Keeping up with the Hoffmans

19 weeks.

December 10, 2012December 10, 2012 Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Well, we are now at 19 weeks, and on the eve of our anatomy scan, which is tomorrow. Truth be told, I’m nervous. I’m excited to hopefully find out if this baby is a boy or girl (for the record, my gut says girl), but most importantly, I’m hoping everything is measuring and functioning normally, and that we have a healthy baby growing in there.

I’ll update the blog after our appointment tomorrow, but in the meantime, here’s what’s going on with baby and me at 19 weeks…

Mama has had a bit of a rough week, physically-speaking! As I mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been dealing with some aches and pains, and have been suddenly feeling very pregnant. Thankfully, since then, the morning sickness has at least disappeared again (hopefully for good this time!), but the insomnia and the hip and back pain is still going strong. I also notice that I get really winded if I bend over, like my lungs are getting smushed by all my other organs (which is probably true). Hard to believe I’m not even halfway done. I can only imagine what this will feel like as I get closer to 40 weeks… yikes!

Baby is kicking away in there and as of these last few days I’m finally at a point where I’m confident that it’s definitely baby I’m feeling – yay! Baby is now about 6 inches long – about the size of a mango, and is now coated in vernix – a waxy substance that protects its skin from the amniotic fluid – you know, so it doesn’t get all pruney. Not a whole lot else to say about development at this point. Baby is fully assembled and now just needs to fatten up!

Well, that’s about it for now. Not a ton else to report this week! Here’s a picture I took on Saturday, just before yoga class. For comparison’s sake, take a look at me in the same top just before yoga class close to 13 weeks! Big difference!

health & body, pregnancy

Puking, insomnia and snissing, oh my!

December 5, 2012 Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Ummm… why is it that I’m suddenly feeling VERY pregnant? Second trimester is supposed to be the honeymoon period of pregnancy, and after going a few weeks now with almost no symptoms, suddenly these last few days I’m very aware that I’m pregnant. I wish I could say it’s because I’m feeling baby move, but I’m still not really sure whether I am or not. No, this sudden awareness is all in the discomforts and undignified issues of my own body.

First of all, the morning sickness appears to be back. I mentioned on Monday that I threw up that morning, and I did yesterday and today too. I feel fine the rest of the day, so I’m not worried I have a stomach bug. I think morning sickness just decided to rear its ugly head again. Lovely.

I’m also having a harder time sleeping. I’m still waking up every 2-3 hours to pee, and I’m also getting to a point where I’m supposed to stop sleeping on my back, since the uterus is heavy enough to squash some veins and impede blood flow. Not that I was ever much of a back sleeper before, but for some reason now that I’m not supposed to, I keep waking up on my back. Last night I was sleeping on my right side when I woke up to the most horrible pain in my right hip. I had heard that your hips spread during pregnancy, and I’m wondering if this hip pain is part of that. I immediately rolled over onto my left side, but I still had shooting pains in my hip for quite a while afterward. Of course, then my left arm got sore, which made me uncomfortable on my left side, but I couldn’t roll onto my right because of my hip and couldn’t sleep on my back either.

I’m also just feeling really “full” lately, like I’m full of fluid. Well, I guess I am. I’m definitely showing more and more each day, and I’ve gotten to a point now where if I lay on my back, I can feel the full outline of my uterus in my abdomen, and it reaches all the way up to my belly button. Bending over is getting harder, and getting out of bed is almost comical. I seriously look like one of those pregnant women in cliche movies and TV shows who leads with her belly while pushing off. And I’m only 18.5 weeks! So much of this stuff I figured wouldn’t come until later in pregnancy.

Perhaps the most undignified change my body is going through happens when I sneeze. Yes, I sometimes pee just a little. The other day I was sitting cross-legged on our living room floor and I sneezed, froze and was like, ohshit. D just looked at me quizzically and I told him that I just peed myself … and not just a little. Yeah, he was thoroughly grossed out. I recently heard a great term for this sneeze-pee phenomenon: snissing. Must remember to cross legs when I sneeze … and perhaps start doing some more pelvic floor exercises.

I know I sound super complainy, but really, I just have to laugh at myself a little. I’m not even halfway done with this pregnancy, and it’s only going to get worse, so I might as well roll with it. And to be honest, after everything we’ve been through, I’m just so grateful to be pregnant, that I’ll take whatever discomforts are thrown at me, snissing included.

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

18 weeks.

December 3, 2012December 3, 2012 Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Today I am 18 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Almost halfway done, which is hard to believe. We had a doctor appointment last Monday, which went really well. I had mentioned previously that I was worried that maybe I wasn’t gaining enough weight, and that I wasn’t showing as much as I should by now. I also haven’t felt anything I can say for sure is movement, though I do still get those was-it-baby-or-was-it-gas flutters. Well, my appointment put all my concerns at ease. First off, I stepped on the scale, and let’s just say it’s apparent the holidays are taking care of the weight gain part! I’m now up about 6 lbs. from my pre-pregnancy weight. My doctor also said my uterus was growing nicely (without me even having to ask) during the exam. We heard a nice strong heartbeat and she said I will probably start feeling the baby move soon. All the baby books and websites say anytime between 16 and 20 weeks is normal to start feeling movement, but it was somehow comforting to hear my doctor say “soon” without just assuming that I had already. Hooray for being normal.

We also got to schedule our anatomy scan for December 11 – just 8 days away now! Originally I thought we’d get to go in for our anatomy scan this week, but my doctor said she would rather I come in around week 19 since the chambers of the heart are more developed by that point, which should give the technician a a more clear picture of whether it’s developing properly. I’m all for more clarity and will happily wait another week if it means less ambiguity. The last thing I’d want would be to come in and be told the heart looks small or underdeveloped, but have them not sure if it’s just because it’s too early to tell or if there is actually something wrong. The less I have to stress about, the better!

With that said, at 18 weeks…

Baby is about 5.5-6 inches long now — about the size of a sweet potato or bell pepper, depending on which website you’re looking at — and is yawning, hiccuping and swallowing away. Baby is also doing a lot of moving and kicking now, which I still have yet to definitively feel. I did feel something last night as I was trying to fall asleep — sort of like a fish flopping around type feeling. I think it might have been baby, but I am looking forward to that first poke or jab where I can say, yep, that was definitely the baby!

Mama is feeling pretty good right now, aside from some persistent sciatic pain. I do notice that I tire more easily, though, and bending over isn’t as easy as it used to be. D and I got our Christmas tree yesterday and I noticed I couldn’t lay on my stomach to get under the tree to tighten the stand. I tried laying on my side, but couldn’t get the right angle and finally had to give up and have D get under there while I held the tree. I felt kind of sick when I woke up this morning, and ended up throwing up when I fed the dogs. It’s strange — I have no nausea 99% of the time, but every now and then it just hits me again out of the blue. Feeling fine now, though.

I do think maybe I’m starting to show more. I snapped a photo in the work bathroom today, and noticed I’m wearing the same outfit as I was in my 15 week update. I think the belly might be poking out a bit more now…

house, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

17 weeks (plus 16 week catch-up).

November 25, 2012November 25, 2012 Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Last week was Thanksgiving, and I took the whole week off work. I figured with all that free time I’d actually be on time for once with my weekly updates, and instead I ended up missing the update altogether. Why is it that when I do have “free time” I end up being more busy than usual? How on earth am I ever going to fit a kid into my schedule?! Granted, we did host Thanksgiving for the first time, so much of my time off last week was spent grocery shopping, cleaning and getting the house ready. I also had all kinds of aspirations to finish our kitchen cabinet painting project, but ran out of time for that too.

So this post is going to be a combined 16 & 17 week update. Without further ado…

Baby was about 4.5 inches last week (about the size of an avocado), and this week is now a little over 5 inches long — about the size of an onion. Last week it started growing hair, lashes and eyebrows, and can hear our voices. In fact, one of my baby books said the baby will have learned to recognize mine and D’s voices by the time it’s born, which makes for some familiarity once on the outside, and helps it to bond to us easier (on a side note, I’m getting really tired of referring to our baby as “it” – not much longer and I’ll actually be able to start using he/she!). This week’s major development is fattening up, growing harder bones and growing a harder, thicker umbilical cord. Still not really feeling much movement. There have been a few times where I thought I might have felt something, but I honestly couldn’t tell you if it was baby or gas bubbles — and God knows there have been plenty of those throughout this pregnancy!

Mama is definitely feeling much better. At my last update, I mentioned that I thought I might be starting to feel better, and I can now say with confidence that I definitely am. I do still tend to still have a strong gag reflex, and occasionally need to pause while brushing my teeth because I’m feeling a little gaggy, but the gagging episodes are definitely diminishing. I’m showing some, but still not as much as I thought I would by now, and I’ve still only gained a couple pounds.

To be honest, I do worry often that maybe the reason I’m not growing much because baby isn’t growing as much as it should. I know there are reasonable explanations for my lack of belly (such as strong abdominals) and lack of weight gain (high metabolism, eating well, etc.), and that everyone shows at a different pace. I also know I should probably be thankful I’m not totally ballooning up, but I think worrying just comes with the territory when you’ve had a loss.

We have our next doctor appointment tomorrow, and I will ask my doctor if she thinks my weight gain and belly size are within the normal range. Thankfully, after tomorrow’s appointment we should be able to schedule our anatomy scan for as soon as next week! My doctor said I can go any time between 18 and 20 weeks, so I’m really hoping I can get in closer to 18 weeks. I’m dying to know whether we’re having a boy or a girl, but more importantly, I need to know that baby is healthy and growing appropriately. I know the anatomy scan is VERY thorough – they check the heart, lungs, brain, spine, measure the major bones for growth, and check the skull and facial features for abnormalities. Especially since we opted out of the first trimester screening (which looks for disorders like Downs and Spina Bifida), I just really need to know that everything is developing as it should.

In other news, D and I made the trek back to our alma mater on Friday for the Apple Cup, our state’s annual college football rivalry. What an AMAZING game. The Cougs were the underdogs but ended up coming back in the 4th quarter to tie the game and then won it in overtime. The next day before heading home, we spent some time walking around the campus, which was fun, since I hadn’t been back in about 9 years. I also bought a cute board book for our baby about the Apple Cup to commemorate the occasion. Such a great memory of our little one’s first trip to Pullman.

loss, musings, pregnancy

The last milestone.

November 14, 2012November 14, 2012 Keeping up with the Hoffmans

This pregnancy has been filled with both excitement and trepidation. And as much as I try not to compare this pregnancy with my last one – and believe this one will have a happier ending – it’s only natural to reflect on prior experiences when navigating anything in life. In the beginning of this pregnancy, I couldn’t help but compare my feelings and symptoms to what I experienced last time. And then we made it past 8 weeks for the first time, and suddenly we were in uncharted territory gestation-wise. In many ways it was freeing to not be able to compare what I was going through to the last time. Things started looking up, and I started feeling more confident.

But while the gestational milestones were officially behind us, significant dates were not — certain dates that have been ingrained in my mind. We had already passed the anniversary of our previous due date. That one was the hardest to get through, mostly because we weren’t pregnant yet. But even after getting pregnant, some other anniversaries have come up that caused me to reflect on our previous experience. October 6 was the day we got our first positive pregnancy test. Then last week, there was November 7 – what I consider to be the anniversary of our loss – the day we went in for our first ultrasound and found out our baby had died. Now today, November 14, is the anniversary of when I had my D&C. To be honest, I’m not as sad today as I thought I might be, though the significance of the date did not go unnoticed.

I hope that the freeing feeling I felt passing our 8 week milestone will only increase now that all of our previous pregnancy and loss milestones are truly behind us.

musings, pregnancy

Mo-om, knock it off!

November 13, 2012 Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I can just hear my kid saying that already.

As I mentioned yesterday, baby is supposed to be sensitive to light now and I had read that if I shine a flashlight at my belly, baby will try to move away from the light. Well, this morning before getting out of bed, I gave it a try. Whether baby was moving away from it or not, I couldn’t feel anything. Sad face. I’m definitely looking forward to feeling movement.

So, I decided to get out the doppler. Not because I was worried, but just because I felt like it. I don’t think baby likes being dopplered, though. Every time I would find the heartbeat, baby would move and I’d lose it, only to find it again in a different spot, before baby would move again. Still couldn’t feel anything, but it was amusing nonetheless. After a few minutes, I finally decided to stop pestering my kid. I’m not sure if baby can roll its eyes yet, but I’m pretty sure it would if it could.

friends & family, health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

15 weeks.

November 12, 2012November 12, 2012 Keeping up with the Hoffmans

As of yesterday I am now 15 weeks along in my pregnancy. 25 more to go! Time seems to be going by a little bit faster now. I think getting the doppler was a good decision. I’ve used it twice now, but thankfully I’m not as obsessive about it as I was afraid I’d get. At least so far. The nice thing is that it doesn’t make the 4-5 week stretch between doctor appointments feel as long or daunting. Our next appointment is two weeks away, but it’s nice to feel like I don’t have to wait two weeks to find out if our baby is still okay, which is the feeling I was dealing with previously. Now, if I have any doubts, I can easily check its heartbeat any time I want, and that’s both comforting and puts a little less pressure and worry on the appointment days.

At 15 weeks…

Baby is approximately 4 inches long now – about the size of an apple – and is now busy “breathing” amniotic fluid. Legs are finally longer than its arms, which is making baby look more proportionate. Also, baby can now sense light, and can hear. Super cool. In fact, one of the apps I have on my phone told me that if I shine a flashlight at my belly, baby will probably move away from the light. Is it bad that I’m tempted to pester the kid to see if I can feel it? Most people start feeling movement around 16-18 weeks, but some people feel it as early as 14 weeks. I haven’t felt anything yet…

Mama is maybepossiblyknockonwood starting to feel better? I fed the dogs all weekend and this morning without any gag reactions. Still did gag once in the shower this morning, and full on threw up when I was emptying the food compost container yesterday, but I do think the gagging/barfing episodes are getting fewer and farther between. I think I might be going through a growth spurt, because the hunger has cranked up to nuclear level and I’ve had a LOT of round ligament pain these last couple days. I’m definitely starting to show more. I saw D’s sister, step sister and step mom yesterday and they all commented on my belly.

I met up with a friend for lunch on Saturday and she lent me all her maternity clothes, which is awesome! I also bought myself a couple things this weekend, so I finally feel like I have more to wear that fits me appropriately. Some of the stuff I borrowed is still too big or just looks frumpy without a belly to fill it out, but I’m sure I’ll appreciate that stuff when I’m bigger. I’m wearing a couple of the borrowed items today, including maternity jeans, a maternity top, and then my own cardigan over it. Feeling pretty comfortable. I can already see that it may be hard to give up the elastic band pants after I have the baby!

health & body, musings, pregnancy

Fat, pregnant or can’t tell?

November 8, 2012 Keeping up with the Hoffmans

This is the question I have begun asking D every time I get dressed. “Do I look fat, pregnant, or can you tell?” Bless his heart, he usually says “can’t tell” and has never once answered “fat.”

But I can tell. I’m at that super awkward phase where I definitely have more belly, but it’s not obvious that I’m pregnant. In some outfits I really do look pregnant. In others, I just look like I’ve had too many cheeseburgers. And in others it’s hard to tell a difference at all. Ever since I started “showing” (I use that term loosely, since in the beginning it was just bloat, and I’ve been poochy since about 6 weeks), I’ve been leaning more toward the third category: wearing bulky sweaters, loose fitting tops, or shirts with empire waists. And a strategically placed scarf has been my best friend. But you know what? I’m getting sick of wearing the same 5 things over and over again, so lately I’ve been breaking out some of my normal clothes again. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I’m not too worried if someone gives my midsection a second glance. But I’ve come to accept that some items of clothing are going to need to be retired indefinitely because they are just NOT flattering anymore. Each morning is trial and error, averaging about 3 outfit changes. Today I’ve settled on a pink and black striped shirt, that definitely clings to the belly more, but the stripe pattern makes things not quite so obvious from the front, and I slipped a black cardigan over it, which hides the belly from certain angles. You can still see a belly from a side profile, but at least I can wear my belly band underneath, which smooths it out some and makes it look more pregnant and less muffin top. At least, I think…

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

14 weeks.

November 7, 2012November 8, 2012 Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Another week down. Only 26 more to go!

This past week has been a little bit trying for me. Our last appointment was two weeks ago, and we don’t have another one for three more weeks. Time is just crawling by, and I’m still scared of what could go wrong. Even though I know we’re past the riskiest part, I can’t shake the fear of something happening to the baby, and me just walking around oblivious for another three weeks without any clue.

I suppose that’s partially because today is the anniversary of our loss, and that’s what happened last time. Any sort of miscarriage is rough, but when you have a “missed miscarriage” like I did, it adds a whole new level of doubt and insecurity to the pain of losing the baby. For example, I feel fine right now. I feel pregnant. I have no symptoms of anything being wrong. But I didn’t really last time either. In fact, I was still getting morning sickness even after we found out the baby had died. Therefore, I feel insecure. I don’t trust the fact that I feel fine, because how I felt meant nothing last time.

So, I broke down a couple days ago and ordered a fetal doppler. It’s the same type of machine they use in the doctor’s office to check for a heartbeat. Ironically, it’s due to arrive tonight, on the anniversary of finding no heartbeat. I sure hope I can find a heartbeat tonight. I really resisted buying a doppler for the longest time because I didn’t want to drive myself crazy, or give myself anything else to obsess over. I was also afraid that I’d flip out if I couldn’t find the heartbeat easily, or would overanalyze things if it seemed slower than last time. But … I broke down. I couldn’t wait 3 more weeks to know if everything was fine with the baby – especially since I’ll be flying out for a work event the very next day. I don’t even know what I’d do if we got to that appointment and there was no heartbeat. It would be too late to change travel plans, but could I really go on that trip, knowing I had lost another baby? At least this way, best case scenario I get to listen to the heartbeat sooner and I go into our next appointment with no surprises. Worst case scenario, we get our bad news sooner and not just before I have to fly. It’s a horrible way of thinking, but I’ve come to realize this is my new reality. I’ll never get the experience of a blissful carefree pregnancy, and while I know everyone worries to some extent, I know firsthand just how much it hurts to lose a baby and that will forever stay with me.

Wow, that wasn’t very uplifting, was it? Let’s focus on some of the more positive stuff.

At 14 weeks…

Baby is about the size of an orange, and its body is growing to be more and more in more proportion with its head. By the end of the week, its arms should be in proportion to the body too, though the legs still have some growing to do. This week it should be sucking its thumb, wiggling its toes and peeing! Yes, peeing! It’s strange to think that the baby just recycles the amniotic fluid while in utero – swallows it, pees it out and then swallows it again. Sort of gross, but I guess that’s how things work, and it’s good baby is practicing those bodily functions! Baby is also punching and kicking up a storm, even though I can’t feel it yet. I absolutely cannot wait to feel movement. I really think that will help put a lot of my fears at ease.

Mama is about the same. Still haven’t totally stopped being nauseated like everyone says I should be at this point, but at least the majority of the morning sickness seems truly relegated to the morning (unlike the “all day sickness” many pregnant women experience). I do still gag when I smell cigarette smoke, and my appetite is still a little funky, but overall, I’m feeling okay. One interesting symptom I just realized is that I’m very clumsy! We’ve had the same set of dishes since we got married in 2004 and I’ve never broken one, until a couple weeks ago, and now I’ve broken two. I looked it up today and sure enough, clumsiness is a pregnancy symptom. Has to do with hormones and loosening joints or something. Weird.

I’m showing a little bit, but not as much as I thought I would be by now. I kind of wish I was showing more for a couple reasons. One, it would be wonderful to be done with this “is she fat or is she pregnant” stage. I’m looking pretty chubby, even though I’ve only gained maybe a pound so far. More importantly, I think looking pregnant might make me feel more pregnant, and would help to ease my fears some more. I truly do wonder when I’ll reach a point where I’m no longer scared of something going wrong. I’m starting to think that might not be until baby is safe in my arms.

Only 26 more weeks…

11/8 update: I found the heartbeat last night with my new doppler! It took me a few minutes to locate it, as it was lower than I thought it would be, but I found it! Beating away at 161 BPM. What a beautiful sound. 🙂

friends & family, health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

13 weeks.

October 30, 2012 Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I’m a couple days late on this week’s update. Things are going pretty much the same as last week, other than being out in the open now! Yep, after a great 12 week checkup last week, we came out to everyone, including work. That went better than I expected. I knew my boss and coworkers would be happy for me on a personal level, but I was worried about how they’d take the news from a professional standpoint, since the elephant in the room of any workplace pregnancy announcement is the upcoming maternity leave, and I work for a very small company. But they were really happy for me – hugs all around, and they’ve been joking around with me and asking questions about how I’m doing. We also came out on Facebook this week, with the following photo:

It was both terrifying and liberating to do so, and it was so nice to read everyone’s “congrats” and “you’ll make great parents” comments. One thing that stung was that a few people posted stuff like “it’s about time.” Yes, I know we waited a while to start our family (we’ve been married for 8 and a half years), but it’s not like we just snapped our fingers yesterday and it happened, either. We’ve been through the toughest year in our lives, between the miscarriage and having trouble conceiving since. I know people who made those comments meant well (they don’t know what we’ve been through), but it stung nonetheless.

But now, onto week 13…

Baby is now the size of a lemon. I’m starting to get annoyed at some of the fruit comparisons. I mean, is a lemon really larger than a plum? It all seems pretty subjective! Either way, baby is moving almost constantly at this point, though I won’t be able to feel it for a few more weeks. I am so looking forward to that! Baby is also growing hair this week – on its head, eyebrows, and a fine layer all over its body called lanugo, that will mostly be gone by the time its born. Baby also has its own set of fingerprints now, which is kind of cool, and the head is in better proportion to the body — about a third of its body size now, compared to half, which it was just last week.

Mama is feeling about the same. All the books and websites say nausea should be starting to subside, but I haven’t seen any signs of that yet, unfortunately. I do think I’m starting to feel a bit more energetic, though. I went to a prenatal yoga class for the first time last weekend and loved it! Unfortunately, I won’t be able to go this weekend since I’m meeting a friend for brunch (who I just found out also happens to be expecting!), but I’m looking forward to hopefully making prenatal yoga a regular occurrence. I’ve started experiencing sciatic pain, and I’m hoping yoga will help that. I’m definitely starting to show more, and my brother even commented on it a few days ago. I mostly just look fatter, so I’m definitely looking forward to the day that it’s obvious there’s a baby in there and not cheeseburgers. Interestingly, despite my chunkier appearance, I still haven’t seen a change on the scale. Not that I’m complaining – there is still plenty of time for weight gain!