I was planning to test again this morning to see if the line got any darker. Of course, I caved and tested last night (who am I kidding?), and the line was still very faint, but definitely more prominent. I tested again this morning and it was even darker. So it appears this is it. Please, God, let it stick.
D is still acting very ambivalent about the whole thing. I confronted him about it again last night and he said he is just really hesitant to let himself get excited this time. I get that, I really do. I am feeling that way too. But I am really trying to be happy about this since worrying about the future won’t do me any good. Today I am pregnant, and today I love my baby. That’s the mantra I need to keep repeating.
I made a bunch of doctor’s appointments this morning, so it’s starting to feel real. I go in for a series of blood draws over the next several days to make sure my hCG levels are rising appropriately (they’re supposed to double every 48-72 hours). I’ll also get my progesterone tested to make sure it’s sufficient to sustain a pregnancy. If it’s low, they can start me on supplements right away. I’m just getting these blood draws done at the clinic that’s located in the same building where I work, and then they’ll send them over to my new OB.
Yes, a new OB. I’ve been rather frustrated with my current OB the last several times I’ve gone in. For one, the first thing she always says to me when she walks into the exam room is, “Have we met?” I’m sorry, but I’ve just had the worst year of my life and have been in to see you several times. If you can’t remember me, clearly you have too many patients, but the least you could do is take 5 seconds to look at my chart and see that I was just in a few months ago. She also just seemed really prescription happy without actually trying to solve the underlying problem, and she never seemed to be very supportive of me asking questions or discussing things. She always seemed really rushed. I think I’m just ready for a fresh start with someone new, and from what I’ve read online about this new doctor, I think it’s going to be a better personality fit. I have to go in for some mandatory workshop thing on September 20, then I have my first ultrasound on September 28 with the nurse practitioner, and then I see the new doctor for the first time at my 12 week appointment on October 22nd.
So, this is really happening! It’s still hard to believe, but I’m already feeling it, physically. I have frequent headaches, which is new. And, similar to last time, coffee doesn’t sound good, and the smell of dog food makes me barf, as I rediscovered this morning. I generally tend to be feeling my “morning sickness” more in the evenings this time around, though.
So, I took a test this morning and I might be pregnant.
Honestly, I’m not sure what to think. I promised myself this cycle I would actually wait for my period to show instead of testing early. I’m 10 DPO today, so it’s pretty early to be testing, but I have just not been feeling like myself lately. My allergies have been out of control and the Zyrtec is doing jack squat for that. I’ve also been really nauseated off and on the past couple days. So last night I laid out a test that I planned to take first thing this morning (it’s best when you’ve been holding your pee overnight). Of course, at 2 a.m. I woke up and had to pee. I made myself go back to sleep and had restless off and on sleep, complete with multiple dreams about peeing on tests, in one of which I got my period at the same time. Super.
Finally, I got up around 6:30 and took the test. I went back to bed for about 5 minutes to wait for it to develop, and then got up and looked at the test. Big Fat Negative. Of course. I almost threw it away, but then I looked again and I swore I saw just the faintest shadow of a line. I stared at it in different lights and the more I stared, the more I swore there was something there.
Can anyone else see the line or am I seeing things? (and please ignore the dirty sink – how embarrassing!)
I went back to bed and told D I think I might be pregnant… but that I wasn’t sure. His eyes popped open really wide and he said, “Really?” I then explained how I thought I saw a line, but it was so faint, but then again, they say a line is a line… I asked if he wanted to come look at it, and when he said, “not really,” I was pretty put off. Come on, this is a big deal! But then he said he was worried about getting his hopes up again.
I do understand his hesitation. First of all, I’m not even sure if it’s really a positive test. I’ve read about “evaporation lines” that look a lot like really faint positives. Even if it is positive, we’re painfully aware that a positive test doesn’t always result in a baby.
So many thoughts running through my head right now. I really hope I am pregnant, but if I am, I can already tell it’s going to be a lot different than last time. I’m sure part of my lack of excitement has to do with the uncertainty of whether it’s really a positive, but I also think I’m going to have a hard time getting excited until we get past that first ultrasound. I think I’m subconsciously protecting myself from the extent of the pain from last time.
Hopefully testing again tomorrow will show a more clear result. Until then, I’ll remain in limbo…
Oh my. So much has happened in the last few weeks, I’m not even sure where to begin. Let’s see, I started therapy, we bought a house, my dad had a heart attack (he’s okay now), we began the process of renting out our current house, and I officially started fertility treatments.
Maybe I should break this up into sections…
Therapy:
As I mentioned in my previous post, I decided to seek out therapy to help me cope with the grief I was still dealing with from the miscarriage, and the anxiety about having trouble conceiving again since. Due to my previous therapy experience, I was a little skeptical about the process, but also aware that I did need some help. We’ve had three sessions now and I like it so far. It’s not covered by insurance, so I hope it’s worth it. I guess time will tell…
House Stuff:
A little over two weeks ago, on Thursday, July 19, we went to go see a few houses we had seen online. The last one we saw on the tour was just about perfect: great curb appeal, amazing neighborhood, great schools, huge yard, very private – it was pretty much everything we had been looking for, and anything that wasn’t 100% perfect could be updated or changed. And since the neighborhood was so nice, we’d never worry about doing too many updates and pricing ourselves out of the neighborhood. We made the offer the next day, on Friday, and found out Saturday morning our offer was accepted. Holy crap, we just bought a house!
We knew we had a lot to do to get our current house ready to rent out, so we got to work on finally finishing up some home improvement projects we had either started or procrastinated on. We close on August 24, so we’re hoping to get a renter in starting September 1. We had two families come by to look at it last night, another coming tonight, and a couple more I’m trying to schedule for next week. Both families last night said they were interested and would be filling out an application. This is all happening so fast, but is very exciting!
Our new house!
Dad’s Heart Attack:
Last Monday, my mom called me at work to tell me my dad had had a heart attack. It was some of the worst news I’d ever heard, and I felt like my heart, too, had stopped when she told me. I quickly dashed out of the office, D picked me up from work and we drove all the way around to the peninsula to meet them at the hospital. He was in really bad shape when we got there, but stable. Apparently he had been walking into a meeting earlier that day when his heart just suddenly stopped and he collapsed. Thankfully he was surrounded by his competent medical team (he’s a doctor) when it happened. They performed about 5 minutes of chest compressions on him, before zapping him with the paddles, which finally brought him back. They rushed him to the hospital, where they determined he had two 90% blockages in his arteries. They put two stints in to open them up, which should be a permanent solution — that and meds he’ll need to stay on indefinitely to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
D and I went to see him last Thursday and he was home, talking, walking around, eating, and generally in good spirits. Hard to believe we were looking at someone whose heart had completely stopped just three days prior. He is still in a lot of pain, as he cracked some ribs during chest compressions, but he’s expected to make a full recovery, and we are so thankful. Thank God it happened where it did, and not while he was driving or something.
On the one hand, I’m glad we’re being proactive. Seeing the doctor was the first step in hopefully finally figuring out what’s wrong and getting pregnant already. On the other hand, I’m terrified. I can no longer reassure myself that “these things just take time,” or “it’ll happen any time now.” There’s a good chance something may actually be wrong. And that’s an overwhelming thought.
So to start, my doctor prescribed me 2.5 mg of Femara to take for 5 days. Femara is similar to the more well-known Clomid, in that it’s often used for women who don’t ovulate, but is also sometimes given to women who do ovulate (like me), to give ovulation a boost. Unlike Clomid, though, Femara tends to have fewer side effects and has less of a chance of turning you into an egg factory. Women on Clomid often have to be carefully monitored because they can actually produce too many eggs — and no one wants to be the next Octomom! Femara does have a slightly elevated risk of twins, but it’s so low it’s considered almost insignificant. Truth be told, in some ways I almost wouldn’t mind twins. I do want two kids, and this has been such an ordeal trying to get even one. If I could be one-and-done when it comes to pregnancy… I have to admit, that does have its appeal. Then again, with my miscarriage history, I am not interested in having a high-risk pregnancy, and multiples usually are. I’m pretty sure I’ll be a basket case when the time comes even with a normal pregnancy.
In addition to the Femara, D has to get his swimmers checked, and next month if I’m not knocked up yet, I’ll go in for what’s called a hysterosalpingogram, or HSG for short. This, I’m not looking forward to. They inject a dye in your uterus and then look at it through an ultrasound to see if there are any blockages, scar tissue, or other abnormalities. I’ve heard it’s pretty painful. Why do guys have it so easy? Look, I get that it’s awkward to have to walk into a clinic and do… that – but come on! Here I am, legs in stirrups, having this painful procedure done, while D is next door having an orgasm? Not fair.
Hopefully it won’t come to that and the Femara will do its job — without doing it too well. One would be great, two would be doable, but I don’t want a litter.
It’s taken me a while to come to this decision, but despite the fact that time does seem to be slowly healing the pain of the miscarriage, it’s only increasing the anxiety associated with trying (and failing) to conceive again. Each month that goes by without success has me more and more worried that there’s something wrong with me, and that perhaps this won’t ever happen… that conceiving the first time was just a fluke, or the miscarriage/D&C somehow effed up my body and I’ll never be the same.
The fear is all-consuming, and it’s permeating every area of my life. I’m distracted at work. I’m unmotivated to cook, clean the house or exercise. And hobbies of mine – things that used to make me happy, like home improvement projects and volunteering with dog rescue – have all but fallen by the wayside lately. I’m pretty sure I’m depressed. Ironically, I don’t necessarily feel “down,” per se — at least most of the time. I have a few hard days where I shed some tears each month when I realize I’m not pregnant, but overall my “mood” feels pretty normal, which is why it’s taken me so long to come to the conclusion that I might actually be depressed. I’d even go so far as to say I’m feeling pretty good right now. D and I just got back from a week-long stay at our lake cabin, which was both relaxing and a lot of fun. I’m also pretty sure I’m ovulating right now, which even has me feeling hopeful and optimistic about this cycle.
So anyway, tonight I have my first appointment with a therapist. I’m not really sure what to expect, and to be completely honest, my past experience with therapy hasn’t been all that great. D and I saw a marriage counselor several years ago to help us through a rough patch, and while our relationship did in fact get better, I attribute that more to the normal ebb and flow of the relationship – and the fact that he was so willing to go with me to therapy in the first place – than any “breakthroughs” or anything that came from the therapy itself. We eventually stopped going because we felt like our relationship was getting to a better place on its own, and were tired of shelling out $185 a week just to sit on a couch and have some lady stare at us. Seriously, we may as well have been talking to a stuffed animal. She rarely offered any insight and never initiated the conversation. It was always up to us to start talking. And by “us,” I mean “me.” D has never been much of a talker (communication was always our primary issue), and he would never start the conversations in any of our therapy sessions. And since the therapist didn’t give us any structure or guidance, I always felt like it was my responsibility to start talking. I even tested that theory one time and decided that just this once, I wouldn’t be the first to talk. Surely D or the therapist would start the conversation, right? Nope. 20 whole minutes went by where we all just stared at each other, before I finally exploded from the frustration. Yeah, super awkward, a huge waste of money — and only amplified my frustration with D’s lack of communication. Real helpful.
Long story short, you could say I’m a skeptic when it comes to therapy. But, I know people who swear by it, and whenever I tell someone the story of our past therapy experience, everyone tells me that you just have to find the right therapist. So I’m going into this with an open mind. I do like that this therapist specializes in pregnancy loss and fertility issues, and that she offers a free 30 minute initial consultation. So that’s what this is tonight – a trial, to see if this is going to be a good match before I decide if this is likely to be helpful or not.
Today was supposed to be my due date for my angel baby. I’ve been dreading this day for a while now, but surprisingly, I think I’m doing okay so far. As I was getting ready for work this morning I felt a sudden pang of sadness when I realized what today was, but other than that, I’m all right. Actually, last week was much harder on me, as my coworker who was due around the same time as us had his baby (a couple weeks early). While I’m so happy for them and can’t wait for them to bring their baby girl into the office for a visit, it’s impossible not to think about the fact that we should be having a baby right now and I had myself a good long cry last week.
But, like I said, I think I’m doing okay. And while the day isn’t over yet, I think the anticipation of today was much worse than the day itself. I even found myself whimsically browsing baby names websites last night while in front of the TV and dreaming about our next baby. I think I’ve started to round a corner where I’m dreaming more about the future than mourning the past. And I think taking a step back from being obsessive has helped me out a lot. As I mentioned in my last post, I gave up ovulation tests, obsessive internetting, any special foods, drinks or herbs that are supposed to help with fertility, and only tracked my temperature until I could confirm ovulation and start my progesterone pills prescribed by my doc. I’m excited to say that I ovulated Monday and so I have put the thermometer away… hopefully for good this time. I’m going to try my very hardest not to think about how many “DPO” (days past ovulation) I am throughout this part of my cycle and to not allow myself to even think about peeing on a pregnancy test until Sunday, the 24th at the earliest. I even had a beer last night and am trying to just live my life without putting it on hold for what may or may not be right now.
Oh, and I got the results back from the bloodwork I had done with my regular doc (mentioned here) and everything is normal. No thyroid issues, no low Vitamin D and apparently I have “excellent” cholesterol. So, with a clean bill of health and our due date behind us, I feel both physically and emotionally ready – now more than ever. Bring on the baby.
I’ll admit, I’m taking it pretty hard. Why was it so easy to get pregnant the first time, and now it’s not? I know 4 months isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things, and is still in the realm of normal, but we’ve had great timing each month, I know I’m ovulating, and I know since we’re capable of getting pregnant that there’s no reason to believe there’s anything wrong with D’s swimmers. So what’s the hold up?
I decided to give my doctor a call to see what she thinks. She pretty much confirmed what I suspected – that 4 months isn’t anything to worry about. But she did say she wants to see me if we aren’t pregnant in two more months, and to go ahead and make an appointment (I can always cancel if we get pregnant before then). This makes me feel a little better. At least I feel like we have a plan of action and we’re not just sitting around until September (a year from when we originally started trying) or November (when we had our loss). I know most doctors make you try for a year before they start doing any testing, and I’m not sure whether that year starts from when you originally started trying, or if the calendar resets after a loss. Either way, it’s not like I’m expecting my doctor to do extensive testing or anything after six months, but hopefully she can at least rule out any complications from the miscarriage or the D&C as culprits.
In the meantime, I’ve set up an appointment with my general doctor for a regular whole body physical, just to make sure I’m healthy otherwise. I know I tested low for Vitamin D a couple years ago and never got my levels re-checked after starting treatment. There has been some research linking low levels of Vitamin D to miscarriage, so this is definitely something I want to rule out. I’m also a little concerned about hypothyroidism after reading something about low temperatures being linked to it. Not that I’m looking for problems (though I’ll be the first to admit I can be a bit of a hypochondriac), but I think if nothing else, it would be good for my peace of mind to know that I’m healthy and that there’s nothing going on with my body that’s keeping me from getting or staying pregnant.
So I have my general physical scheduled for June 4 – a little over a week away, and then a little over two months until my OB appointment on August 2. With any luck, I don’t even end up needing my appointment with my OB. But at least I feel like I’m being proactive and taking charge in the meantime.
Yep, it’s the mind fetus again (as mentioned here and here).
This time it’s more convincing than ever, and it’s taking me every ounce of willpower not to take a test, but it’s still probably too early so I am hoping to wait a few more days. So what’s so different about this time? First of all, I woke up this morning around 5:30 a.m. completely STARVING. I’m never hungry in the mornings, though when I was pregnant, I was hungry every time I woke up. Then, I got up and when I went to feed the dogs, I started gagging and dry heaving from the smell of dog food. Again, only time that’s ever happened was last time I was pregnant! Oh, and to top it off, once I got into the office, I just could not make myself drink my coffee – it just sounded really terrible to me. Another thing that’s only happened to me during pregnancy.
Argh. I’m driving myself crazy. I’m only about 8 or 9 days past ovulation, which is still probably too early to test, and if it’s too early to test, it’s too early to be having symptoms. Did you hear that, self? If it’s too early to test, it’s too early to be having symptoms. Yet, I can’t just ignore what I’m feeling, because it’s very real. On the other hand, the mind is a powerful thing, and I’m sure it’s possible that on some subconscious level, I could be willing myself into these symptoms just because I want to be pregnant again so badly.
Needless to say, time will be crawling by until next Wednesday, which is the date I’m aiming to hold off on testing for. 5 more days. Can I do this?
Even after all that mind fetus, it turned out to be just that… all in my mind.
It’s hard to take the disappointment month after month, especially since it was so easy the first time. I know we’ve only been at this for three cycles now post-loss, and the average time it takes a couple to conceive is six months, but the fact that it happened so easily the first time is what’s making this harder on me personally. I know what my body was capable of before, and for whatever reason it’s not cooperating now. Each month that passes us by makes me a little more worried that it might never happen at all. I know I’m premature in jumping to those conclusions, but still, I worry…
So this cycle I am vowing to try to worry less and to take care of myself a little more. I know I’m stressing about this, and while I absolutely HATE the advice to “just relax,” I do believe there’s some truth to stress and its interference with conception. I downloaded a series of meditation podcasts that are specifically geared toward those trying to conceive. It’s 15 minutes a day for 28 days, with each podcast geared toward where you are in your cycle. It’s more money than I would normally spend on “hippie witchcraft” as my dear husband so lovingly calls this sort of thing, but I’m willing to give it a shot. The upside is that after listening to the first introductory podcast this morning, I really DID feel relaxed, and even had the motivation to go to yoga later.
Speaking of yoga, I know I’ve made this vow a thousand times before, but I really DO hope to get to yoga more often over this next cycle. I’ve been so busy with our bathroom remodel that I haven’t had much free time at all, but the remodel should be wrapping up soon, and I really do find yoga both challenging and relaxing when I do go. The exercise component is good for me physically, and the meditation aspect of yoga really forces me to relax too. I also like how by pushing myself to become better in my yoga practice, I find myself inspired by what my body CAN do… instead of focusing on what it’s not doing right now.
I’m trying really hard not to give in to the mind fetus (as originally mentioned here), but alas, here I am in the two week-wait, ovar-analyzing every symptom again. The latest? A voracious appetite. I’ve seriously never experienced anything like this before – seemingly, I cannot get full, no matter what I eat!
Exhibit A: on Saturday after finishing tiling the bathroom floor, I helped myself to a very large piece of leftover lasagna. That alone would have been way more than enough to make me feel full before, but did I stop there? Nope. I immediately followed it with a second equally large piece. Hubby got home a while later and opened the refrigerator and asked where the lasagna was. Sheepishly, I admitted I finished it. He didn’t believe me. That’s how much there was! Of course, then he had to throw out an, “I’m not even mad – that’s amazing” (a la Ron Burgundy). The sad part is, I wasn’t even full.
Exhibit B: Then, last night, after finishing tiling the shower stall (yes, it was a full weekend of tiling goodness), D and I went out to dinner. I proceeded to finish my dinner and eat half of his. We got into the car and he said it hurt to sit down he was so full. Me? I could have kept eating!
Of course, it could have been ANYTHING causing this appetite change – from the hormonal supplements my doctor has me on to the fact that (hello!) I had just spent all weekend tiling and had probably worked up a decent appetite. But my mind naturally went back to the crazy appetite I had with last pregnancy. That was slightly different — back then, I didn’t eat a lot at a time, just got hungry every couple hours. Now, I seem to have a bottomless pit for a stomach. But still… I’d be lying if I said the thought didn’t cross my mind — along with the subsequent urge to go pee on a test. But I promised myself I wouldn’t test until tomorrow at the earliest. Tomorrow is our anniversary, and while I’ll only be 9 days post-ovulation (still pretty early to test), it would be so cool to be able to share that good news with D tomorrow.
Unfortunately, I’m also heading to Boston tomorrow for work, so getting a positive test means I’d have to somehow dodge the inevitable team cocktails. (Not that I’ve never had to fake or make an excuse for drinking before!). In all likelihood, even if I am knocked up this cycle, tomorrow will be too soon to tell. By going out of town (and purposefully not packing any pregnancy tests), I’ll force myself to at least wait until Thursday, which will be 11DPO. Still early for testing purposes, but much more likely to be accurate. In some ways I’m hoping tomorrow’s test is negative (but that I get a positive later this week). If I’m still testing negative I’ll feel okay with having a single glass of wine with coworkers, whereas I just couldn’t do it if I knew I was pregnant, even though logically I know it wouldn’t affect anything that early (you don’t even start sharing anything with the baby until around 6 weeks). Plus, we’re giving a pretty big presentation on Wednesday and I just know I’ll be totally distracted if I know I’m pregnant. If not for our anniversary, I would absolutely wait to test when I get back. But I want so badly to be able to give D this news for our anniversary. Not to mention, he definitely noticed the appetite thing and I’m sure he’s hoping that’s the reason too!
4/17 update: Negative test this morning, which was disappointing, but I know it’s still very early so I haven’t lost hope yet. On the upside, I was able to enjoy a guilt-free beer with my coworkers this evening in Boston. Interestingly, my boss also commented on how he was impressed with how much I was able to eat at dinner! 😐
Welp, cycle #2 of trying to conceive after our loss is a bust, and I’m having a really hard time with it. I know it’s normal for it not to happen so quickly — that it takes the average couple six months, and blah, blah, blah — but it doesn’t make it any easier. Especially since it did happen so quickly the first time around. I’d heard pregnancy changes your body, even if you don’t carry to term, and I’m definitely seeing evidence to support this (I’m getting new PMS symptoms I’ve never had before, while some of the old standbys are nonexistent), so I can’t help but wonder if one of these changes is that I’m simply less fertile than I was before? People keep saying, “at least you know you can get pregnant.” Correction: I know I could get pregnant before… who knows whether I can now? I know, it’s only been two cycles and I’m being dramatic. Hey, it’s what I do best. But I just can’t help my mind from wandering to worst case scenario, and I’m quickly learning that this time of the month — when I know it’s not happening this cycle — is always going to be a dark time for me. I’ll probably feel more optimistic in a week…
I just hate that as more time passes, I get more anxious and more depressed about the whole thing. I’m now realizing that if we don’t get pregnant within the next two cycles, I won’t be pregnant for our original due date in June, and I think I’ll simply break if that day comes and my uterus is still empty. I know this added stress doesn’t help any, but it’s not like there’s much I can do about it. Which reminds me of another thing I hate: people telling me to relax, and it’ll happen. Um, sure. I’ll just snap my fingers and relax. Why didn’t I think of that before? Can we please circulate a manual of what not to say to people in this situation? Because I’m pretty sure telling a woman with pregnancy/fertility issues to relax is about the most aggravating thing you can say.
Scratch that – the most aggravating thing someone has said to me, was last night when I told my acupuncturist that it was looking like this cycle was a bust and she responded with, “I’m glad.” Seriously?! I wanted to throat punch her. She has been trying to convince me since our loss to wait a few cycles before trying again, even though we got the green light from my doctor after one (very long) cycle. I had been very firm with her that we did not plan to wait any longer than M-E-D-I-C-A-L-L-Y necessary. While I do believe in the holistic benefits of acupuncture and have seen it help me in many ways, I think it should complement western medicine, not replace it, and in areas where there’s discrepancy, you’d better believe I’m going to side with my doctor. I know she means well, but professional opinions aside, who says that? Who tells a woman who is still grieving the loss of her baby and wants nothing more in this world to be pregnant again that it’s good that she hasn’t succeeded yet? I did tell her that her comment really upset me, and she apologized, but still… Thankfully, we’re on the same page regarding trying next cycle, otherwise I think I’d have to find a new acupuncturist. I just can’t be around people who can’t support me right now. I don’t need that added stress.
Wow, this post turned into a giant bitchfest. Well, onto cycle #3. Here’s hoping third time’s a charm…
I’m trying really hard not to give in to the mind fetus (as originally mentioned 
Keeping up with the Hoffmans 