One year ago, we got the news 13 weeks into our pregnancy that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. And while I’m grateful for how well E is doing, I can’t help but feel sad about the rough journey we’ve had to this point, and still have ahead of us. Four pregnancies: two miscarriages; one perfect, textbook pregnancy; one premature birth. My OB doesn’t think my preterm labor had anything to do with our losses, but she doesn’t know what caused it either, and we’ll probably never know. She did say if we were to get pregnant again I’d have to be on progesterone injections throughout the pregnancy — possibly in addition to the drug cocktail I was on this time around just to keep from miscarrying. Even then, there are no guarantees. Yeah, no thanks. My body hates babies. We’re done.
Interestingly, we have plans for the Fourth tomorrow with the same group of friends, at the same house we were at this time last year, after just learning we had lost our baby. I was still carrying my baby because I couldn’t get in for a D&C until the following week because of the holiday weekend. I was still wearing maternity pants, with a flowy top to hide a small baby bump. Many people at the party didn’t know we had even been pregnant, and I didn’t feel like talking about it. They had no idea the multiple glasses of wine I drank that night were the first I’d had in three months and that I so desperately wanted to escape the nightmare I was living yet again. Now here we are, one year later, living a different nightmare. It’s more bearable this time because our baby is alive. But it’s a lot more draining because it’s so drawn out and there are still so many unknowns.
But I should try to focus on the positives. Emmett is really doing very well, all things considered. The CLD is still haunting me because we don’t know how severely he’ll be impacted, but for the time being, he’s making forward progress. He’s continuing to gain weight. He’s still having occasional events but they aren’t too frequent or severe. He handled the drop to 2 liters of oxygen like a champ, and they’re talking about possibly dropping him to 1 tomorrow. He put on 28 grams today, bringing him to 3 lbs 14 oz.
His heart rate has been jumping up frequently these last couple days, but that seems to only happen when he’s agitated. The higher heart rate episodes seem to have coincided with when they started swaddling him – perhaps he just prefers having his arms free. And he has shown us that despite his lung issues, he can let out an impressive cry when he wants us to know he’s unhappy!
We had a good night last night and a good day today overall, though my head is swimming with medical stuff.
This morning, the respiratory therapist and nurse brought up the idea of taking E off of the NIV NAVA machine, which is what kicks in and breathes for him when he has apneic episodes. He’s having so few of these anymore (though still a fair amount of bradys and desats) that both the nurse and RT thought he could be weaned and go to continuous forced air via his cannula. This would still provide some backup and stimulate him to breathe if he didn’t, but wouldn’t give him the puffs that basically breathe for him. I’m not going to lie, the thought made me really nervous. As much as I want to trust the medical professionals, this just felt like a really big step when just yesterday we were implementing more support in the form of increased caffeine and starting him on a steroid inhaler.
The nurse invited me to attend daily rounds to discuss his care with the rest of the team, and I was relieved when his doctor said it might be a little too soon to wean off the NIV NAVA. Instead, she’d like to give him a few more days on the Flovent and let him gain more weight, and reassess in a few days.
Another discussion item in rounds was his elevated heart rate. Since boosting his caffeine he’s had a few episodes where his heart rate goes up really high (into the low 200s), which sets off the alarms and is always a little scary. The doctor assured us that periodic high heart rate episodes aren’t harmful, and that the benefits of the caffeine outweigh the negatives. She said we don’t typically worry about a high heart rate unless it’s sustained, or we start seeing other evidence his heart is working too hard, such as changes to his blood pressure or failure to gain weight. As of now his blood pressure is still good, though he did manage to lose 20 grams today, despite the fact that they bumped his supplementation up from 26 kcal to 28 kcal. The weight loss was really disappointing, especially since they’ve been telling us all along that weight gain is the priority. And the fact that it coincided with the increase in caffeine and higher heart rate has me a bit concerned. We’ve been told a day of occasional loss isn’t a big deal, as long as it doesn’t become a pattern. Here’s hoping it was a fluke and we have a nice gain tomorrow.
Despite the medical overload and the disappointing weight loss, today was a good day overall. He stayed on 21% oxygen almost all day and had way fewer events than the last couple days.
Oh, and something happened tonight that made me smile. I had given Theo a fortune cookie this evening and, well, I think I may need to save this…