Category: pregnancy

musings, pregnancy

Mo-om, knock it off!

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I can just hear my kid saying that already.

As I mentioned yesterday, baby is supposed to be sensitive to light now and I had read that if I shine a flashlight at my belly, baby will try to move away from the light. Well, this morning before getting out of bed, I gave it a try. Whether baby was moving away from it or not, I couldn’t feel anything. Sad face. I’m definitely looking forward to feeling movement.

So, I decided to get out the doppler. Not because I was worried, but just because I felt like it. I don’t think baby likes being dopplered, though. Every time I would find the heartbeat, baby would move and I’d lose it, only to find it again in a different spot, before baby would move again. Still couldn’t feel anything, but it was amusing nonetheless. After a few minutes, I finally decided to stop pestering my kid. I’m not sure if baby can roll its eyes yet, but I’m pretty sure it would if it could.

friends & family, health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

15 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

As of yesterday I am now 15 weeks along in my pregnancy. 25 more to go! Time seems to be going by a little bit faster now. I think getting the doppler was a good decision. I’ve used it twice now, but thankfully I’m not as obsessive about it as I was afraid I’d get. At least so far. The nice thing is that it doesn’t make the 4-5 week stretch between doctor appointments feel as long or daunting. Our next appointment is two weeks away, but it’s nice to feel like I don’t have to wait two weeks to find out if our baby is still okay, which is the feeling I was dealing with previously. Now, if I have any doubts, I can easily check its heartbeat any time I want, and that’s both comforting and puts a little less pressure and worry on the appointment days.

At 15 weeks…

Baby is approximately 4 inches long now – about the size of an apple – and is now busy “breathing” amniotic fluid. Legs are finally longer than its arms, which is making baby look more proportionate. Also, baby can now sense light, and can hear. Super cool. In fact, one of the apps I have on my phone told me that if I shine a flashlight at my belly, baby will probably move away from the light. Is it bad that I’m tempted to pester the kid to see if I can feel it? Most people start feeling movement around 16-18 weeks, but some people feel it as early as 14 weeks. I haven’t felt anything yet…

Mama is maybepossiblyknockonwood starting to feel better? I fed the dogs all weekend and this morning without any gag reactions. Still did gag once in the shower this morning, and full on threw up when I was emptying the food compost container yesterday, but I do think the gagging/barfing episodes are getting fewer and farther between. I think I might be going through a growth spurt, because the hunger has cranked up to nuclear level and I’ve had a LOT of round ligament pain these last couple days. I’m definitely starting to show more. I saw D’s sister, step sister and step mom yesterday and they all commented on my belly.

I met up with a friend for lunch on Saturday and she lent me all her maternity clothes, which is awesome! I also bought myself a couple things this weekend, so I finally feel like I have more to wear that fits me appropriately. Some of the stuff I borrowed is still too big or just looks frumpy without a belly to fill it out, but I’m sure I’ll appreciate that stuff when I’m bigger. I’m wearing a couple of the borrowed items today, including maternity jeans, a maternity top, and then my own cardigan over it. Feeling pretty comfortable. I can already see that it may be hard to give up the elastic band pants after I have the baby!

health & body, musings, pregnancy

Fat, pregnant or can’t tell?

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

This is the question I have begun asking D every time I get dressed. “Do I look fat, pregnant, or can you tell?” Bless his heart, he usually says “can’t tell” and has never once answered “fat.”

But I can tell. I’m at that super awkward phase where I definitely have more belly, but it’s not obvious that I’m pregnant. In some outfits I really do look pregnant. In others, I just look like I’ve had too many cheeseburgers. And in others it’s hard to tell a difference at all. Ever since I started “showing” (I use that term loosely, since in the beginning it was just bloat, and I’ve been poochy since about 6 weeks), I’ve been leaning more toward the third category: wearing bulky sweaters, loose fitting tops, or shirts with empire waists. And a strategically placed scarf has been my best friend. But you know what? I’m getting sick of wearing the same 5 things over and over again, so lately I’ve been breaking out some of my normal clothes again. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I’m not too worried if someone gives my midsection a second glance. But I’ve come to accept that some items of clothing are going to need to be retired indefinitely because they are just NOT flattering anymore. Each morning is trial and error, averaging about 3 outfit changes. Today I’ve settled on a pink and black striped shirt, that definitely clings to the belly more, but the stripe pattern makes things not quite so obvious from the front, and I slipped a black cardigan over it, which hides the belly from certain angles. You can still see a belly from a side profile, but at least I can wear my belly band underneath, which smooths it out some and makes it look more pregnant and less muffin top. At least, I think…

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

14 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Another week down. Only 26 more to go!

This past week has been a little bit trying for me. Our last appointment was two weeks ago, and we don’t have another one for three more weeks. Time is just crawling by, and I’m still scared of what could go wrong. Even though I know we’re past the riskiest part, I can’t shake the fear of something happening to the baby, and me just walking around oblivious for another three weeks without any clue.

I suppose that’s partially because today is the anniversary of our loss, and that’s what happened last time. Any sort of miscarriage is rough, but when you have a “missed miscarriage” like I did, it adds a whole new level of doubt and insecurity to the pain of losing the baby. For example, I feel fine right now. I feel pregnant. I have no symptoms of anything being wrong. But I didn’t really last time either. In fact, I was still getting morning sickness even after we found out the baby had died. Therefore, I feel insecure. I don’t trust the fact that I feel fine, because how I felt meant nothing last time.

So, I broke down a couple days ago and ordered a fetal doppler. It’s the same type of machine they use in the doctor’s office to check for a heartbeat. Ironically, it’s due to arrive tonight, on the anniversary of finding no heartbeat. I sure hope I can find a heartbeat tonight. I really resisted buying a doppler for the longest time because I didn’t want to drive myself crazy, or give myself anything else to obsess over. I was also afraid that I’d flip out if I couldn’t find the heartbeat easily, or would overanalyze things if it seemed slower than last time. But … I broke down. I couldn’t wait 3 more weeks to know if everything was fine with the baby – especially since I’ll be flying out for a work event the very next day. I don’t even know what I’d do if we got to that appointment and there was no heartbeat. It would be too late to change travel plans, but could I really go on that trip, knowing I had lost another baby? At least this way, best case scenario I get to listen to the heartbeat sooner and I go into our next appointment with no surprises. Worst case scenario, we get our bad news sooner and not just before I have to fly. It’s a horrible way of thinking, but I’ve come to realize this is my new reality. I’ll never get the experience of a blissful carefree pregnancy, and while I know everyone worries to some extent, I know firsthand just how much it hurts to lose a baby and that will forever stay with me.

Wow, that wasn’t very uplifting, was it? Let’s focus on some of the more positive stuff.

At 14 weeks…

Baby is about the size of an orange, and its body is growing to be more and more in more proportion with its head. By the end of the week, its arms should be in proportion to the body too, though the legs still have some growing to do. This week it should be sucking its thumb, wiggling its toes and peeing! Yes, peeing! It’s strange to think that the baby just recycles the amniotic fluid while in utero – swallows it, pees it out and then swallows it again. Sort of gross, but I guess that’s how things work, and it’s good baby is practicing those bodily functions! Baby is also punching and kicking up a storm, even though I can’t feel it yet. I absolutely cannot wait to feel movement. I really think that will help put a lot of my fears at ease.

Mama is about the same. Still haven’t totally stopped being nauseated like everyone says I should be at this point, but at least the majority of the morning sickness seems truly relegated to the morning (unlike the “all day sickness” many pregnant women experience). I do still gag when I smell cigarette smoke, and my appetite is still a little funky, but overall, I’m feeling okay. One interesting symptom I just realized is that I’m very clumsy! We’ve had the same set of dishes since we got married in 2004 and I’ve never broken one, until a couple weeks ago, and now I’ve broken two. I looked it up today and sure enough, clumsiness is a pregnancy symptom. Has to do with hormones and loosening joints or something. Weird.

I’m showing a little bit, but not as much as I thought I would be by now. I kind of wish I was showing more for a couple reasons. One, it would be wonderful to be done with this “is she fat or is she pregnant” stage. I’m looking pretty chubby, even though I’ve only gained maybe a pound so far. More importantly, I think looking pregnant might make me feel more pregnant, and would help to ease my fears some more. I truly do wonder when I’ll reach a point where I’m no longer scared of something going wrong. I’m starting to think that might not be until baby is safe in my arms.

Only 26 more weeks…

11/8 update: I found the heartbeat last night with my new doppler! It took me a few minutes to locate it, as it was lower than I thought it would be, but I found it! Beating away at 161 BPM. What a beautiful sound. 🙂

friends & family, health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

13 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I’m a couple days late on this week’s update. Things are going pretty much the same as last week, other than being out in the open now! Yep, after a great 12 week checkup last week, we came out to everyone, including work. That went better than I expected. I knew my boss and coworkers would be happy for me on a personal level, but I was worried about how they’d take the news from a professional standpoint, since the elephant in the room of any workplace pregnancy announcement is the upcoming maternity leave, and I work for a very small company. But they were really happy for me – hugs all around, and they’ve been joking around with me and asking questions about how I’m doing. We also came out on Facebook this week, with the following photo:

It was both terrifying and liberating to do so, and it was so nice to read everyone’s “congrats” and “you’ll make great parents” comments. One thing that stung was that a few people posted stuff like “it’s about time.” Yes, I know we waited a while to start our family (we’ve been married for 8 and a half years), but it’s not like we just snapped our fingers yesterday and it happened, either. We’ve been through the toughest year in our lives, between the miscarriage and having trouble conceiving since. I know people who made those comments meant well (they don’t know what we’ve been through), but it stung nonetheless.

But now, onto week 13…

Baby is now the size of a lemon. I’m starting to get annoyed at some of the fruit comparisons. I mean, is a lemon really larger than a plum? It all seems pretty subjective! Either way, baby is moving almost constantly at this point, though I won’t be able to feel it for a few more weeks. I am so looking forward to that! Baby is also growing hair this week – on its head, eyebrows, and a fine layer all over its body called lanugo, that will mostly be gone by the time its born. Baby also has its own set of fingerprints now, which is kind of cool, and the head is in better proportion to the body — about a third of its body size now, compared to half, which it was just last week.

Mama is feeling about the same. All the books and websites say nausea should be starting to subside, but I haven’t seen any signs of that yet, unfortunately. I do think I’m starting to feel a bit more energetic, though. I went to a prenatal yoga class for the first time last weekend and loved it! Unfortunately, I won’t be able to go this weekend since I’m meeting a friend for brunch (who I just found out also happens to be expecting!), but I’m looking forward to hopefully making prenatal yoga a regular occurrence. I’ve started experiencing sciatic pain, and I’m hoping yoga will help that. I’m definitely starting to show more, and my brother even commented on it a few days ago. I mostly just look fatter, so I’m definitely looking forward to the day that it’s obvious there’s a baby in there and not cheeseburgers. Interestingly, despite my chunkier appearance, I still haven’t seen a change on the scale. Not that I’m complaining – there is still plenty of time for weight gain!

Belly shot just before yoga class. Pardon the no makeup and bed head.
health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

12 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

Wow. I never thought I’d make it to 12 weeks! We had our doctor’s appointment this morning, and everything went great. We heard the heartbeat for the first time, which was the most beautiful sound at 150 beats per minute. We opted out of getting the nuchal translucency scan/first trimester screening, for reasons I’ll go into in another post, and our doctor was very supportive of our decision. Overall I feel really good about things, so now we get to let the cat out of the bag – yikes!


At 12 weeks…

Baby now has reflexes — if I poke my belly, my baby will wiggle in response, even though I can’t feel it yet. (resisting the urge to pester my son/daughter…) He/she can also make fists, curl toes, squint and grimace. Also, the intestines, which have been too large for its belly and living partially in the umbilical cord, will start migrating to the abdomen this week. Kidneys will also start producing urine. Baby is about the size of a small plum this week.

Mama should be starting to feel better, according to most books and websites. Um, yeah right. Morning sickness has gotten worse, actually. I still get frequent headaches, and my allergies are out of control too. I think some of the bloat from early pregnancy may be subsiding, though I still have a small hard raised portion in my lower abdomen, and a bit of a squishy belly/spare tire thing going on above that, which I’m assuming is my guts getting pushed out of the way by my growing ute, which is about the size of a small melon already. Definitely just look like I had too many cheeseburgers, even though I haven’t seen any change on the scale yet.

I feel like I can finally breathe a little. I am still scared of something going wrong, but I know the odds are in our favor at this point, and now that we’re starting to tell people, it feels real, like this might actually happen! We told D’s dad today, we’ll tell his mom tomorrow night at dinner, and I’ll tell work tomorrow morning – yikes! I’m super nervous about that part!

Image via alphamom.com

health & body, house, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

11 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

11 weeks! With each passing week, I can hardly believe I’ve made this this far. Just one more week until our 12 week appointment, and if everything goes well, we’ll let the cat out of the bag after that. I’m both excited and nervous about being “out,” though it’s going to be hard to hide it much longer. I am actually starting to look pregnant, which is crazy.

At 11 weeks…

Baby is about the size of a small lime or a fig. About 1.5-2 inches long. This week its hands will begin to open and close and form fists, and tooth buds will start to grow in the gums. The baby’s diaphragm is also forming this week, which means baby can start getting hiccups! How cute. What’s really exciting is that baby looks like a baby now, and doesn’t look so alien anymore. Everything should be in place by the end of this week, and then we just spend the next 29 weeks growing and refining.

Mama is getting bigger! As I said above, I am actually starting to look pregnant. I can now feel something hard and bulbous in my lower abdomen, which I am assuming is my uterus. Above that, just below my belly button is where everything is starting to stick out, though. I think that’s all my guts that have been displaced by my growing ute.

I have this iPhone app from BabyCenter that gives me a daily summary of what’s going on, and today’s said that I may start feeling more energetic and nausea may be fading. Not sure about the nausea part, as I’m still gagging in the mornings, but I did feel the sudden urge to paint the kitchen cabinets this weekend! I removed all the doors and hardware Saturday night, and spent all day yesterday sanding and priming the cabinet frames (with a mask, of course). It’s going to be about a two week project from start to finish, so hopefully this newfound energy lasts and I don’t lose steam!

Before – all that dark oak has got to go!
All sanded and primed (plus a Stewie photo bomb).
friends & family, health & body, house, loss, musings, pregnancy

10 things Tuesday…

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I stole the title of this post from another website. Just seemed like an appropriate way to round up some random thoughts/experiences I’ve had lately.

  1. Pregnancy brain is in full effect. Last night I went to the grocery store and on my way out, fished my car keys out of my purse and pointed the clicker at the sliding doors of the store. You know, to open them? Um, yeah…
  2. Went to our usual taco truck for lunch today with coworkers (we go every Tuesday). It didn’t really sound that great to me, but I was hungry and didn’t have a good excuse for not going with them, so I went. I figured once I ordered my usual quesadilla I would gobble it right up like normal. Nope. For some reason it tasted disgusting today. I couldn’t eat more than a few bites, no matter how hard I tried. I’m still hungry, now slightly nauseated, and cranky because I didn’t just go somewhere else like my gut (literally) was telling me to.
  3. I’m on a bagel kick for breakfast lately – especially blueberry. I know it’s not the lowest calorie breakfast I could be eating, but I’ve only gained about a pound and a half so far, so I’m going to cut myself some slack. It also seems to be the only thing that keeps me full until lunch. Come to think of it, a blueberry bagel sounds damn good right now, after my disappointing revolting quesadilla.
  4. When I stopped at the grocery store for my morning bagel today, they were giving away free cookies. I ate that cookie around 9:30 a.m. Sounded like a good idea at the time, but then the nausea hit and I immediately regretted that decision. Come to think of it, that may have contributed to my lunchtime aversions.
  5. D found out yesterday he has shingles. Ouch. He is a tough guy and never complains when he’s sick, always powers through it and goes to work, etc… and he is home on the couch in a lot of pain right now. I was a little concerned when we found out, but I called my doctor and she says since I’ve already had the chicken pox (it’s the same virus), that it’s not contagious to me or the baby… but that I shouldn’t touch any rash or sores just in case. So I washed all our bedding in hot water last night and poor D had to sleep with a shirt on (it’s on his chest, side and back). He never sleeps in a shirt, which I’m sure that only added to his discomfort. I hope he gets better soon, but I have heard it can take quite a while to run its course. Poor guy.
  6. 13 days until our next doctor appointment. It can’t come soon enough. On the other hand, after that appointment is when we plan to start letting the cat out of the bag for real, and that terrifies me to death too.
  7. I’m conflicted over how I want to handle my next doctor appointment, work-wise. For our last appointment (which was on a Friday), I took a personal day and told work I had some friends coming into town (which was also true). After our first pregnancy and ultrasound resulted in a loss, I knew there was no way I’d be able to go back to work if it were bad news. I’m glad I did that again this last time too, because even though it was good news, going back to work was just one less thing to stress about. Plus, it avoided the “I have a doctor appointment” conversation, which, when you’re a woman in prime child bearing years, seems to always raise pregnancy suspicions. Not that I’m that concerned about this next appointment raising suspicions, since I’m planning on coming clean afterward anyway, but if it does turn out to be bad news, there’s no way I’d be able to return to work afterward. I do have plenty of days off I need to use up by the end of the year, so it’s not like I can’t take a day off – I’m just not sure what I say when coworkers ask what my plans are. I can’t outright lie, especially since I’ll be outing myself as soon as I get back. I think as of now I’m just planning to be truthful and tell them I have a doctor appointment and I’ll be in late. If worse comes to worst, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
  8. I’m wearing a belly band at work today for the first time. Sooo much more comfortable while sitting down, though I now have to hike up my pants after I stand up. Clearly it’s not a perfect solution, but it’s better than the muffin top my pants give me while buttoned, not to mention the uncomfortable indentations in my belly when I sit.
  9. I have a major case of paranoia and I feel like my coworkers just KNOW I’m knocked up, even though I don’t think I’ve done anything to tip them off. Sure, I haven’t been drinking coffee lately, but that change also coincided with our move and I had mentioned to them that I’ll probably need to start drinking coffee at home before work in order to survive the commute. Other than that, I can’t imagine what would give them the idea. I’m sure I’m just being paranoid.
  10. I have no idea what we’re going to do for Halloween this year. Our friends are having a 1994-themed party. We were thinking of trying to incorporate some sort of a pregnancy announcement into the costumes, but can’t come up with anything, given the theme. Too bad our friends didn’t do this theme last year – our costumes would have been perfect.

Well, that’s all for now!

health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

10 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I’m in the double digits! Only two weeks until our 12 week appointment and we can start telling more people. I’m still terrified every day, but things seem to be going well, so I’m feeling cautiously optimistic.

At 10 weeks…

Baby is about the size of a prune now  – about an inch and a quarter long. This week, baby is growing fingernails and toenails, and is also starting to grow peach fuzz all over its body. The yolk sac is disappearing, and vital organs are kicking into high gear. Baby can also now bend its joints, including elbows, wrists and knees, and the arms and legs may even be long enough to meet in front of the body.

Mama is getting bigger. I still haven’t seen much of a change on the scale, but there’s no sucking in the belly anymore. I know I won’t technically be “showing” for a couple more weeks at least, but whether it’s bloat or guts being moved around, there’s no denying the round pot belly I’m sporting. It seems to have gotten significantly bigger just in these last few days. On Sunday I went and bought myself a nice pair of jeans in a bigger size. I know I won’t be able to wear them for much longer, but I’ll be able to wear them on the other side when I’m working on losing the baby weight, so that’s how I justified the purchase. Plus, I just feel kind of gross about my body right now, so it was nice to buy something I feel good in. I also bought myself a belly band – a thin band of stretchy fabric that lets me wear my regular pants unbuttoned and just looks like a tank top or cami peeking out the bottom of my shirts. I wore it all day yesterday and I have to say it was pretty comfortable!

Other than the belly changes, everything else seems pretty much the same – nausea/gagging in the mornings (and sometimes the evenings) with waves throughout the day, frequent headaches, sore boobs, peeing all the time, constant hunger but smaller appetite, etc. Oh, one thing that’s new is that I suddenly don’t like bacon. I know, WHAT?! Who doesn’t like bacon? Actually, I think this aversion may have began a few weeks ago, when I had a craving for a spinach and bacon salad. After I made it, the bacon dressing tasted funny to me. I chalked it up to the fact that it was a new recipe and not my mom’s, and forgot about it, until yesterday. We went out to breakfast and I ordered this scramble and weirdly found myself thinking it would be so much better without bacon. I didn’t think much of it until I had the leftovers for breakfast this morning and was downright repulsed by the bacon in it. Now, just the thought of bacon grosses me out. So weird. Usually I love bacon. Ick. I need to stop typing that word. Think about fruit instead. Mmmm… fruit.

friends & family, health & body, pregnancy, pregnancy, week-by-week

9 weeks.

Keeping up with the Hoffmans

I never thought I’d get to write this post. I can’t believe we’ve made it this far! I still have days where I’m terrified it’s going to be taken away from me again, but in general, the more time goes on, the more confident I feel.

The biggest news right now is that we had our official ultrasound last Friday and everything looks GREAT. The baby is measuring right on track and had a nice fast heartbeat. It was also moving around and looked more like a gummy bear than a blob, and has almost doubled in size since the previous ultrasound, just 11 days earlier.

At 9 weeks…

Baby is about the size of a grape or green olive. It’s officially no longer an embryo and is now a fetus. The tail is now officially gone and the organs, muscles and nerves are starting to function. It actually has external sex organs already, but we won’t be able to find out if it’s a boy or girl until around 20 weeks. The eyes and eyelids are formed now, and are fused shut until around 27 weeks. Baby also has earlobes and now has a distinct mouth, nose and nostrils. The next step is rapid weight gain. It’ll be the size of a prune this time next week.

Mama was very sick this morning. I couldn’t stop gagging and heaving the entire time I was getting ready for work. Brushing my teeth was the worst part and that actually made me throw up. I was worried I wouldn’t make it on the bus, but I did okay. Instead of catching the second bus when I got into downtown, though, I just opted to walk the rest of the way. The fresh air felt nice. My pants are so uncomfortably tight today. I’m holding off on buying maternity clothes until I truly need them. I’m not really “showing” yet, per se, but I’m so bloated that I’m just looking and feeling fatter. I may treat myself to some nice jeans in a bigger size, even though I won’t be able to wear them for long. I’ll need them after I have the baby too, while I work on losing the baby weight. That’s how I justify the purchase!

I’m excited that we’re now past our loss milestone, and I really am starting to feel more confident. D is taking a while longer to warm up, but he did tell his sister this weekend, which I think made things feel a little more real to him. And we went out to dinner last night with my brother and sister in law (who know), and D was talking to them about our ultrasound. I think he’s coming around, albeit a little slower than I am. Not that I can blame him – he’s not feeling the daily effects of the pregnancy and only has the previous experience to compare it to. I can’t wait until our 12 week appointment (countdown: 21 days!), because then we’ll truly be able to let the cat out of the bag!