Today was a rough day. Lots of bradys and desats. The doctor said it’s just normal preemie behavior, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that this was out of the ordinary for him. So the nurse suggested we check his blood gases to make sure he was still oxygenating well overall. He was, thankfully, but it’s just so nerve-wracking listening to those alarms all day. He seems to have the most events around his feedings, which the nurses say is normal since we’re pushing a lot of volume on him for his size, and when his stomach is full it can start to crowd his lungs. But since growing is the primary goal, and he’ll outgrow these events as he gets bigger, they feel we’re on the right course of care, especially since he always pulls out of these events on his own. The good news is, he’s up 30 grams to 1020 — or 2 lbs 4 oz — and three nurses mentioned tonight how much bigger and healthier he’s looking.
I’m finding all these events kind of hard to handle. At one point this evening I just had to go home for a few hours. It’s tough. On the one hand, I’m afraid to leave because I don’t want something truly catastrophic to happen while I’m gone. On the other hand, I can’t do anything about it anyway, and the mental break is probably much-needed. Someone once told me to make sure we go home often — after all, we have the world’s most expensive babysitters. I guess that’s true, but it’s certainly easier said than done.
D feels like he may be coming down with a cold, so I’m back here tonight for the third night in a row. I’m tired. At least E seems to be sleeping peacefully now and hasn’t had any events since I got back (never mind – spoke too soon).
Keeping up with the Hoffmans 
Hang in there Mandy. Remember the 3 week trough and realize that you are most likely at a low point in your psychological reserves. Normal reaction to abnormal circumstances.
Hugs for you and D and T and E. The alarms are the blessing and the curse – I remember some days I was so glad to hear them and some days they made me cry. Hang in there, you are doing great mama. Even on what feels like the lowest points of this journey, you are the best mommy both of your boys have and that is true at home and at E’s side.