the occasion that the nausea would hit me at work, I had candied ginger in my desk that I munched on to help it go away.

Now: I started throwing up instantly, and it was morning and night (but felt fine during the day). But that only lasted a few days and then it went away for a few days. Then the nausea came back and now I have the occasional vomiting in the mornings and just a general queasy feeling that lasts all day. I have gagged a couple times over dog food this time, but it doesn’t seem to be as strong of an aversion as last time, as some days I’m fine with it. I still have D feed the dogs regularly, but on the occasion he’s been out of town or gotten home late, I have usually been able to do it with no problems. I haven’t been able to stand ginger since the miscarriage as it reminds me too much of my last pregnancy, and I’m not a huge fan of ginger to begin with, so I’m sticking with saltines as my work nausea remedy.

Food cravings/aversions…

Then: All I wanted last time was anything healthy. Couldn’t stand sweets, especially chocolate or anything artificial. Coffee didn’t sound good, but I would have a tiny bit every morning just to wake me up and to stave off the inevitable caffeine withdrawal headaches.

Now: I’m still craving healthy foods, but for some reason lettuce sometimes tastes really bitter to me. I’m also loving fruit, especially peaches. And while I’m not craving chocolate, I did see a commercial for Wendy’s the other night and wanted a Frosty like no one’s business. Funny, since my mom always craved Frostys when she was pregnant with me. I also had a huge hankering for cottage cheese a few nights ago, but then when I bought some last night it tasted gross. Could have been the fact that it was from a health food store and they may make it a bit differently than the big brands. Similar to last time, coffee doesn’t sound good. This time I’ve been able to cut out caffeine altogether, though. I started tapering down my caffeine use while we were trying to conceive, and then I tapered down even more once we got pregnant so that within a week I had completely quit.

Skin…

Then: My skin was bright and clear last time. I think I had that whole pregnancy “glow” thing going on.

Now: Not so much. I look like a hormonal teenager.

Emotions…

Then: I got a little teary a few times, but nothing that seemed to interfere much with my day-to-day life.

Now: I will be the first to admit I have turned into a raging beyotch! Poor D. I have such a short fuse and feel cranky all the time. Yesterday he called me and asked me to look up directions to somewhere on my phone and I got all snippy and went off on him about how he always relies on me to know where we’re going and never takes it upon himself to do so. After we hung up, I started crying because I don’t like the person I’ve turned into. I feel like such a loony!

Gender gut feeling…

Then: I felt like I was having a boy.

Now: I feel like it’s a girl. Neither of these are based on anything but just a gut feeling. I never got to find out if I was right last time and am just praying I get to this time.

Other stuff…

Both times I got extremely bloated and had really sore boobs. Like last time, I’m hungry all the time, but seem to not want to eat as much in one sitting. I also have trouble sleeping and wake up multiple times per night to pee. I think I’m more tired this time, and I get frequent headaches, which I didn’t get last time. Again, just really hoping any differences are good signs that I can expect a different outcome! 16 days until our ultrasound…

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

6 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

As of today, I am 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I’m still feeling sort of “blah” about the whole thing. It just doesn’t feel real yet, and I think I’m just subconsciously waiting for something to go wrong. When I look back at where I was this time last pregnancy, it makes me sad. I was so full of hope and dreams about the future. I loved my baby. This time… I just don’t see a future yet, if I’m completely honest. I don’t really feel any sort of a bond yet, but I think that’s just because I’m scared. D and I don’t really talk much about it either because he’s having a hard time getting excited too. It just makes me sad that we were robbed of what should be such an exciting time in our lives. I really hope that once we make it past our first appointment and ultrasound we’ll be able to feel more excited. 17 more days.

In the meantime, at 6 weeks…

Baby is approximately 1/4 inch long – about the size of a small pea. It’s forming a face this week, including eyes, ears, nose and chin. It’s morphing into the shape of a shrimp, with little nubs where the arms and legs will be. Still looks pretty alien at this point, but is on its way to looking somewhat human-ish!

Mama is more nauseated than ever. I remember last time, this was about the point where the morning sickness kicked up a notch, too. These last couple weeks I’ve had a little nausea very first thing in the morning and sometimes late at night – and have only actually gotten sick a handful of times in the morning – and most of that was in the very beginning when we first found out. I’ve thrown up the last three days in a row now, though, and now this morning, the nausea doesn’t seem to be going away and it’s after 10 a.m. As long as I don’t yak in front of my coworkers or on the bus, I’m okay with that, though. I’ll deal with any discomfort or inconvenience if it means I get to keep my baby.

The good news is, I haven’t had any spotting yet (knock on wood), which is something that had started up by this time the last time. I know some spotting is considered normal, but you better believe I’ll be headed straight for the hospital should I see even the tiniest drop of blood this time.

Another thing that’s new this time has been my horrible skin! With last pregnancy, my skin was clear and I felt like I had that whole “glow” thing going on. This time, not so much. It’s like I’m a teenager again.

Definitely still feeling like a fatty and am loving that the weather is cooling, making way for fall sweaters. My boobs are on fire as well, and I’m just about ready for a new bra. Trying to put that off as long as possible, though! In general, I’m sort of putting off anything that makes it feel more real until we know things are going the way they should. Just 17 more days…

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

5 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I’m a couple days late on this week’s update. As of Sunday, I was officially 5 weeks pregnant. Time seems to be going by quicker than last time in some ways, yet crawling by in other ways. I think all the house stuff we’ve been doing has been a welcome distraction and has made time go by faster, but the extra worry I’m feeling this time around has made time go by slower. I don’t think it’ll really feel real to me until we can get past the first ultrasound and hear the heartbeat. As much as I’m trying not to worry and to just enjoy this pregnancy, deep down I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

This week…

Baby is about the size of an apple seed and resembles a tadpole. He/she is beginning to grow a heart, circulatory system and kidneys. The neural tube is also under construction this week, which will eventually become the brain and spinal cord.

Mama is super moody lately. I’ve gotten really cranky with D several times. Thankfully he seems to be pretty understanding about it and is the first to come over and give me a hug instead of fighting back when I snap at him. Other than the moodiness, I’m just really queasy often and have had intermittent headaches. Feels a lot like a hangover, actually — you know, if hangovers lasted weeks on end. Still peeing a lot, and the boobs have gotten extra sore just in the last few days. I have completely kicked my coffee habit, which I’m really proud of, and I’ve been eating pretty healthily lately. I’m craving fruit (especially peaches), but chocolate and other sugary sweet stuff doesn’t sound good to me.

We told my parents and my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, which was exciting. They were all really excited and asked a lot of questions, which made it feel more real. We had D’s mom, sister and brother-in-law over yesterday to see the new house, but D isn’t ready to tell them yet, so we didn’t. I didn’t have a beer when everyone else did, and was the only one who didn’t drink coffee either, but either no one noticed or they just decided not to say anything. We went to a friend’s BBQ on Sunday night and I made a little more of an effort to fake drinking since the people there definitely would have noticed. I just carried around a beer the whole evening but didn’t drink it – seemed to do the trick just fine, but I was so thirsty by the end of the night! Looking forward to just being out with people, but that won’t happen until after our 12 week appointment.

health & body, pregnancy

Pinch me.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

It still doesn’t seem real. Not only that, but my PgAL (pregnant after a loss) brain has worked me into thinking it won’t last.

I (ahem) *may or may not* have taken several pregnancy tests since last Wednesday when we first got that faint positive. The good news is, the line is getting darker each time.

I  know you aren’t supposed to use these tests quantitatively, since the amount of dye can vary from one test to the next, but in theory, the more hCG you have in your system, the darker the line is, so it gives me some small peace of mind to know that my hCG at least appears to still be rising. I know it’s not a reliable method of tracking the progression of the pregnancy, but I’ll take any grains of reassurance I can get at this point.

I had a couple days earlier this week where I felt pretty good. The nausea seemed to subside and I pretty much felt like myself. Great, right? WRONG. So very wrong. The absence of symptoms had me convinced the pregnancy was over. The symptoms seem to have come back these last few days, though. Never thought I’d be so happy to throw up!

29 days until our ultrasound. But who’s counting?

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

4 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

It’s bittersweet to be starting the weekly posts again, considering the last time I wrote one of these was at 8 weeks, just two days before our world came crashing down around us. This time around I’m not going to be taking weekly photos just yet. One, because there’s really no point this early as it’s just all bloat; and two, because it’s just too painful to remember the last time I was taking those. Maybe at 9 weeks I’ll start including photos, since we didn’t make it that far last time.

Okay, here we go again…

At 4 weeks…

Baby is the size of a poppyseed and is already starting to grow organs and hair!

Mama is tired, bloated, emotional and nauseated. A new symptom this time around is a persistent headache, which is super annoying. The nausea has come on a lot stronger sooner this time too. I don’t think I actually threw up until around 5 weeks last time. This time I started throwing up once or twice a day right away, starting with the night of the first maybe-positive pregnancy test. Similar to last time, the smell of dog food makes me hurl and I can’t stomach coffee anymore. My allergies have also been out of control, and I’ve been too paranoid to take my Zyrtec, even though it’s supposedly okay to take. I have a lot of cramps, which I’ve read is just your uterus preparing to stretch, but still has me paranoid Aunt Flo is about to come and crash the party. In short, I’ve been feeling like crap these last few days… but I wouldn’t change it for the world! One thing I would change, though, is this nasty cold I’ve come down with over the last couple days! I even think I may have been running a slight fever last night as I was hot and cold all night.

I had my betas drawn on Thursday and Saturday – the first draw was 27 and the second draw was 63. So they’re more than doubling, which is a good sign, but I’m still so afraid of every little thing. They didn’t/wouldn’t check progesterone like I thought they were going to, so hopefully that’s not an issue. I’ve gone a couple days now without actually throwing up, but I don’t know if that’s because the nausea has subsided a bit or if I’m making a bigger effort to hold it back (my throat was SOO raw a few days ago from the daily vomiting). I’m so paranoid about everything at this point. 32 days until our first ultrasound… it cannot come soon enough!

health & body, pregnancy

I am.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

The answer to yesterday’s question is yes!

I was planning to test again this morning to see if the line got any darker. Of course, I caved and tested last night (who am I kidding?), and the line was still very faint, but definitely more prominent. I tested again this morning and it was even darker. So it appears this is it. Please, God, let it stick.

D is still acting very ambivalent about the whole thing. I confronted him about it again last night and he said he is just really hesitant to let himself get excited this time. I get that, I really do. I am feeling that way too. But I am really trying to be happy about this since worrying about the future won’t do me any good. Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby. That’s the mantra I need to keep repeating.

I made a bunch of doctor’s appointments this morning, so it’s starting to feel real. I go in for a series of blood draws over the next several days to make sure my hCG levels are rising appropriately (they’re supposed to double every 48-72 hours). I’ll also get my progesterone tested to make sure it’s sufficient to sustain a pregnancy. If it’s low, they can start me on supplements right away. I’m just getting these blood draws done at the clinic that’s located in the same building where I work, and then they’ll send them over to my new OB.

Yes, a new OB. I’ve been rather frustrated with my current OB the last several times I’ve gone in. For one, the first thing she always says to me when she walks into the exam room is, “Have we met?” I’m sorry, but I’ve just had the worst year of my life and have been in to see you several times. If you can’t remember me, clearly you have too many patients, but the least you could do is take 5 seconds to look at my chart and see that I was just in a few months ago. She also just seemed really prescription happy without actually trying to solve the underlying problem, and she never seemed to be very supportive of me asking questions or discussing things. She always seemed really rushed. I think I’m just ready for a fresh start with someone new, and from what I’ve read online about this new doctor, I think it’s going to be a better personality fit. I have to go in for some mandatory workshop thing on September 20, then I have my first ultrasound on September 28 with the nurse practitioner, and then I see the new doctor for the first time at my 12 week appointment on October 22nd.

So, this is really happening! It’s still hard to believe, but I’m already feeling it, physically. I have frequent headaches, which is new. And, similar to last time, coffee doesn’t sound good, and the smell of dog food makes me barf, as I rediscovered this morning. I generally tend to be feeling my “morning sickness” more in the evenings this time around, though.

Baby is due May 5. Happy Cinco de Mayo!

friends & family, health & body, loss, pregnancy, TTC after loss

Am I?

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

So, I took a test this morning and I might be pregnant.

Honestly, I’m not sure what to think. I promised myself this cycle I would actually wait for my period to show instead of testing early. I’m 10 DPO today, so it’s pretty early to be testing, but I have just not been feeling like myself lately. My allergies have been out of control and the Zyrtec is doing jack squat for that. I’ve also been really nauseated off and on the past couple days. So last night I laid out a test that I planned to take first thing this morning (it’s best when you’ve been holding your pee overnight). Of course, at 2 a.m. I woke up and had to pee. I made myself go back to sleep and had restless off and on sleep, complete with multiple dreams about peeing on tests, in one of which I got my period at the same time. Super.

Finally, I got up around 6:30 and took the test. I went back to bed for about 5 minutes to wait for it to develop, and then got up and looked at the test. Big Fat Negative. Of course. I almost threw it away, but then I looked again and I swore I saw just the faintest shadow of a line. I stared at it in different lights and the more I stared, the more I swore there was something there.

Can anyone else see the line or am I seeing things? (and please ignore the dirty sink – how embarrassing!)

I went back to bed and told D I think I might be pregnant… but that I wasn’t sure. His eyes popped open really wide and he said, “Really?” I then explained how I thought I saw a line, but it was so faint, but then again, they say a line is a line… I asked if he wanted to come look at it, and when he said, “not really,” I was pretty put off. Come on, this is a big deal! But then he said he was worried about getting his hopes up again.

I do understand his hesitation. First of all, I’m not even sure if it’s really a positive test. I’ve read about “evaporation lines” that look a lot like really faint positives. Even if it is positive, we’re painfully aware that a positive test doesn’t always result in a baby.

So many thoughts running through my head right now. I really hope I am pregnant, but if I am, I can already tell it’s going to be a lot different than last time. I’m sure part of my lack of excitement has to do with the uncertainty of whether it’s really a positive, but I also think I’m going to have a hard time getting excited until we get past that first ultrasound. I think I’m subconsciously protecting myself from the extent of the pain from last time.

Hopefully testing again tomorrow will show a more clear result. Until then, I’ll remain in limbo…

health & body, loss, pregnancy

It’s over.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I had my D&C yesterday.

After finding out last week that our baby had stopped developing a week prior and had no heartbeat, we were given three options: wait for miscarriage to happen naturally, take a pill to induce miscarriage, or go in for a dilation and curettage (D&C). I immediately ruled out the pill-induced miscarriage, as I have heard that it’s pretty intense and painful, and people sometimes end up not passing everything and needing an emergency D&C, anyway. My doctor recommended waiting to see if my body would miscarry naturally which she said could happen in a few days or a few weeks. The D&C was definitely an option, too, but carries a small risk of creating scar tissue, which is the only reason she recommended waiting it out first. She told us to go home and think it over. By the end of the day I had decided that I would give my body one week to do its thing. If I didn’t miscarry on my own by the following Monday, I would go in for a D&C. I just couldn’t wait forever and needed to begin to move on so I could heal emotionally and physically.

All last week, I had no signs of miscarrying on my own. No cramping, no bleeding, and I was still having many of my pregnancy symptoms, which were painful reminders of the baby that would never be. To be honest, I was relieved when yesterday’s appointment arrived.

The procedure itself was very easy, all things considered. We got to the hospital around 6 a.m. and were the first ones in the operating room at 7:30. I drifted off to sleep easily and woke up from surgery around 8 a.m., feeling no pain. Realizing it was truly over, though, I immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. It was an incredibly emotional experience, but at the same time, it came with a sense of healing – not unlike the intense mourning and closure you feel at a funeral. Physically, I feel fine now. A little tired and crampy, but not any worse than normal period cramps. I’m bleeding some, but not as much as I expected. I took yesterday and today off from work to give myself some time to recover physically and emotionally, but I anticipate being able to return tomorrow with no problems.

At this point, I’m looking forward to moving on. The doctor gave us the clear to begin trying again after my period resumes, which should be 4 or 5 weeks from now. I started taking my temperature again this morning to track ovulation, since we’ll need to avoid conceiving this cycle. My temperature was 98.13, which is still on the high side, which means my progesterone is probably still elevated. I’m honestly looking forward to feeling non-pregnant again, which I hope will also help with the process of moving on. As of now, I still get nauseated from time to time, my boobs are still sore, and I’m still waking up multiple times per night to pee. It’s recommended to track the decline of your hormones via pregnancy tests, but I think I’ll hold off on checking one for at least a couple weeks. I think seeing a positive pregnancy test would be too emotional at this point. I’d much rather the next time I see a positive pregnancy test to be because of a baby I’m going to have, not one I lost.

As much as I am trying to look forward to moving on, I know the baby we lost will always be a part of us. Since we got married, D and I have kept a tradition, where each Christmas we get an ornament to commemorate something that most defined that year (our wedding, adopting our dog, buying our house, etc.) I came across this ornament the other day, and ordered it right away, as it’s so fitting. As much as I hate that this tragedy is the biggest event of our year, I do want to always remember our first baby, as he/she will forever be a part of us. I just hope next year’s ornament is to commemorate our first take home baby.