Yes, I know the title of my blog is a play on the reality show about the Kardashians, but that doesn’t mean I actually like any of them. I think they’re all obnoxious, self-centered and whiny. But a quote I read yesterday from Kourtney just sealed the deal. Apparently, Kourtney is nine weeks pregnant with baby number two by that d-bag Scott. And she thought nine weeks was a great time to announce it to the world. But what about waiting until the second trimester to announce like most people do? In her words:
“You’re supposed to wait until 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident.”
Oh I see… so confidence would have kept my baby alive? Good to know for next time. Maybe I’m over-sensitive these days, but comments like this just seem like a slap to the face for people who have suffered a loss.
Now, I wouldn’t wish the pain I’ve been through on my worst enemy, so I truly hope she has a healthy pregnancy and baby. But could you even imagine how that fame-seeking family would exploit a miscarriage? Disgusting.
My earlier worries turned out to be unfounded, and I had a wonderful time with family at Thanksgiving. Truly a relief, and just what I needed after all the emotional turmoil we’ve been through these last few weeks. I think accepting a drink early in the day helped subtly establish right away that I was clearly not pregnant, which effectively squashed any questions before they could start. I did worry that someone would ask a seemingly innocent question about our plans for starting a family, but thankfully, the topic didn’t come up. Instead, we had a wonderful time, full of great food, games with the family and laughing to the point of tears on more than one occasion. I can’t even describe how good it felt to cry from laughter instead of sadness.
Today we had D’s dad and step-mom over for dinner. It was a bittersweet day, since we had originally invited them over with the intention of telling them about the pregnancy. We had told them we wanted them to see all the work we’ve done on the house. After losing the baby, we didn’t want to rescind the invitation, so we had to get through today with a smile, all the while painfully aware of what this day was supposed to have been. Despite this, we did have a very nice time with them, and it really was fun to show them everything we’ve done on the house.
Tomorrow is Apple Cup – another day that should be fun, but will carry with it the burden that it should have been more, because it’s the day we had planned to tell our friends about the pregnancy. I even bought a t-shirt that says “Future Coug” with an arrow pointing to the belly. Instead of wearing that shirt tomorrow, it will remain at the bottom of a drawer until who knows when. I know tomorrow will be a lot of fun, but I also know a part of me will be a little sad at the same time.
I suppose one of the downfalls of being such a planner is that when things don’t work out as I had planned, certain would-be milestones – like when we had planned to tell people – just become painful reminders of our loss. But despite the horrific past few weeks we’ve had, these past couple days have made me realize we truly do have much to be thankful for. I love my family. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and has been my rock through this whole ordeal. We have a home that we’ve worked hard to make something we can be proud of. And we have great friends who will undoubtedly make tomorrow a memorable day – even if it’s not the memory I had planned.
Today I am 9 or 10 days past ovulation. Probably too early to test, but has that stopped me from testing every morning for the last three days? Of course not!
Naturally, they were all negative. Even if I am knocked up, it probably won’t show up until at least 12-13 DPO. I am well aware of this. So why do I put myself through the torture when I know it’s probably too early? Because A) I am impatient; B) I am impatient; and C) I ordered myself a pack of 25 tests from Amazon for just $5. Considering most drug store brand tests are around $15 for a 2-pack, I’m not too worried about (literally) pissing my money away. Plus, although it’s pretty rare, I have heard of someone getting a positive test at 6 DPO, which means it could totally happen to me… right?
I just hate not knowing. I’m well aware it could take a while, so I’m okay if it doesn’t happen this month. I just want to know already.
So, just like last month, in order to (attempt to) keep my mind off things, I’m making a list of what I’m looking forward to if it turns out this isn’t our month.
Hot Yoga. Um, yeah. You may recall this was also on last month’s list. I never did get around to going to any classes. But this time for reals…
House projects! Again, more stuff that was on last month’s list. Specifically, this month I want to get the office/guest room finished, and I’d really like to paint the bookcase and futon frame (which we’re picking up tonight!). Both will have to be sanded and primed before painting, and I’d feel much better about doing those things without worrying so much about dust and fumes. If I’m feeling extra ambitious, I may also tackle painting or staining the coffee and end tables in our living room. We got new couches with dark wood accents and the lighter stain on the rest of the furniture doesn’t quite go. But again, this will require sanding down the old stuff, which could get messy. It’s looking like the second bathroom may have to wait until November, which, if this isn’t our month, will work out better anyway. If it is, I will just have to be careful about going up and down the stairs at night, or we may have to temporarily move to the guest room. Good thing we’re getting that finished now!
Halloween. I love, love, love Halloween. And our friends are throwing their annual bash, which was so much fun last year. Not that being pregnant would prevent me from attending the party, but I’d have to be sneaky about the drinking part. Then again, even if this isn’t our month, Halloween will likely fall during next cycle’s “two week wait.” So I won’t want to party too hard. Even though my doctor says, “drink till it’s pink” – meaning, drink until that positive pregnancy test (you don’t start sharing anything with the baby until about 6 weeks anyway) – I have refrained from drinking excessively since we started trying. Of course, once I get that positive test, I will stop altogether. Bottom line, it’s much easier to nurse a beer for a couple hours in an attempt to not drink too much than it is to hide not drinking altogether!
I’ll probably keep testing every morning until I get a positive or a period – the beauty of Internet cheapies! Still have my fingers crossed for a positive test, but either way, I’ll know in a few days, which is a relief in itself.
I am officially in the dreaded “two week wait.” We’ve done all we can do this cycle and now we just have to wait for either a positive test or my period to show up. Unlike last month, I am going to (at least try to) promise myself not to over-analyze every little symptom, especially since we may not have timed things as well as we could have this cycle. If Fertility Friend is right and I did indeed ovulate on Saturday, then it’s giving us a “low” timing score. On the other hand, if ovulation happened on Sunday like I suspect it may have, our timing score is “good,” according to FF. But there’s really no way to know since I slept in and didn’t take my temperature Sunday morning because I was too tired from my brother’s wedding the night before (and since I had quite a bit to drink, my temp would have probably been artificially elevated anyway). I did get a positive result on my ovulation predictor kit on Sunday afternoon, which is also what makes me think ovulation may have happened Sunday, not Saturday. Then again, I read online that you can actually get a positive the day after ovulation. OPKs confuse me and are starting to seem sort of pointless. I mean, what’s the purpose of using them to predict ovulation, if you can get a positive after the fact? They were given to me by a friend after she successfully got pregnant and didn’t need them anymore. I’m thinking I won’t waste the money on buying more once they run out. I think I get just as good, if not better clues as to when I’m about to ovulate just by being familiar with how my body behaves each month. Plus, in order to be most accurate, you’re supposed to test twice a day – and not in first thing in the morning – which means I’d have to test at work!! No, thank you!
Speaking of the wedding, it was fantastic! Such a fun day and I couldn’t be happier for my brother and his wife. It’s also strange to think about how a big part of our baby timeline revolved around getting past the wedding and festivities. It always felt so far away, but now that it’s come and gone, there really isn’t anything holding us back from making this next leap. Scary and exciting at the same time.
In other exciting news, our good friends just had a baby Monday night, so yesterday we went to go visit them in the hospital. I have to admit, seeing D hold a baby was pretty darn cute. It was also a strange feeling to hold her and think that this could be us in less than a year. Wow. Of course, after posting the pictures on Facebook we got the expected “You’re a natural!” and “Maybe it’s about time you two had one!” comments.
I don’t even know what to think anymore, besides the fact that my body is throwing me for a loop and my tendency to overanalyze is only making things worse. For the past week or so, something has just felt “off.” And despite the fact that I promised myself I wouldn’t test until my period was actually late, I gave in and tested last Friday. Negative. Nope, not pregnant. Must have been all in my head… right? Well, it was pretty early… maybe too early to know? Okay, I decided (this time for reals) that I would wait it out. If my period didn’t show by Tuesday, I would test again. Of course, I have no willpower and tested again on Monday. Negative again. While part of me was beginning to accept the result, part of me wondered if maybe it was still too early to know for sure. After all, I was still only 10 days past ovulation, and most home pregnancy tests have only a 35% accuracy rate at that stage. Not to mention I was still not quite feeling like myself. Well, late Monday night I got a more convincing confirmation to the negative: what appeared to be the start of my period. While I can’t deny that I was disappointed, it was a relief just to know already. I was so ready to finally get off this crazy train, for at least another month.
Or so I thought. The next day, my “special friend” was gone.
Huh?! So now, thanks to Google (which gives me access to way more information than a crazy hypochondriac like me should be allowed), my latest theory is that maybe I experienced phenomenon known as “implantation bleeding.” Some women experience some light bleeding they mistake for a period, but it’s really just the fertilized egg burrowing in, something that usually happens around 6-12 days after ovulation. Additionally, some women experience a drop in basal temperature at implantation, and Tuesday morning’s temperature drop also supports that theory. Then again, your temp is also supposed to drop as you approach your period. The difference is, your temperature is supposed to drop and stay low during your period, whereas it would dip and then jump back up again if it was an ovulation dip. To make things more complicated, today’s temperature jumped up a little, but not back to where it was, so I’m even more confused than ever.
So what now? I guess I just have to wait… either for my period to show up again and chalk it up to a weird body fluke, or if it doesn’t show by tomorrow, test again. Bah…
9/8 update: Today marks 13 days past ovulation. Negative pregnancy test this morning. Temps have taken a dive and are now around my pre-ovulatory temps. Still no sign of my period and I’m even more confused than ever!
9/9 update: Temps were even lower this morning, but I FINALLY started my period (let’s hope it sticks around this time). At this point I’m over being disappointed about not being pregnant – I’m just glad to finally know that I can move on to the next cycle – the cycle we were supposed to start trying anyway. Bonus: no drink fakeouts required at the bachelorette party and wedding! This also means I had a 13 day luteal phase this cycle, which is great news, as that’s more in the normal range.
As I mentioned previously, since we had my IUD removed a month earlier than planned, we were going to be careful for a month before trying. Well… let’s just say we weren’t very diligent about that plan just once, and that “just once” ended up being on the day I ovulated. What do they say about the best laid plans again? Anyway, here I am, 6 days post-ovulation, wondering… could I be? No way. Maybe? Highly unlikely. But still possible. On the one hand, if we had been trying, the timing would have been great. But on the other hand, due to my short luteal phase, I’m fully anticipating this taking a while. Besides, who gets pregnant on the first month, anyway, let alone the first “time?” It takes the average healthy couple 6 months, and I know many who have tried for much longer.
It doesn’t help that I’m an admitted hypochondriac. I’m seriously over-analyzing every potential symptom, logically knowing that even IF I were, it would probably be too early to be exhibiting symptoms, anyway (although a blogger I occasionally follow got a positive pregnancy test at 6 DPO). I promised myself I wouldn’t over-analyze, yet here I am. Again, best laid plans, right?
Admittedly, most of my “symptoms” are similar to what I feel each month as my period is approaching. Mother Nature is a cruel beast, as the same hormone that surges when you are pregnant (Progesterone) is also what dominates your luteal phase as you approach your period, so the symptoms can be nearly identical. However, the one thing I’ve never experienced before that I just noticed this morning is a sudden heightened sense of smell. For some reason when I came downstairs this morning to feed the dogs, I got a whiff of what smelled distinctly like urine (eeewww). The dogs are both housetrained and we have brand new carpet, so I have no idea where it was coming from, but there it was. I also felt a little nauseated later this morning, but admittedly that was after I started to obsessively over-analyze the smell issue. The mind can be very powerful and I am trying to keep a level head about this, knowing that once I psych myself into thinking I have symptoms I will likely start noticing even more.
So, to keep myself sane until Wednesday (when my period will either have arrived or be officially late), I’m making a list of all the things I have to look forward to if I’m not knocked up. In theory, whether I am or not, I’ll be excited, right? Either excited to have literally gotten pregnant on the first try and to not have to go through the stress that months (or years) of trying can bring… or excited for the following:
My future sister-in-law’s bachelorette party on the 17th, followed by my brother’s wedding on the 24th. The wedding was originally one of our primary reasons to wait until September. As I mentioned before, me at a social event without a drink in my hand is highly suspect — especially at a bachelorette party where the entire event pretty much revolves around booze. I would have to pull off some pretty sneaky stuff to fake drinking that night and not raise suspicions (we won’t be sharing the news with anyone until we’re out of the first trimester).
Also booze-related: drinking one of our special bottles of wine. We have a couple nice bottles that we’ve been saving for a special occasion. I think this journey we’re about to embark upon is pretty much the epitome of a special occasion. And since we can’t exactly toast to a positive pregnancy test, it would be nice to share one last nice bottle of wine before giving it up for 9 months (or longer, depending on breastfeeding). Plus, one of our nice bottles is called “Penetration” from the Naked Winery where we went on my 30th birthday. Fitting, yeah? (giggle)
Hot yoga. I bought some Groupon deals for hot yoga and still have 19 sessions left to use up. They expire in a year. Exercise is safe during pregnancy, but hot yoga raises your body’s temperature, which is a no-no. Same reason pregnant women should avoid hot tubs. So I’m hoping to use up some of those sessions prior to getting knocked up. It would also be great to lose a couple pounds and get in better shape NOW (to make getting back in shape after delivery easier). So if this turns out to not be our month, I’ll make it my personal mission to use up as many of those hot yoga sessions as I can, while I can.
More time to get house stuffdone — specifically, the second bathroom we’re planning to add. One of the main reasons for adding the bathroom in the first place was because I don’t want to be falling down the stairs in the middle of the night once I’m getting up multiple times to pee. From what my friends have told me, that starts only a few weeks in. If this is our month, I’ll have to be careful when going up and down the stairs, but at least I won’t be so big I can’t see my feet for a quite a while. Still not ideal, though, so if it isn’t our month, we’ll have more time to get the bathroom done before I really need it. Plus, I’ll probably be more help building the actual bathroom, if I’m not so worried about fumes or dust or heavy lifting.
Work. That may sound like a strange thing to look forward to, but hear me out. Work has been a bit slow lately, and I’ve been at my current job less than a year. Consequently, I don’t feel like I’ve been able to really prove what I can do. I’m just sort of plugging away, and while I’m not doing anything wrong, I don’t feel like I’m wowing anyone, either. I had hoped to achieve that wow factor before announcing that I’ll be leaving for a while. Even though I am fully planning on coming back to work after maternity leave, the reality is, I will still be taking a large chunk of time off. While I know my coworkers will be happy for me, I also know that leaving for a significant amount of time puts a bit of a burden on those left behind, especially in a small company like ours. Another month or two would give me a bigger window to reach certain accomplishments and better solidify my value. Ugh, why do men have it so easy? I know D doesn’t lie awake at night wondering how a baby will affect his career.
So there’s my list for now: booze, more booze, yoga, house and work. That’s a lot to look forward to if this isn’t our month. And if next month isn’t our month either, then I’ll probably make another list. I think giving myself something to look forward to each cycle will help keep me sane, upbeat and distracted from the wait.
Now, I have a headache. Resisting the urge to google whether that’s a pregnancy symptom…
Had it removed last Thursday. Originally, I wasn’t going to have it removed until September, but with the potential issues I might be facing, I thought I should get it done sooner, rather than later and I also wanted to have a conversation with my doctor about these issues.
The procedure itself wasn’t terrible. Much better (and quicker) than having it inserted. It still wasn’t fun, but I brought D along to squeeze my hand during the worst part, and then I just popped Tylenol throughout the rest of the day to ease some of the crampiness. By the next day, I felt almost totally back to normal.
As far as the conversation with my doctor, she asked me to bring my charts and said that while my luteal phase is definitely on the short side, that I shouldn’t worry yet and that she’s seen plenty of women with short luteal phases get pregnant. She basically told us to just start trying and if we aren’t having any success within a few months, that she might think about giving me progesterone supplements. I am somewhat relived that she didn’t seem too concerned about it, and while I had a feeling she would tell us to “just try” before intervening in any sort of way, I was also relived that she told us to come back in a few months if we weren’t having success – not the typical year doctors usually ask couples to try.
One thing I really wasn’t expecting was for my doctor to tell me to throw charting out the window. Her reason? She said I would drive myself crazy. I’m not sure I agree with that recommendation. First of all, now that I know how to chart my cycle, NOT knowing what’s going on is going to drive me even more crazy. And secondly, wouldn’t we have better chances of conceiving if we are timing things correctly? I do understand where she’s coming from, in that charting could make things seem too clinical and take the “fun” out of the process. Not to mention, stress can complicate things. But for someone like me, the unknown is the ultimate stressor. Additionally, I haven’t even really shared my charts with D, except to explain to him my concerns once I realized something was amiss. So, for now I have decided to ignore that last bit of advice from my doctor, but I will try not to stress about it too much. I also will try not to even mention my cycles or charts or temperatures to D at all… but in the background will be keeping note of that stuff for my own benefit and peace of mind. We’ll see how it goes.
So our current plan is to still wait until September to start trying. I want to get past my brother’s wedding, bachelorette parties, etc. and give myself one last month to appreciate this phase of my life which I will soon be leaving behind. I go back and forth between worrying we’ll have troubles and holding onto the (possibly naive) hope that just maybe we’ll be one of those couples who gets pregnant right away. For now, it’s at least nice to know we’re all set for whenever we decide, now that the IUD is gone.
One of my favorite lines from Grease… and unfortunately, exactly how I’m feeling these days. And although my reasons are different, I’m just as disappointed in my body as Rizzo was.
Last month, I decided to start charting my cycles just to make sure things were working the way they should be. Theoretically, getting more familiar with what my body was doing should make conception easier once the time came, right? And in the off-chance something wasn’t right, I’d know sooner, rather than later. Well, something isn’t right.
I have always had pretty regular cycles so I had no reason to think things were amiss. However, when you chart by taking your temperatures every day, you are able to actually pinpoint when ovulation occurs. For most women, it happens roughly smack dab in the middle of their cycle, The second half of your cycle is called the luteal phase and it’s supposed to be 12-17 days long. Unfortunately I’ve discovered that I ovulate very late in my cycle, and the second half of my cycle is disproportionately shorter than the first half (just 10 days). It’s borderline what they call a luteal phase defect (LPD), and it’s one of the more common causes of infertility.
Ugh, just typing out that word makes me want to cry.
The problem with a luteal phase defect is that it’s often a symptom of low progesterone – one of the hormones required to sustain a pregnancy. Women with a luteal phase defect usually have difficulty getting pregnant, and if they do, often have early miscarriages. So I’m freaking out a little bit. D thinks there’s nothing to worry about until I talk to a doctor, but most doctors don’t even consider fertility issues a problem until you’ve been trying for a year. Facing a year full of failed attempts or worse – failed pregnancies – just seems like the worst emotional roller coaster ever. I know miscarriage is always a possibility in any pregnancy, but when the odds are stacked against you, how to you even get excited about that first positive test, knowing it probably won’t end well?
I’ve been doing a lot of research on the issue, and the good news is that LPD is usually treatable. Sometimes it can be corrected simply by getting more Vitamin B6. Sometimes over-the-counter progesterone creams will balance things out. Often, doctors will prescribe progesterone pills. If that fails, doctors usually turn to fertility-enhancing drugs such as Clomid. Clomid comes with a whole host of nasty side effects, so I’m hoping to avoid that route if possible. I have an appointment to talk to my doctor coming up, and I’m hoping she won’t just dismiss this or make us “try” for a year before doing anything, but in the meantime, I’ve started taking Vitamin B6 in the hopes that I can correct this issue in as natural a way as possible, as soon as possible. Fingers crossed.
I tend to jump to conclusions. A lot. Anyone who really knows me, knows I tend to over-analyze everything. As the child of a doctor, I’ve also always been a bit of a huge hypochondriac. (What is it with doctors’ kids and hypochondria? Seriously, we all have it.)
Anyway, so, my period is two days late. Which shouldn’t be a huge deal – it’s been two or three days late before. But I can usually tell it’s coming for a couple days beforehand and I haven’t had any of the usual telltale signs, which makes me think it’s not anywhere close. What’s worse, is I’ve been having some other strange symptoms, most of which I’ve been able to brush off – though didn’t go entirely unnoticed (see above re: hypochondria). But this morning, I actually almost barfed at my desk after eating a granola bar.
Whoa – hold up. Now I’m legitimately concerned.
It was the strangest thing, as it came on SO suddenly and so strongly. I’ve had the flu, and I’ve been hung over more times than I care to admit, but I’ve only had nausea come on so suddenly and strongly like this one other time in my life, and it was an adverse reaction to some medication. No new meds for me this morning. For a minute I was debating whether to hurl in my trashcan or make a run for the bathroom, either of which would look suspicious. I took a few deep breaths, and then as suddenly as it had come on, it was mostly gone. Now, it could be the Cinco de Mayo burrito I stuffed in my face yesterday at lunch, or any number of things, really. But it was enough to send me Googling how early morning sickness can start coming on (yikes!), along with other early pregnancy symptoms (check, check and check), and counting back the days on my cycle to see if it was possible timing-wise (um, yep). Now, I have an IUD, which means pregnancy is HIGHLY unlikely – less than one percent. Getting pregnant with an IUD is not a good thing. You have to have it removed immediately, which can often cause a miscarriage.
If it doesn’t terminate the pregnancy, from what I understand, most women go on to have normal pregnancies without any lingering complications. While not ideal timing, I suppose it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Obviously I’ve already got babies on the brain – and realistically we’d probably be pulling the goalie in another 4 months or so anyway. What are 4 months extra preparedness compared to a lifetime of being a parent? Probably not hugely significant, though the thought of squeezing into a form-fitting bridesmaid dress that’s already been ordered (and just arrived) for my brother’s wedding when four months along (the point where you just look fatter, not necessarily pregnant) is a little frightening.
I debated whether to buy a test. If they weren’t so dang expensive, I would, just for peace of mind. I’ll probably wait another couple days, though. It’s only been 2 days, and if not for the extreme nausea episode, I probably wouldn’t be freaking out. But I’ve never been more than 3 days late, so if it goes past then, I’ll test. Meanwhile, I just keep trying to convince myself I’m being a hypochondriac, per usual. I mean, less than one percent failure rate, really. Could I actually be that less than one percent?
Maybe…
Update: Two negative tests and five days later and my period finally shows up. It’s never been that late before. On the one hand, I’m glad it’s finally here, but on the other hand, I actually was legitimately disappointed in the negative tests. Perhaps I’m more ready than I originally thought…
Ha ha… now you have Justin Bieber going around your head. Actually, now I do too. Dammit.
Welcome to the Hoffman family blog, currently in private beta. In other words, I’m talking to myself right now. Eventually this will be a place for family and friends to keep up with what’s happening in our lives – and by that time I’ll have a nice backlog of content for them to read through – but between now and then I’ll be using this as a means to vent some things we aren’t sharing with anyone yet.
Like the fact that we are talking about having a baby (gulp).
Wow, just writing that down, my hands got all clammy and my heart started to race. If I’ll be completely honest, the idea of having a baby scares the crap out of me. I worry about whether we have enough money. I worry about whether our house is big enough. I worry about balancing family and career. I worry about how our dogs will handle it. I worry about how it’ll affect our marriage. I worry about how it’ll affect our friendships/social life. I worry about passing along all my faults and flaws. I worry about BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER HUMAN LIFE. Therapists stay in business because of parents who eff up their kids. I don’t want to be responsible for my child ending up in therapy some day.
Looking at my previous paragraph, it appears having a kid is a terrible idea. But there’s still something in me that simply wants needs a baby. I suppose that’s the proverbial biological clock? But in all honesty, I think we’re almost ready. We’ve been married seven years. We own our own home. We both have good, stable careers and good health insurance.
So the tentative plan is to start trying later this year, but not before my brother’s wedding in September. I’m in the wedding, so I don’t want to try before and risk not fitting the dress that’s already been ordered. I also want to be able to kick back (read: booze it up) at the bachelorette party. I have another good friend getting married around that time as well, and the idea of going to a wedding and not drinking just doesn’t sound like much fun. Not to mention we don’t plan on telling anyone until we’re at least close to the second trimester and if you know me, you know that me without a drink in my hand at a social event = très suspicious. If we have any hope of keeping this thing a secret the first 2-3 months, we’ll need to make it past summer festivities and wedding season.
Yes, I know the title of my blog is a play on the reality show about the Kardashians, but that doesn’t mean I actually like any of them. I think they’re all obnoxious, self-centered and whiny. But a quote I read yesterday from Kourtney just sealed the deal. Apparently, Kourtney is nine weeks pregnant with baby number two by that d-bag Scott. And she thought nine weeks was a great time to announce it to the world. But what about waiting until the second trimester to announce like most people do? In her words:
Keeping up with the Hoffmans 