Category: pregnancy, week-by-week

Another week down. Only 26 more to go!

This past week has been a little bit trying for me. Our last appointment was two weeks ago, and we don’t have another one for three more weeks. Time is just crawling by, and I’m still scared of what could go wrong. Even though I know we’re past the riskiest part, I can’t shake the fear of something happening to the baby, and me just walking around oblivious for another three weeks without any clue.

I suppose that’s partially because today is the anniversary of our loss, and that’s what happened last time. Any sort of miscarriage is rough, but when you have a “missed miscarriage” like I did, it adds a whole new level of doubt and insecurity to the pain of losing the baby. For example, I feel fine right now. I feel pregnant. I have no symptoms of anything being wrong. But I didn’t really last time either. In fact, I was still getting morning sickness even after we found out the baby had died. Therefore, I feel insecure. I don’t trust the fact that I feel fine, because how I felt meant nothing last time.

So, I broke down a couple days ago and ordered a fetal doppler. It’s the same type of machine they use in the doctor’s office to check for a heartbeat. Ironically, it’s due to arrive tonight, on the anniversary of finding no heartbeat. I sure hope I can find a heartbeat tonight. I really resisted buying a doppler for the longest time because I didn’t want to drive myself crazy, or give myself anything else to obsess over. I was also afraid that I’d flip out if I couldn’t find the heartbeat easily, or would overanalyze things if it seemed slower than last time. But … I broke down. I couldn’t wait 3 more weeks to know if everything was fine with the baby – especially since I’ll be flying out for a work event the very next day. I don’t even know what I’d do if we got to that appointment and there was no heartbeat. It would be too late to change travel plans, but could I really go on that trip, knowing I had lost another baby? At least this way, best case scenario I get to listen to the heartbeat sooner and I go into our next appointment with no surprises. Worst case scenario, we get our bad news sooner and not just before I have to fly. It’s a horrible way of thinking, but I’ve come to realize this is my new reality. I’ll never get the experience of a blissful carefree pregnancy, and while I know everyone worries to some extent, I know firsthand just how much it hurts to lose a baby and that will forever stay with me.

Wow, that wasn’t very uplifting, was it? Let’s focus on some of the more positive stuff.

At 14 weeks…

Baby is about the size of an orange, and its body is growing to be more and more in more proportion with its head. By the end of the week, its arms should be in proportion to the body too, though the legs still have some growing to do. This week it should be sucking its thumb, wiggling its toes and peeing! Yes, peeing! It’s strange to think that the baby just recycles the amniotic fluid while in utero – swallows it, pees it out and then swallows it again. Sort of gross, but I guess that’s how things work, and it’s good baby is practicing those bodily functions! Baby is also punching and kicking up a storm, even though I can’t feel it yet. I absolutely cannot wait to feel movement. I really think that will help put a lot of my fears at ease.

Mama is about the same. Still haven’t totally stopped being nauseated like everyone says I should be at this point, but at least the majority of the morning sickness seems truly relegated to the morning (unlike the “all day sickness” many pregnant women experience). I do still gag when I smell cigarette smoke, and my appetite is still a little funky, but overall, I’m feeling okay. One interesting symptom I just realized is that I’m very clumsy! We’ve had the same set of dishes since we got married in 2004 and I’ve never broken one, until a couple weeks ago, and now I’ve broken two. I looked it up today and sure enough, clumsiness is a pregnancy symptom. Has to do with hormones and loosening joints or something. Weird.

I’m showing a little bit, but not as much as I thought I would be by now. I kind of wish I was showing more for a couple reasons. One, it would be wonderful to be done with this “is she fat or is she pregnant” stage. I’m looking pretty chubby, even though I’ve only gained maybe a pound so far. More importantly, I think looking pregnant might make me feel more pregnant, and would help to ease my fears some more. I truly do wonder when I’ll reach a point where I’m no longer scared of something going wrong. I’m starting to think that might not be until baby is safe in my arms.

Only 26 more weeks…

11/8 update: I found the heartbeat last night with my new doppler! It took me a few minutes to locate it, as it was lower than I thought it would be, but I found it! Beating away at 161 BPM. What a beautiful sound. 🙂

Wow. I never thought I’d make it to 12 weeks! We had our doctor’s appointment this morning, and everything went great. We heard the heartbeat for the first time, which was the most beautiful sound at 150 beats per minute. We opted out of getting the nuchal translucency scan/first trimester screening, for reasons I’ll go into in another post, and our doctor was very supportive of our decision. Overall I feel really good about things, so now we get to let the cat out of the bag – yikes!

At 12 weeks…

Baby now has reflexes — if I poke my belly, my baby will wiggle in response, even though I can’t feel it yet. (resisting the urge to pester my son/daughter…) He/she can also make fists, curl toes, squint and grimace. Also, the intestines, which have been too large for its belly and living partially in the umbilical cord, will start migrating to the abdomen this week. Kidneys will also start producing urine. Baby is about the size of a small plum this week.

Mama should be starting to feel better, according to most books and websites. Um, yeah right. Morning sickness has gotten worse, actually. I still get frequent headaches, and my allergies are out of control too. I think some of the bloat from early pregnancy may be subsiding, though I still have a small hard raised portion in my lower abdomen, and a bit of a squishy belly/spare tire thing going on above that, which I’m assuming is my guts getting pushed out of the way by my growing ute, which is about the size of a small melon already. Definitely just look like I had too many cheeseburgers, even though I haven’t seen any change on the scale yet.

I feel like I can finally breathe a little. I am still scared of something going wrong, but I know the odds are in our favor at this point, and now that we’re starting to tell people, it feels real, like this might actually happen! We told D’s dad today, we’ll tell his mom tomorrow night at dinner, and I’ll tell work tomorrow morning – yikes! I’m super nervous about that part!

Image via alphamom.com

I’m in the double digits! Only two weeks until our 12 week appointment and we can start telling more people. I’m still terrified every day, but things seem to be going well, so I’m feeling cautiously optimistic.

At 10 weeks…

Baby is about the size of a prune now  – about an inch and a quarter long. This week, baby is growing fingernails and toenails, and is also starting to grow peach fuzz all over its body. The yolk sac is disappearing, and vital organs are kicking into high gear. Baby can also now bend its joints, including elbows, wrists and knees, and the arms and legs may even be long enough to meet in front of the body.

Mama is getting bigger. I still haven’t seen much of a change on the scale, but there’s no sucking in the belly anymore. I know I won’t technically be “showing” for a couple more weeks at least, but whether it’s bloat or guts being moved around, there’s no denying the round pot belly I’m sporting. It seems to have gotten significantly bigger just in these last few days. On Sunday I went and bought myself a nice pair of jeans in a bigger size. I know I won’t be able to wear them for much longer, but I’ll be able to wear them on the other side when I’m working on losing the baby weight, so that’s how I justified the purchase. Plus, I just feel kind of gross about my body right now, so it was nice to buy something I feel good in. I also bought myself a belly band – a thin band of stretchy fabric that lets me wear my regular pants unbuttoned and just looks like a tank top or cami peeking out the bottom of my shirts. I wore it all day yesterday and I have to say it was pretty comfortable!

Other than the belly changes, everything else seems pretty much the same – nausea/gagging in the mornings (and sometimes the evenings) with waves throughout the day, frequent headaches, sore boobs, peeing all the time, constant hunger but smaller appetite, etc. Oh, one thing that’s new is that I suddenly don’t like bacon. I know, WHAT?! Who doesn’t like bacon? Actually, I think this aversion may have began a few weeks ago, when I had a craving for a spinach and bacon salad. After I made it, the bacon dressing tasted funny to me. I chalked it up to the fact that it was a new recipe and not my mom’s, and forgot about it, until yesterday. We went out to breakfast and I ordered this scramble and weirdly found myself thinking it would be so much better without bacon. I didn’t think much of it until I had the leftovers for breakfast this morning and was downright repulsed by the bacon in it. Now, just the thought of bacon grosses me out. So weird. Usually I love bacon. Ick. I need to stop typing that word. Think about fruit instead. Mmmm… fruit.

Well, we weren’t supposed to have our first ultrasound until the 28th. But a brief scare Sunday night led to an early look at our baby Monday morning. First things first, baby is fine! Measuring 3 days smaller than I thought it should (6 weeks 5 days, instead of 7 weeks 1 day), but the nurse practitioner said their equipment has  a margin of error of +/-4 days, so she wasn’t worried. The best part was we got to see a heartbeat! We never got to see that last time. The nurse estimated it was probably beating around 140-160 beats per minute, which is right where it should be.

Meet Baby Hoffman:

So, the back story:

Sunday night, just before bed, I noticed a small amount of blood. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough for me to freak the eff out. I know some spotting can be totally normal, but I also know it can be the first sign of something wrong. Since I had a small amount of spotting with my last pregnancy, I was really scared. I cried myself to sleep, tossed and turned all night, and was wide awake super early the next morning.

I called the doctor as soon as they opened, and they agreed to see us at 9:50 that morning. I was so nervous sitting in the waiting room, and then again sitting in the exam room waiting for the nurse practitioner. It seemed to take forever. As soon as I saw the heartbeat flicker, I instantly started hyperventilating. I was relieved, shocked and just a whole bunch of other emotions all at once. The NP had to remind me to breathe, and said that everything looked exactly as it should. No idea where the bleeding had come from, but it had stopped by that point anyway. She told me that a little bit of bleeding wasn’t anything to be worried about, but that she also understood how scary pregnancy can be after a miscarriage, and that if at any time I didn’t feel comfortable with something I could always come in to be checked out. I have to say, I am really liking my new doctor’s office so far. So, I get to go back in on the 28th for my normally scheduled appointment. As scared as I was for the bleeding episode I’m glad we got a sneak peek at the baby, and that I only have to wait 10 more days to see our baby again.

With that long intro out of the way, here’s what’s happening at 7 weeks…

Baby has doubled in size since last week and is now about the size of a blueberry. The big news this week is that baby is growing hands and feet, though they look more like paddles at this point. The tail is rapidly disappearing, making the baby look even more human than last week.

Mama is feeling pretty much the same, physically: tired, nauseated, bloated occasional headaches. The only new thing this week really was the bleeding. Emotionally, I think I’m finally starting to feel a little more excited, after seeing the baby’s heartbeat. D didn’t seem very reassured by the ultrasound and says he’s still scared. Maybe it’s because we’re only about 7 weeks along, and that’s the point where our baby died last time, discovered at 8 weeks. If we can get past this 8 week ultrasound (which will actually end up being closer to 9 weeks), maybe then he’ll start to feel a little more confident. I’m definitely ready to start getting excited about this pregnancy and really look forward to the day D is too.

As of today, I am 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I’m still feeling sort of “blah” about the whole thing. It just doesn’t feel real yet, and I think I’m just subconsciously waiting for something to go wrong. When I look back at where I was this time last pregnancy, it makes me sad. I was so full of hope and dreams about the future. I loved my baby. This time… I just don’t see a future yet, if I’m completely honest. I don’t really feel any sort of a bond yet, but I think that’s just because I’m scared. D and I don’t really talk much about it either because he’s having a hard time getting excited too. It just makes me sad that we were robbed of what should be such an exciting time in our lives. I really hope that once we make it past our first appointment and ultrasound we’ll be able to feel more excited. 17 more days.

In the meantime, at 6 weeks…

Baby is approximately 1/4 inch long – about the size of a small pea. It’s forming a face this week, including eyes, ears, nose and chin. It’s morphing into the shape of a shrimp, with little nubs where the arms and legs will be. Still looks pretty alien at this point, but is on its way to looking somewhat human-ish!

Mama is more nauseated than ever. I remember last time, this was about the point where the morning sickness kicked up a notch, too. These last couple weeks I’ve had a little nausea very first thing in the morning and sometimes late at night – and have only actually gotten sick a handful of times in the morning – and most of that was in the very beginning when we first found out. I’ve thrown up the last three days in a row now, though, and now this morning, the nausea doesn’t seem to be going away and it’s after 10 a.m. As long as I don’t yak in front of my coworkers or on the bus, I’m okay with that, though. I’ll deal with any discomfort or inconvenience if it means I get to keep my baby.

The good news is, I haven’t had any spotting yet (knock on wood), which is something that had started up by this time the last time. I know some spotting is considered normal, but you better believe I’ll be headed straight for the hospital should I see even the tiniest drop of blood this time.

Another thing that’s new this time has been my horrible skin! With last pregnancy, my skin was clear and I felt like I had that whole “glow” thing going on. This time, not so much. It’s like I’m a teenager again.

Definitely still feeling like a fatty and am loving that the weather is cooling, making way for fall sweaters. My boobs are on fire as well, and I’m just about ready for a new bra. Trying to put that off as long as possible, though! In general, I’m sort of putting off anything that makes it feel more real until we know things are going the way they should. Just 17 more days…

I’m a couple days late on this week’s update. As of Sunday, I was officially 5 weeks pregnant. Time seems to be going by quicker than last time in some ways, yet crawling by in other ways. I think all the house stuff we’ve been doing has been a welcome distraction and has made time go by faster, but the extra worry I’m feeling this time around has made time go by slower. I don’t think it’ll really feel real to me until we can get past the first ultrasound and hear the heartbeat. As much as I’m trying not to worry and to just enjoy this pregnancy, deep down I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

This week…

Baby is about the size of an apple seed and resembles a tadpole. He/she is beginning to grow a heart, circulatory system and kidneys. The neural tube is also under construction this week, which will eventually become the brain and spinal cord.

Mama is super moody lately. I’ve gotten really cranky with D several times. Thankfully he seems to be pretty understanding about it and is the first to come over and give me a hug instead of fighting back when I snap at him. Other than the moodiness, I’m just really queasy often and have had intermittent headaches. Feels a lot like a hangover, actually — you know, if hangovers lasted weeks on end. Still peeing a lot, and the boobs have gotten extra sore just in the last few days. I have completely kicked my coffee habit, which I’m really proud of, and I’ve been eating pretty healthily lately. I’m craving fruit (especially peaches), but chocolate and other sugary sweet stuff doesn’t sound good to me.

We told my parents and my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, which was exciting. They were all really excited and asked a lot of questions, which made it feel more real. We had D’s mom, sister and brother-in-law over yesterday to see the new house, but D isn’t ready to tell them yet, so we didn’t. I didn’t have a beer when everyone else did, and was the only one who didn’t drink coffee either, but either no one noticed or they just decided not to say anything. We went to a friend’s BBQ on Sunday night and I made a little more of an effort to fake drinking since the people there definitely would have noticed. I just carried around a beer the whole evening but didn’t drink it – seemed to do the trick just fine, but I was so thirsty by the end of the night! Looking forward to just being out with people, but that won’t happen until after our 12 week appointment.