loss, musings, songs, quotes & poems

The biggest loser.

One of the hardest parts of dealing with a miscarriage is feeling the need to justify your grief. As I’ve mentioned previously, our society treats miscarriage as a taboo topic. One in four pregnant couples experience it, yet no one talks about it. Someone shared with me an article today that may partially explain why this is. Our society treats grief as a hierarchy – where losing a grandparent is inferior to losing a parent, which is inferior to losing a sibling, which is inferior to losing a spouse. In our culture, we tend to compare losses, and if those around us have had what we deem bigger losses, somehow our own grief is inferior. The following passage from the article resonated with me especially:

There’s definitely a self-imposed hierarchy of grief in the land of early pregnancy loss. You feel you certainly should not be in the kind of pain like someone who suffered a stillbirth. Worst of all are the parents who held that baby in the NICU while she died in their arms. They are totally the Biggest Grief Losers, right?

So there you are, with your sad little loss. Would you even get a nametag in the Loss Club? Your pregnancy was only six weeks. Six weeks or two weeks or eight weeks or even just one afternoon between when the little blue stick said yes and then your body said no. Do you get any legitimate grief points if you only had an afternoon to glow and dream and weep for your future that has finally, finally come – and then it’s gone. She’s gone. He’s gone. You can totally go to the movies if you’re miscarrying a really early pregnancy. Go out for dinner and take in a show, the doctor says.

And yet.

And yet you are full of death and your heart is as broken and so I invite you up here on the stage to claim your loss, too.

What beautiful, poignant words. Full article HERE.

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